beauty thus become @beautythusbecome-blog - Tumblr Blog

I'm just constantly on the verge of crying. Your fucking games fucked me up. I am not able to be treated like a tennis ball. You can't throw me and retrieve me whenever you want without expecting me to break. I let you break me. I was whole and happy before I met you. I was even happier when I met you, so I gave you all of these chances. Stupid me. I am defeated. I have to rebuild myself all over again. Fuck. It took me so long to be so happy with myself. It took me so long to feel good about being alive. And I allowed myself to have it torn down sooooo quickly. What the fuck?? I have to learn. I have to be less trusting, less empathetic, less loyal. I am loyal to a fucking fault. Remember this, Jackie. Fucking remember this.

The higher you fly, the harder you fall.

I hate when I relate perfectly to a cliché.

It's amazing how much actually liking myself has contributed to my ability to remain okay. Through all of the current dramatics and tears, I have remained stable. When it all boils down, I still love myself and I still think that I am worthy of living. I wasn't sure how my new outlook on life would hold up once I entered any type of relationship. I am proud of myself for all of this growth and strength.

A beautiful girl can turn your world into dust.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. 3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Don Miguel Ruiz , The Four Agreements

But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself.

Don Miguel Ruiz

#four agreements

AND OUT OF ALL THIS HURT WE HAVE, BEAUTY THUS BECOME.

I am amazed with my capacity to change and grow. However long ago these posts were, I was so low, one of the lowest points of my life. I have come so far. I have learned to be alone. I have grown to understand my feelings. I am still working on reacting when feelings are too intense or confusing... but I know that I can conquer it. I was never TRYING to change. Life just led me to the right answers... it led me through a dark and terrifying path that I was sure I would never get out of... at least not alive. But here I am. I am amazed. I am proud. I am growing. I am changing. .... and I love myself, for the first time in my life. Never has the quote I tattooed on myself when I was 18 been so true.

#depression #changing #growing #life

Hey. It's been a long time.

inspire-r

Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy.

Susanna Kaysen, Girl Interrupted (via life-ofthe-party)

Just to wrap things up

I lost my very best friend in a way that I was sure would never happen, but then I gained back a long lost friend. I figured out that I am able and capable of so much more, mentally and emotionally, than I ever thought I could handle. I also figured out that relapsing into old, self harming habits was far too easy. I finally have gotten over the relationship that tortured me for the past 7 years, and have let it go in a very healthy and happy way, but lost a good friend in the process. I came to really accept and understand my depression, and be very afraid of it's implications on my friendships.

I need 2013 to be less like a roller coaster and more like a stroll through the park.

#2012 #lost love #lost friend #new friend #happy #sad