[beasea93]

A year ago today I sat in my bedroom with a pit in my stomach, a bad feeling. I had been sad all day long. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you. I dialed your number twice. I wanted to tell you I missed you. That I was sorry I hadn’t been the person you needed me to be. That I loved you. Even if we didn’t work, even if we didn’t like eachother, that I would always always have love for you. I think deep down, I knew you were leaving. I didn’t call you because I didn’t want things to be weird between us. The next day I got a phone call that you were gone. I relive that moment in my brain every day. I wish I called. I wish I had the chance to tell you everything I wanted to say. God, I miss you so much Alex. I’m sorry. I love you.

[beasea93]

My baby bean is 3 years old today!

[beasea93]

A year ago today was the last time you ever held me. We laid in bed and held each other and didn’t speak. Our relationship was so far gone at that point but the love was still there. There is so much I wish I had said to you in those moments. I have so much regret that I cannot tell you them now. I miss you every single day, Alex.

[beasea93]

[beasea93]

Coming up on one year since Alex died. I am struggling. I can feel myself coming apart

[beasea93]

It’s October until it’s December.

[beasea93]

This is what we did on Father’s Day. We held signs and looked up at the sky to say happy Father’s Day to Alex. My heart breaks every morning when I wake up and am hit with the realization that you are not here alex.

[beasea93]

Some days are easier than others and some days I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day. I miss you so very much Alex. James and I love you.

[beasea93]

This small urn is all that I have left of the man that I love. I am lost. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I feel empty.

[beasea93]

Reading through old texts from Alex. Things are hard right now.

[beasea93]

My sweet angel I miss you so

[beasea93]

I feel crazy. I keep texting Alex’s phone because I feel closer to him, I feel like maybe he’s getting them, maybe he’s hearing me.

[beasea93]

I just said my final good byes to the love of my life. He was cold, and he didn’t look like himself, his face was all swollen. I sat with him and I cried and I talked to him about all sorts of stuff. I told him I was afraid to leave, I didn’t want to never see him again. I begged him to wake up. I touched his face, i kissed his forehead, and I said “until I see you again”

[beasea93]

Today I went to sign papers to have Alex’s body released. Tomorrow I will go and say my goodbyes before he is cremated. I feel like I am not whole. I feel like a piece of me is gone. How do people recover from this? I just am finding it hard to believe that these crushing waves of agony are going to stop one day. God I love him. I wish I could tell him that I forgive him for everything, I wish I could say I’m sorry I wish that we had more time.

[beasea93]

Please tell me this feeling of not being able to breathe, this feeling that my legs are going to give out and I am going to break into a million pieces. Please tell me that’s not forever. I’ve experienced death but never this anguish.

[beasea93]

I am in agony

[beasea93]

*Trigger warning**overdose mention*

I haven’t talked to my son’s father in 6 days. Today I got a phone call from a newton police officer. I knew it the second he said “newton police” I knew he was dead. He overdosed last night and he was found dead this morning. My son’s father is dead. I hope he knew that we loved him. I’m hope he never doubted my love for him. I don’t know where to go from here