Prose

How else can I show my love but to write to you?

[remnant-thoughts]

we could’ve been so much more

[because-he-loved-words]

I was always drawn to deep thinkers and introspective dispositions - but you carry your thoughts with a simplicity I can't help but appreciate. I like that with you it's always one or the other. There's never too much 'in between' to work out. You either are or you aren't and I'm grateful that to you, I am. I am completely real and raw and genuine and there's nothing I have to prove to you because you know me. You know exactly who I am and what I've done and all the stupid stuff I'll probably do in the future. And regardless if it's good or bad, you still choose to accept it. I don't have to try to pretend that I'm perfectly fine or better off without you because you already know exactly what you mean to me. It's a lot. And I'm not much without you but I don't have to hide that because you already know that I'm kind of pathetic and a bit of a mess. But people spend their whole lives looking for someone they can be broken around and I'm glad that I found someone that makes me feel safe. I'm grateful for the time you gave me. And I love you for the time you loved me.

I almost sent you this letter, but I’ll just leave it here.

[sixwordssayitall]

A part of me will always love you, whether you’re here or not.

@sixwordssayitall (via sixwordssayitall)

[because-he-loved-words]

He could make you feel like the most seen and known person in the world It was only for a short time, but he would always make an effort to be where I was. And to know what I needed and how I was doing and to listen if I was actually willing to share what was going on. He would take care of me in any way he could. A kind word, a helping hand, an off-the-ground hug. So, so many hugs. He was the most thoughtful and real and intentional. He inspired me to be better.  He asked me about my thoughts and what they were made of that day. He listened with intent. It only happened once, but he just wanted to talk- through the whole night about dreams and growth and random stories about how I got lost in foreign countries as a little kid and it was only for a short time  but I think I was something important to him...

It was only for a short time, but I think I experienced the greatest privilege in the world of having him love me.

[because-he-loved-words]

I just feel like he's going on this crazy adventure without me and he's more free now that I'm not there. Why is happiness so empty. Why is his so much more prevalent now that I'm gone.

questions I can never ask him.

[because-he-loved-words]

In all honesty, I never wrote about him like I write about you.

confession you’ll never hear.

[because-he-loved-words]

Ok well it's been 4 plane rides and I certainly have enough distance from you. 16,000 miles if you want logistics. And we've said our goodbyes and I've lived with my own plans and adventures. without you without expectations And I still miss you. I keep telling myself it's only been ten days so I'm still too close I'm still too attatched But at the same time, it wouldn't hurt this much consume me this much if it didn't matter to me if it didn't mean something. I think I've made a terrible mistake. I think I've realized I love you too late.

I’ll cross those 16,000 miles again if you’ve realized the same thing.

[because-he-loved-words]

I don't think you're in love with me, I said." I'm just saying that I'm all you've known for the past 6 months. I'm the only one you've let close. These everyday interactions have made me the only thing you've been able to see. But give it some time. I think we're too close to the situation right now - we can't see it for what it really is. But create some space and I promise once we have that distance to look back, we'll see it was just familiarity and infatuation. "I don't think you're in love with me", I said.

I think you love that I've become something comfortable to you.

[because-he-loved-words]

Everything felt so entirely simple with him. It was actually unfamiliarity and discomfort that somehow made him the only thing I knew for sure. I'm not saying he was always perfect. I'm just saying that I was half way around the world being thrown into new nations and still, it felt like home with him. I'm doing my best to be present. To live without regard to the fact that he's not here right now. I tell him "keep in touch", but every moment I begin to feel alive I find myself wishing that he could be a part of it too.

All I see are things you would love.

[deardeceiver]

I don’t know where I belong and I haven’t felt at home since I left you

Frankie Ryott, deardeceiver. (via deardeceiver)

[because-he-loved-words]

The thing is, it still hurts. The fact that you're not here. The fact that you're not with me. And you're most likely not even thinking of me. You're probably floating through life - carefree and unfazed. I wonder if I cross your mind. I probably don't - not nearly as much as you're on mine. It's funny - I feel like an outsider. It's like I just want to be part of your life even if you're already looking for new people to fill yours. I should let this go. I should let you go. Your dreams are yours to have. Your life is yours to fill with whoever you want. Even if it's not me. But I'm hoping it's me because I'd always choose you. I still wish you were here, but you're probably happy where you are. I guess I'm done. I'm done trying to force my way into your life. I'm done desperately fighting to make you a part of mine.  I'm done hoping that somehow I'm half as important to you as you are to me. I should let this go. I should let you go.

But I’ll still always choose you

[because-he-loved-words]

Letting go of you because I want you to live and be free. Letting go of you because I want to as well.

this is my way of moving on

[because-he-loved-words]

A love like honey 🍯

[because-he-loved-words]

If you were here with me, we'd wander around this art gallery and be in awe of the way the building is designed. I'd make you stand in the archway of the top floor and take pictures of you looking out over the balcony You'd tell me what you think of the photos lining the halls. I'd make you guess which one is my favorite. You'd tell me facts about how the photo was taken - using dorky terminology, like aperture and framing and what technique they used. You'd probably tell me which ones you didn't like and compare some of them to your own work. It would be unintentionally conceited. I would roll my eyes.  We would explore every exhibit- I would drag you places and get excited over everything. You would roll your eyes. You'd take pictures of me in front of the art and make me look cooler than I actually am.  You would love this one exhibit- a completely white room with white furniture, covered in hundreds of rainbow dot stickers. We would run around the room putting more stickers on the walls. You'd probably put a sticker on my dress. I'd pretend to be annoyed. I would put a sticker on your face. You'd pretend to be offended. I'd take you to a cute coffee shop after and we'd sit and talk and watch the rain. The rain wouldn't be so bad if you were here. Somehow it would be prettier.  Somehow everything would be prettier. Everything would be different. I wouldn't feel so lost. I wouldn't feel so unimpressed. Instead, I wander alone and think about which paintings you would like. All I do is see things and go places and do things and think about how much you would love it if you were here.

I would love if you were here.

[because-he-loved-words]

It's just hard returning home knowing they want you to be different

And you know you have changed - but you just hope that it's enough.

Enough to prove you're not the same

Because everyone is hoping that you aren't, but betting that you are.

You don't know what I left.

What I ran away from

Who I was

What I did

Who I hurt

I have an audience awaiting my debut as a new person-

No sharp edges, brand new, and squeaky clean.

And amongst the spectators with expectations, there's the critics

Patiently waiting to see through my act.

Hoping to bring me back to where I was

Grasping for any inclination that I'm still the same -

That I'm exactly who they think I am

Jagged corners

Broken pieces, warning not to touch

Still the same - easy, messy, made to be used.

You know you've changed,

You just hope that it's enough.

[because-he-loved-words]

It's been a year. A year since I was in my car at night on national kissing day with a charming boy that was good with words and bad at kissing A year since I left for good and didn't look back A year since those mistakes and those friends and those feelings I feel so far from where I've been and it feels good. In a few weeks it will have been a year since more mistakes and more regret and more investment in a boy with bad habits Some broken friendships and conversations that don't exist anymore A year later and I'd like to think I'm a different person Because I'm 100,000 miles from where I was and for once I'm not holding onto it For once I have no ties and I'm detached from those look outs and dark rooms and confetti kisses. It feels so far away, but I'm not trying to go back. So happy one year. I'm finally free.

[because-he-loved-words]

When I leave Please just fucking erase me. Get rid of every letter every picture every message. Do it for her. Her. As in the next one you will love. Because there will be a next one and you can't fucking love her right if you don't cut these soul ties. You couldn't fucking love me right because you didn't cut her soul ties. Her. As in the one you loved before me. No one should have to worry about coming across a memory of how in love someone once was. Why would you keep her words around? Were mine not enough. Because I read hers and all I see when I look at you is someone who hasn't let go.  And it will fucking destroy a person to be forced to see how things once were. So do me one favor. When I leave. Don't try to pretend I'm still around.

because you can’t fucking love someone if you don’t cut these soul ties