September 2nd, 2017
It's been a long time since I've written. I've strayed away from my strength again. And yet every time I wander back, there He is, waiting for me with open arms. And you know what's ironic? All I've wanted this entire time is to find myself again-- you know? The girl you fell in love with seven years ago. I want to find myself full of happiness, energy, a giving heart, thoughtful, warm smile... and yet everything I've run towards, is the stuff that I should be running from. He is my joy. He is my strength. He is where I will find myself again. Just as I tell myself I won't eat dessert anymore, I continue to tell myself to run to Christ. But it is just so damn hard sometimes. Especially when every single day you feel like everything is against you and makes it that much more difficult, no matter how happy you try to be.. no matter how hard you try to find your joy.
Tonight I find myself in cold, hard tears again. Why? Because I miss you, darling. I miss my best friend more than anything in the entire world. What I would do to have you back. It kills me that I can't even tell you that and know that I will at least get a response back.... because I know I won't. You miss me too but you are so stubborn. I get glimpses of what you're truly feeling and how you are conflicted, but you refuse to talk to me about it.
I may be getting a job on the other side of the state. I should know by next week. If that happens, I will be very close to you again. I think maybe if that does happen, I will stop by and we can celebrate. I know you need time with your best friend just as badly as I do.
My love-- I miss you. Every single day. I'm thinking of you. I love you. And I am praying for you.
I hope soon you see the girl you couldn't live without, and you realize maybe, just maybe, you still can't. I miss her just as much as you do.
Praying for comfort, protection, guidance, dry eyes, and some sleep.