Welp

There used to be gore here. Its gone now. 37 She/They

[be1dred]

I just went hog wild on two packs of creamy chicken ramen and my stomach hurts lmao

[be1dred]

Im so in shock and angry at the extent of the deception I just uncovered that the unthinkable has happened.

Im so mad at this dude that Im not even upset about my ex and his shenanigans anymore. At least he didnt lie to me this bad. Yeah sure he pretended to be a nicer guy than he actually was, neglected and isolated me, mentally and emotionally abused me, but at least he didnt do this shit.

This hurts in a way that I have never experienced.

[be1dred]

Lmao! Lesson learned. Trust the intuition.

Well, at least thats one less distraction, one less waste of my time.

[be1dred]

I cannot be spiraling and catastrophising my mother's health anf encroaching death right now I need to lock tf in

[be1dred]

My mom was in the hospital for a week and a half and didn't tell me until today.

She's ok. Honestly, she sounds happier than Ive ever heard her in a while. Probably because shes getting a break from everything. Work. Scott. Taking care of Scott. Apparently hes been telling her to tell me to move out there. Hearing that made me insanely guilty about how unwilling I am to give up my current life direction. Which is wild. Four months ago I would have honestly considered it.

I am mere days from my life changing considerably. Im going to be able to actually save money. Live authentically with no mask. Im scared, because that is going to undoubtedly lead to me feeling safe enough to process and grieve and express, which will be painful but. Necessary.

Idk. I am stressssssed out because this is gonna be annoying and a lot but its going to be so worth it.

[be1dred]

Bidibdbidibdibdkndkneknneoonendlnxonxnoanpkapkwonidnoconc

Off to a strong start to this new chapter of my life im allegedly entering. This eclipse season. Whatever the fuck.

How many ways can I find to fuck up my life? The world may never know.

[be1dred]

I am not used to this and it keeps threatening to sweep me away completely.

[be1dred]

Alright, nose to the grindstone time.

Im moving in a month. Right up the street from my job, which means no more spending a 4th of my earnings on rideshares.

That means I can finally start actually saving money. Also, I am going to be able to cross "live alone" off my bucket list.

Im excited to have all of Arbutus to wander around in at my leisure, be able to get up and go to Ocha Mocha for a coffee, annoy my coworkers on my days off, look for other jobs in the area, and just generally be out and about again.

Also did I mention living alone? The roommate experience has been valuable, and sometimes really fun and wholesome, but its also sometimes been very frustrating. Im always gonna be grateful for my time here, its where I started to really heal and find myself again. But I am so ready to have a space thats 100% mine

[be1dred]

I don't want an apology from my ex, I dont want him to take accountability or own up to anything.

I want him to admit he was wrong as fuck about Trump.

[be1dred]

NO MATTER WHAT I am doing things. I am making changes that 100% are going to improve my quality of life, at least financially if nothing else. Nothing else matters right now.

[be1dred]

Oh right I forgot how this makes me want to rip my skin off.

[be1dred]

I think the fundamental truth of me that I work so hard to shield the world from is that I am a deeply, deeply sad person. Under the jokes and the anger and the non chalance and the masks and exhaustive efforts to keep others at atms length is a deep, wide well of pain and sorrow.

Cuz like....who wants to be known as that sad, depressing person who always manages to make things dark and heavy? I am just longing so desperately for someone to see me, to look into that disgusting chasm and still think Im worth having around, but I wont let anyone close enough to even try.

[be1dred]

I was kind of worried about this.

Feeling safe makes me stop repressing. Not completely, obviously, but threads are loosening and opening up and I am purging emotions now.

Im glad its happening now. I think I maybe interrupted it to come talk about it here, and if so, sorry self. I wanted to put this down to come back to later.

You arent doing a bad job. Youre doing your best with the tools you have, like youve done your entire life.

[be1dred]

Ummm??????????

Uuuummmmmm?!

I mean, research and time is needed but UMMM?????!!!!!

[be1dred]

Its been a long time since Ive felt a real excitement for the future and its for a variety of reasons that I dont want to jynx but I think the instagram horoscope baddies are right and I am walking through a portal.

Trying to remain grounded but damn I feel so good I wanna float away on it.

[be1dred]

Hello heres a useless life update/tmi moment 4 u Tumblr.com

I thought I was into being degraded when I was younger. I can say now that I absolutely am not. I also definitely grew out of the rape fantasies.

Back off the apps for good I think.

[be1dred]

Ive decided to stop being nice to men. Unless I actually want to.

Its probably definitely unfair of me to single out the menfolk, but Im hoping to master that and eventually be able to transition to doing the same with women, and otherwise.

Baby steps? I may or may not already be practicing on customers at work, lmfao oops. Sometimes matching an assholes energy even a little makes them realize they're being a dick. Not always. Anyway GET THIS so my mom viewed my entire multiple post long insta story for the first time and I almost immediately found an excuse to post a screenshot of this here very blog. Lmao??? Like? I deleted it once I realized.

I keep seeing things that challenge my denial and I think that might be at least part of why Im in such a state of heightened emotion lately. Or its hot and Im lonely, lmao.

I am extremely lonely, of my own volition. I keep everyone at arms length because I am so scared of being seen, despite that being the thing I crave the most.