Finding Sanity in Madness

Demented, Dystopic, Delirious and Febrile-Minded Cycling Commentary and 'Analysis'...

[bedlamcycling]

Giro D’Italia Organisers Introduce New ‘Poo Time Trial’ Contest

The Giro D’Italia announced today that they would be introducing a new ‘PTT’ or Poo Time Trial in honour of Dutch fecal fetishist and pink jersey wearer Tom Dumoulin.  

The winner of the PTT will have to eat a large kebab and down several warm beers prior to the course start, then cycle 50km, dismount at the designated Shit-Stop (Pausa di Mierda), frantically claw their sweaty lycra off, startle the fudge dragon out the cave as fast as they can, then re-dress, re-mount, and complete the course.  The rider with the fastest shit will get bonus seconds of up to a minute as well as a fetching brown jersey touted as the ‘Maglia Mierdi’ providing ample incentive to fire one into the pan as fast as humanly possible. 

As ever, there are already some mooting the risk of illicit doping products being enrolled to ensure a fast bowel movement, with FDJ rumoured to have already bought up a team car-full of prune juice and laxatives and booked an unusual team retreat in New Delhi.

In other news, a fantastic day of cycling has again been overshadowed by a preference of spectators to ignore what’s happening on the course in favour of debating subjective notions of etiquette surrounding whether taking an ill-timed toalley constitutes a racing incident.  And they wonder why cycling struggles to attract sponsors...

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Inanimate Object Causes Entire Population of Anglophone Cycling Fans to Give Up Sport in Disgust

NO!! Most of @TeamSky, including @GeraintThomas86, are taken out by a police motorbike 😱 #Giro100 pic.twitter.com/iPJg7iXo4K

— Eurosport UK (@Eurosport_UK)

May 14, 2017

An inanimate object at the side of the road in the Giro has today caused the entire population of Anglophonic cycling fans to bemoan the state of the sport, Ocelot Gruber reports.   

Dozy Dutchman Wilko Kelderman careened into a stationary police moto and caused the Team Sky to come down like skittles including their aspiring Giro winner Geraint Thomas as well as Orica team leader Simon Yates.

As Gallic and Italian fans and commentators merely shrugged and said ‘bof!’ fat middle aged men in Team Sky replica kits were spraying vitriolic spittle at their screens throughout the hemispheres.  Decrying the sheer futility of a Universe where a peloton of riders used to traversing several hundred kilometers of roads of uncertain quality, on varied terrain, and with a typical medley of drunk and insane fans positioned at key points to ensure maximum danger per stage, might be expected to navigate around a motorbike that was at the extreme left of the road and outside the white line, some even demanded that the race was neutralised to afford Geraint Thomas the chance to lose to a tiny wizened Colombian climbing phenomenon on his own terms.  

Some horrendously biased people might suggest that in trying to blame the policeman that Chad Haga-Kelderman’s Giant Sunweb teammate-might himself be trying to divest blame away from their own culpability.  In search of balance, Bedlam.cc sought out the jacket that caused Peter Sagan’s infamous Paris Roubaix pileup to ask its opinion on the incident:

https://twitter.com/petosagan/status/848891489153404928

Video that shows my crash at the @RondeVlaanderen was caused by a jacket that caught my left arm. These things happen in races (@Seal_jobs) pic.twitter.com/ZcTorQaG6X

— Peter Sagan (@petosagan)

April 3, 2017

OG:  As a jacket draped over a barrier, you understand well the challenges of being a stationary roadside hazard during a cycling race, and you played a big role in this year’s Paris Roubaix.  What’s your view on the matter?

Jacket:  Well, in fairness it was my purchaser-a fat Belgian man called Giles-who draped me suggestively over the barrier.  He sweats a lot at any temperature over 10 degrees so I don’t really understand why he needs me but I digress-what I’m saying is that I can’t take all the credit for bringing down Peto. 

OG:  I see.  I admire your candour.  Peter was gracious enough to suggest that your decision to latch onto his bars was just part of racing.  What did you think about that?

Jacket:  Well he’s not wrong, is he?  He’s Peter fucking Sagan.

OG:  But in this instance, should a versatile human with two eyes and a swivelling neck-used to avoiding the merest obstacle on the road-be expected to take evasive action around a stationary object, at the extreme left of the road, or should the race have been neutralised to ensure Thomas's continued relevance?

Jacket:  It’s a tough call isn’t it?  As a low budget item of clothing my opinion will always be disregarded over those vetements of bespoke tailoring of the kind that British cycle afficionados love to wear, but personally I can see past Giles’ sweat stains to the bigger picture, which is that shit sometimes happens even to the best of us and you just need to stop whining like little bitches and such it up.  Just ask Peter.

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2016 GIRO "MAGLIA CAPELLI” JERSEY HOTLY CONTESTED

Since Jacques Anquetil battled Eddy Merckx the Giro’s famed ‘Maglia Capelli’ has been hotly contested, swiftly becoming the most cherished of awards for the sartorial-minded professional cyclist over any other palmares out there.

Given only to riders that have held a jersey at some point in the race, the Best Hair jersey is given to the cyclist who is deemed to be sporting the most stylish, perfectly kemp coiffage whilst upon the podium.  Although its heritage and aura dimmed somewhat throughout the 80′s and early 90′s, in our post-millenial Narcissistic selfie-culture the Maglia Capelli is once again highly sought after.

This year’s Giro has seen Marcel Kittel come under pressure for the first time in years with a swathe of new challengers: veteran doper and sometime hill-specialist Damiano Cunego had his hair clipped and coloured at Milan’s finest barbiere, going for a somewhat retro ‘cristal tips’ effect, whilst young bucks Bob Jungels and Tim Wellens have emerged as stalking horses as they casually ripped off their sweaty chapeaus to reveal fullsome quiffs that immediately assumed salon-quality lustre post-ride.  Kittel himself remains impeccably turned out, having obviously given himself a few days to let his hair bed-in before the tournament started lest he give too much of a ‘first day at school’ look after his confident valedictory first stage podium appearance.

Finally, current Maglia Rosa Tom Dumoulin is hotly tipped to take both the overall and the Maglia Capelli-a feat not accomplished since Francesco Moser in 1989, however there have been some indignant whispers from some Italian teams that he uses too much illegal styling products designed for horses and should be disqualified.

Whomever wins this most hallowed and distinguished of jerseys can be assured of a lucrative post-race circuit throughout Italy’s most famous hair salons and barbers, with plenty of cash-rich endorsements, publicity appearances and free products to boot.

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FRENCH ASSERT THEIR RIGHT TO CHEAT JUST AS BADLY AS ITALIANS

When Italian riders Matteo Tosatto and Eros Cappechi accused French Milan San-Remo winner Arnaud Démare of cheating, it was inevitable that it should provoke a degree of Latin exigence either in defence or in attack of both parties.

It’s a scandal truly of our age, with Strava, T.V and motorised assistance at its heart:  when FDJ rider Démare crashed with Michael Matthews (Orica-GreenEdge) just 3km before the ascent of the Cipressa, he is then alleged to have taken a lift up the climb from his team car, assistance that allowed him to bridge back to the peleton and contest the sprint, which he of course won.

When the accusations were made post-race, the race judge Herve Borcque said that the absence of video or photographic proof that Démare illegally took a tow, meant that he could take no action.  In other words, the testimony from several riders from other teams is not sufficient evidence-unless it happens on camera, it didn’t happen at all.

Démare, in the tradition of all modern pros accused of something wrong, voluntarily put his Strava file from the race online, before inexplicably taking it down.  From looking like he’d nothing to hide, he suddenly looks like he’s got a few kilos of crack hidden on the team bus and his Strava data is the codex required to find it.

It doesn’t stop there-Dutch editor for NOS.nl Martijn Hendriks claimed to have copied the FDJ rider's Strava file before it was deleted.  Hendriks stated it showed Démare was stopped for about 20-25 seconds post-crash, then four minutes later the peloton started the ascent of the Cipressa, and they climbed for just over 10 minutes. The data showed that whilst GIovanni Visconti was flat out on the attack on a 1700m long section of the climb in the leading group, Démare actually climbed the same section seven seconds quicker, and went 4kph faster in pursuit of the peloton ahead.  That’s the difference between climbing at 28km/h or 32 km/h.  Not negligible.  Most importantly, file data showed that Démare achieved the 'king of the mountain' on that section of the Cipressa by seven seconds on Visconti, giving him virtual bragging rights but making his performance increasingly suspicious.  

Suspicious enough that the Italian Federation now appears to be making investigations into Tosatto’s allegations, with unknown purpose.  A typically truculent Marc Madiot, FDJ Directeur Sportif-who has admitted his own experimentations with doping in the past-asserted the right of French riders to share the same “good conditions” as other riders and that the real problem was a French rider winning an Italian monument:  

“After all the revelations about doping during those years, to those that speak of a mechanical doping. Today I say stop. Now it's over. When a French rider is insulted, he should go to the commissaires and demand a penalty. The French have the right as others do, to do their work in good conditions,” 

Madiot then, does not see there being any need or justification to investigate the accusations of other riders, and more, that people ‘insulting’ his team in any way should themselves be penalised.  In the absence of concrete proof it’s all just speculation, but the Strava data is enough to ask difficult questions.  

Unfortunately, it’s an argument that will just muddy the already brackish water surrounding moral high ground and cycling; the French and Italians (as with other nationalities) both have their own distinguished traditions of cheating, from Charly Mottet and his flasks of child-piss to Coppi’s frank admission of taking ‘la bomba’, there’s few Federations able to point a finger without inviting scrutiny of their own riders.

Which of course brings us back to Italy, and Vincenzo Nibali at the 2015 Vuelta to be precise, indulging in a move so blatant-and televised-that the tournament’s star rider had to be disqualified.  There was no Italian complaints then, but admittedly, they didn’t exactly persecute Nibali either-it was seen as so ridiculous that it invited a degree of humour.  Because a camera happened to catch it.  Many other instances of ‘sticky-bottles’ in recent races exist-Boonen at Roubaix in 2014 for example-that have tread a fine line. In the heat of the race it’s perhaps inevitable that riders will grab onto anything they can that will get them to the line faster-it’s just those caught on camera that will face the wrath of the Commissaires.

Should Démare face sanction for his crime if proven?  We already know it won’t happen, but it does highlight a distinctly unpleasant aspect of pro cycling where professionals are so disrespectful to the rules, the fans and each other, that they will openly cheat in the hope that there’s no helicopter in the vicinity when hanging onto the team car.  And so long as that’s allowed to happen, the search for hidden motors looks ridiculous by comparison.

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BMC ANNOUNCE THAT ON UPSIDE: PHINNEY’S LEG COMPLETELY HEALED, DOWNSIDE: HE’S STILL SHIT AT ART

Months of convalescence have done absolutely sweet fuck-all to enhance Phinney’s dream of being a professional artist once he hangs up the lycra for good, it has emerged.

Proudly showing off his latest creation for the Davis Phinney Foundation: his custom, bespoke and one of a kind BMC frame design.  Wearing matching black leatherette ensemble and skinny jeans, and with hair more foppish than normal, Taylor was overheard at the grand unveiling speaking to several studiously socially awkward San Franciscans taking great pains to stress that he ‘really really hates his parents’ because he’d originally given the frame to them, but they didn’t want it and were just giving it to charity to try and get rid of it, and that despite living comfortably in a suspiciously nice penthouse location ‘they don’t pay my rent or anything-I get by selling weed and you know, doing some web chat stuff on the side when I need to.  But don’t tell anyone I’m gender fluid, ok?’

His design, which looks like it was inspired by a troupe of three year olds attacking wallpaper with Bobo the Clown’s makeup before some Steam Punk enthusiasts took a heat gun to it, is said to have taken him ‘almost two days’ but that he’d been thinking about it much longer so wasn’t sure how much it was really worth, and that although money wasn’t at all anything to do with his art-the surrounding Neo-Liberal Capitalist apparatus demanded that he compromise on at least this one small point by offering it up to some form of financial consumption.

A nervous and frayed looking BMC Directeur Sportif Jim Ochowicz told Bedlam.cc’s resident Art Critic Ocelot Gruber that he had to keep the team tour bus permanently stocked with colour-in books and felt tips or Phinney would start screaming violently and throwing energy bars at the driver, but that it was this ‘creative energy’ that really drove him on as a cyclist, and anyway, “he’s still not as pretentious as David Millar.”

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Gorillas Rejoice at Greipel’s Giro Stage Victory

Large herbivorous apes everywhere are celebrating their comparatively bald, pink relative not just successfully piloting a bicycle over an undulating 233km from Praia a Mare to Benevento, but also doing so some seconds faster than the almost 200 other Hominoidea subspecies.

The UCI, fresh out of the Vandendreische motorised bike scandal are now sorrowfully cupping heads in hands as the gutter press respond to rumours that Greipel may in fact be a well trained, albino Gorilla that has been shaved and given enough Pavlovian training to hunger for pro-cycling victory over any other mammalian instinct.

To this end, Brian Cookson was seen suggestively dangling large bananas and Congolese mountain vegetation at Greipel from a Commissaire’s vehicle, but the supposed German didn’t even flinch, leaving the UCI President placated but rueful of the potential for yet more bad PR should the rumours prove to be true.

For the Gorillas it is a rare taste of competitive victory over their human relatives as their numbers are dwindling year-on-year due to illegal poaching, because of destruction of their habitat, the bushmeat trade, and Ebola.  A tough time indeed, and one that places the French’s eternal quest for a domestic tour-winner in perspective. 

One of the spectating gorilla troop, Koko, was nonetheless able to clearly vocalise to Bedlam.cc’s crack reporter and hobbyist Gorilla-whisperer Ocelot Gruber that “Kittel has more nice fur, but Greipel our Silverback.  Very canine, much bipedal, more strong”

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FDJ’s Geniez Fined, Sustains Possible Fracture Effeminately Flapping Wrist at AG2R Rider

https://twitter.com/Maxvanderven/status/729328461576294400/video/1

Vechtende renners na afloop van de etappe in #Giro pic.twitter.com/4r6CnBK6RA

Francais du Jeux rider Alexandre Geniez was today fined 200 Swiss Francs (about a pair of reasonably priced ales with a crisp salad in a London pub) for aggressively flapping his hand at fellow Francophone and Ag2r rider Hubert Dupont.  

Geniez, who had lost 1.37′’ following a crash in the latter kilometres of the race and was undoubtedly upset by the deficit which would hinder his attempts to better last year’s ninth place, was caught on film by amused Dutch fans who having just witnessed the aura of Marcel Kittel’s superior Teutonic hair-stylings rocket over the line at over 60kph, were being treated to the somewhat less impressive spectacle of Gallic handbag waving.  

As if being fined wasn’t bad enough, FDJ today posted that Geniez would require ongoing treatment for his wrist, which could have either been due to the crash or his camp, post stage lycra-infused rendition of Fight Club’s Tyler Durden.  Although he would start the stage, he was forced to abandon before its completion, possibly as much for the emotional trauma of the confrontation as much as the physical damage he inflicted upon himself.

In contrast to Geniez nursing his war-wounds, Dupont seems to have been able to sufficiently recover from the emotional turmoil inevitably created by such a brutal physical and psychological attack, launching the decisive move of the day after the descent of San Pietro that created a break of 15 riders from which stage winner Diego Ulissi would emerge.

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Giro D’Italia to Permanently Outsource Sprint Stages to Holland

Giro D’Italia today announced that after several successful trials, they will now award an indefinite contract to Holland to provide all flat sprint stages for the competition.

Citing the financial imperative of any corporation expanding its geographical presence, they claim that the singular issue of being the Tour of Italy did not conflict with the idea of foreign countries hosting stages, and that anyway, they had checked really thoroughly and there was no suitably flat areas in Italy bigger than an Ikea car-park.

With mayonnaise-drenched, stroop-wafel flat Holland revelling in now being able to call themselves part of the Italian Republic formed by Giuseppe Garibaldi during the Risorgimento of the mid-19th Century, there is likewise talk of the Giro outsourcing further stages of the tournament in a bid to further expand their political influence-eyeing both China and Brasil to host lumpy, rolling stages and to tap into cheap labour markets, and Norway for their mountains and privileged access to natural resources.

Fans of the race, already bemused by the need for a national tour to re-locate itself to a country that not only doesn’t share a border, language or any meaningful cultural ties with the tournament’s namesake, are countering the Giro’s political manoevering by citing the inevitable and woeful reality of Carlton Kirby also capitalising on the increased Internationalisation by pretending he can speak even more languages by laboriously mispronouncing rider’s names and geographical features alike.  If he can barely pronounce Calabria, they ask, just how will he be able to cope with Ma'anshan, Zhangzhou, or Hohhot?

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ANNUAL EXCUSE FOR NOT GOING FOR SUNDAY CYCLE AND GETTING LEGLESS ON 9% BELGIAN BEERS FROM 11AM UPON US

In a scene to be repeated all over the amateur cycling world, Bedlam.cc’s Ocelot Gruber has just returned from the only ride he’ll be going on this weekend: taking the newly serviced and summer-ready road bike to the economic supermarket down the street to stock up on a pic’n’mix of strong continental beers.  

These will be leisurely consumed over the course of a marathon seven hour live cycling extravaganza that somehow justifies the total neglect of all dependents, loved ones and responsibilities for one day a year by resting transfixed upon an increasingly blurry screen, revelling in the pain and heroism of athletes that have actually been riding their bikes enough over winter to merit the name of ‘cyclist.’

Whilst others might regularly indulge in such selfish and alcohol-saturated activities, for cyclists this rare and modest hedonism replaces either the self-flagellation of actually going for a ride in the cold and wet, or, not going and feeling like a diligent Catholic that’s not been to Mass for years and keeps having troubling fantasies about an inappropriately young checkout assistant.

For non-cyclists, even the huge quantities of beer and chips might not be enough to justify a day of obsessing over malnourished and dusty riders that will judder over 54km of cobbles that have been specially inserted into the 267km route by the French to emulate the UK’s crap roads; both as a tribute to the D-Day spirit of our hardened commuters, and as a mockery of all those UKIP-eque rose tinted loons for whom Calais’ refugee crisis is the sulphuric gates of hell and still believe that life in Britain should resemble a Hovis advert from the 1970′s.  

For cycling’s tifosi however, it’s a bit like Christmas, if Santa was replaced by a hundred riders that look like they’ve just escaped rom a labour camp, and snow replaced by a slurry of mud, dust and spilled beer as cycling’s bellowing red-faced elves brace themselves for several minutes of actual racing out of a day resolutely chugging beers in a field in the middle of nowhere.  

If nothing else, it’s a rare glimpse for the cyclist into a lifestyle of studied over-indulgence and irresponsibility so greatly enjoyed by football fans throughout the entire year and an opportunity to revel in this alien culture like a Tory politician experimenting with giving money to charity.  Once a year’s enough, just to see how it feels.  

[bedlamcycling]

SAGAN DEDICATES GENT-WEVELGEM VICTORY TO DEPARTED LEG HAIR

Victorious Peter Sagan took the opportunity presented to him by his impressive second Gent-Wevelgem victory to pay tribute to his estranged hair follicles.  

In his characteristically broken English, Sagan appeared tearful at times as he stumbled through an emotional and occasionally incoherent homily to his once hairy companions.  Showing just how much the pressure of tabloid-levels of attention had been for him over the last few weeks and months as the rest of the cycling world openly debated whether it was appropriate for the reigning World Champ to sport such unruly limbs, it seemed to be something that preoccupied the young Slovak far more than his habitual second places since winning his rainbow jersey.  

Sagan said:

 “Before, I was all about lady, and the people they say I not good man touch woman buttocks when win... Now, Peter he good boy, no touch lady and grow many hairs to show his new strength and wisdom like powerful bear.  But everybody say, Peter hairy, he is disgusting, and on Twitter my colleague all talk about my legs like they are shameful and wrong.  Reporter follow me on training ride, with big camera, just looking at legs.  It like that weird column in Daily Mail where people take picture of celebrity womens with big breasts slipping out bikini like it news.  Now I know how it feel to be lady, have constant attention to what jersey you wear and if you beautiful or not, and I feel bad for grabbing girls ass.  Or signing her booby.  Both of them.  Twice.  And laughing like excited child.  But I different now.  I win again.  I have the power of the bear.  But I just wish my leg hair here to share the moment with me. (cries softly)  You people stand in judgement all the time but then took away the only thing that make me truly whole, good person.  In time, I promise Grandma Sagan knit me World Champion jersey from  Peter leg hair, then I win everything, you will see.”

Meanwhile, fourth placed Cancellara has locked himself in the Trek teamcar and cannot even be lured out by a pack of fun-sized Milky Way and a jar of hair pomade following is 750m to the line hissy fit as he realised not everyone was going to let him win just because it is his final season.  With sneaky Russians, intransigent Belgians and exfoliated Slovaks to contend with even the podium was a reach too far for even his spindly legs.

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Fédération Française de Cyclisme Hire David Millar as Hat Consultant and Youth Mentor

Plaque Superieure can exclusively reveal that David Millar is in talks with the FFC to strengthen the depth and quality of their academy system to ensure that their riders are sporting silly, pretentious headgear at all times.  

A representative told Pulitzer-Nominated Ocelot Gruber that they were even considering offering the sometime Maltese-English-Scot French citizenship as they felt that there is something fundamentally Gallic in this unlikeable demure and general try-hard nature that although might be incredibly alienating to Anglo-Saxon audiences, is like cat-nip to French men:

“French teams might be shit, and we might never ever win a Tour again, but by God, we love a good hat and ‘Davide’ is the Louison Bobet of the chapeau...  For example, the work he has done with Cavendeesh-incroyable!  Bon dieu!  First, he is there with his horrible, Reebok ensemble, now, he ditch his long-term girlfriend and live in Monaco with a model, design his own ugly bike and ugly car, and generally start sticking his finger up at everyone.  This is the French way, and we badly need someone of Davide’s clear intellectual snobbery and pretentiousness to impose something of this onto our over-Americanised young riders.  The drugs, we don’t really mind-it’s only you British with your quaint idea of ‘Fair Play’ that insist on pretending the whole world isn’t a hopeless mire of existential crises and hypocrisy.  Davide, he is welcome here any time, and his écharpe and hat collection.” 

Ocelot Gruber sought comment from Millar but was told he was too busy synchronising his foot and hat accessories to do so.  So, instead, we have a gallery of Davide’s greatest fashion achievements for your enjoyment and to provide insight into France’s love affair with him, and his love affair with himself:

It started with the ‘Nathan Barley’ and upturned collars, and steadily bloomed into his trademark signature of ‘shiteatinggrin and floppy hair’

Diversifying into a mini-fedora, traditionally worn in small Spanish mountain villages on the advent of the birth of your 16th child with a ‘yeah what of it ’ pout.

The Beret.  This is when France really sat up and took notice of our Maltese Falcon and the rest of the world puked in their mouths a bit.

Ah. The Tour.  Yorkshire. Davide.  La television.  And that fucking. hat.

Upping the ante on the hat with non-prescribed hipster glasses and an inexplicable old man, who has worn his trilby since 1936 in memory of an old war buddy who got his face blown off in the Ardennes. Great instagram material.

It’s not all about hats though. Davide is very flexible.  Here, the obscenely large stripey tie with indifferent expression.

U Wot m8?  Davide goes for the experimental, cross genre look with scuba gear at the Tour of Oman TT.  He hyperventilated, couldn’t see and came in dead last but his reputation in France was cemented for life.

Ironically, Davide looks like he’s just walked out of Hoxton Square sometime around 2007 and has never touched a bike in this photo.

Davide has a track record of accomplishment in doling out cycling fashion tips.  Here he is in Dentist’s Weekly riding a Cervelo TT bike to the local waxing salon to get his wee-wee exfoliated.

Not shy of the camera, Davide goes for the moody ‘just got done in Stoke Newington Cemetry and putting my clothes back on’ vibe.

A true Renaissance man, Davide has his own custom footwear for every race.  Here, ‘The Aztec’ which saw him mount a shrunken skull atop his helmet.

Frenchisms.  The riders that will be looking to Millar to help refine their ‘Gallic Steampunk Aesthetic’

Contagion, or taking the piss? Big Johnny D is either paying homage, or saying ‘homo’ with his Neo-Andalucian take on post-ride choice of victor’s millinery.

A rare be-hatted moment reveals that Millar may in fact be David Byrne’s illegitimate love-child and that his love of bicycles betrays a lack of musical talent:

Finally, we have to provide some instances of jaunty headgear ‘done right’:

David Grant in American Flyers.  Wife-beater, stetson and derring-do.

Gino.  Coppi.  Comparing the size of their guns.  There’s so much testosterone in those hats that you could use them to provoke an immaculate conception.

Merckx beating the shit out of the winter chapeau look.

Big Jacques had hair to make Kittel look like a hobo, but he can still rock a long peak like no other.

The Badger doesn’t give a fuck if you don’t like his hat or not.  

Fin.

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“Wee Paolo just likes the odd toot of ching, so no harm no foul”-UCI

Pic: Mum’s the Word: Paolo ‘Knocking Back the Gak’ in Happier Times

Following two drug positives within a year, the UCI (Union Cycliste Intra-nasal) today made their decision not to ban the entire Katusha team public, stating that fairness demanded no such action to be taken as “technically, you know, it’s just one little line and it doesn’t really count.”

Veteran Paolini’s wee night out on the nose candy turned out to be an expensive decision, as the short-lived high’s normal penalty of a day of self-loathing and existential misery turned into immediate suspension from the team and being kicked out of the Tour on July 7th.  Initially denying that he’d been on the ching, ‘Party-Boy Paolo’ then fessed up, stating that he wasn’t one for making excuses but that he’d been having trouble sleeping.  Ocelot Gruber is no biochemist but cautiously asserts that shoving bugle up the gary might result in some restless nights, even if it came as a surprise for the repentant Paolini.

It could have been a license for the UCI to permanently crash the party, confiscate the sound system and bring his career to, if not premature, an untimely end.  In not banning Katusha they have certainly taken a lenient stance that mirrors their approach to the errant Tom Boonen’s halcyon days on the dancefloors of Bruges surrounded by clouds of angel dust, during which time an indulgent and affectionate pairing of McQuaid and Verbruggen simply turned out his pockets, trousered a few gram bags and told him to piss off without a fuss ‘or he’d get a kicking.’  Either way, if it’s not performance enhancing in the peleton in the same way it’s not performance enhancing in the sack, it begs the question as to why the ginger bearded Italian has been suspended to begin with.

Pic: Still Out His Fucking Tree but at least he turned up for the club run.

And where millions of embattled substance abusers and middle class caffeine junkies were in the midst of ‘Dry January’ it also transpired that Katusha’s Vorganov was instead chugging Meldonium-one of Latvia’s biggest exports that is most commonly used for treating chronic heart disease and diabetes but also has the handy side effect of improving sexual performance and sperm motility in boars.  Whether or not this was a recreational decision is not certain-if so it would certainly make Paolini the blushing violet of the two offenders-but the UCI’s lenient stance on the Italian has spared Vorganov the pain of knowing that his own adverse analytical finding had caused his entire team to be suspended.  

A bleary eyed Brian Cookson, with suspect bulge in the crotchal region and smelling slightly boar-ish, looked less than fresh at the press conference and insisted that Vorganov too deserved some lee-way “because we’re only young once-and it’s so easy to get carried away and make a pig of yourself.”

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Omega-Pharma Quick Step in Reveal Trials With Genetic Doping

 OPQS today revealed that they are surging ahead of the peleton when it comes to trials with genetic doping, releasing a before and after pic of diminutive Columbian climber Rigoberto Uran:

Previously standing at a modest 1.73m and waif-like 62kg, lab trials over the off-season have boosted these figures to a towering 2m and weighty 84kg, with the only undesired side-effect being the loss of his prized mullet and a stretching of previously saggy, aged-looking skin that had caused some to question his real age.  Having failed to impose at the last few season’s Grand Tours it is thought Uran has incorporated some Dutch and Belgian DNA into his own in order to gain the mass and height to be able to compete for Monuments instead.

Speculation in the peleton over Uran’s age and identity has been running rampant since his first White Jersey at the Giro in 2011, with some saying that he was an artificially regenerated Charly Gaul.  The issue of genetic doping has been an increasing phenomenon with some saying that it’s been in the sport for some time already and with no way of testing or controlling it, the UCI is powerless to prevent it.  Chris Horner’s refusal to retire long past any realistic biological shelf-life for a competitive athlete has been instrumental in bringing the subject out of the shadows with his impressive longevity being blamed on Japanese ancestry, as has Tyler Hamilton’s claims of a ‘ghost twin’ causing his doping positive similarly raised eyebrows.  

Whether it’s chugging smoothies made out of cow placenta or paying an illicit bio-engineer to tinkering with your DNA down a back alley research lab, you know that a cyclist somewhere will be doing it-Plaque Superieure is just glad to see the back of that fucking mullet.

[bedlamcycling]

Horner Resuscitated and Signed as Lupus Racing Team Mascot

Vintage American racing cyclist Christopher Horner has today been brought back out of cryogenic storage and signed to U.S Continental team Lupus Racing.   

Based in Georgia and founded to help raise awareness and cure the disease of the same name, their distinctive purple wrist-bands snappily declare “Help Us Solve the Cruel Mystery” so it seems quite apt that they should also use their charitable energies to help explain the cruel mystery that is Chris Horner.

Their website states:

“Lupus is an unpredictable and misunderstood autoimmune disease that ravages different parts of the body. It is difficult to diagnose, hard to live with, and a challenge to treat. Lupus is a cruel mystery because it is hidden from view and undefined, has a range of symptoms, hits out of nowhere, and has no known cause and no known cure. Its health effects can range from a skin rash to a heart attack. Lupus is debilitating and destructive and can be fatal, yet research on lupus remains underfunded relative to its scope and devastation.”

Unpredictable, misunderstood, difficult to diagnose, hard to live with, a challenge to treat, hidden from view, undefined, hits out of nowhere and has no known cause and no known cure whilst being debilitating, destructive, possibly fatal.  It could be a homily to Horner and his fellow Zombies so it seems a shrewd marketing move on the team’s part to have made such a strategic signing.

Horner is said to be going under a strict regime of medical preparation and fitness regimes to make sure that he will be en route for his bid to be the first 44 year old to win the White Jersey at the Giro d’Italia, whilst Ocelot Gruber frantically watches The Walking Dead as research into finding strategies to survive the coming zombie apocalypse.

[bedlamcycling]

Pretentious Man on Internet Says 19mm Rims ‘No Longer Acceptable For Use on Road’

A pretentious man on the internet has today derided the notion that anyone should even think about using traditional profile rims on their bicycle, prompting an immediate global industry recall of any such articles.

The internet forum user was responding to a casual enquiry about hub choices for building up a set of general purpose wheels but instead of replying to the original enquiry stated the the choice of heavily discounted rim “wasn't all that even when 20mm wide rims were considered OK for general road use. Don't waste your time building them into wheels.”

Manufacturers everywhere have immediately recalled their stock of these measly, sub-par but long-standing road standard 19mm rims and Mavic, producer of the wheelbuilders’ favourite ‘Open Pro’ rim issued a statement apologising for not realising sooner:

“We at Mavic are deeply sorry and ashamed to have continued producing standard 19mm rims, even after anonymous and untested hearsay about improved traction and lower PSI on rims of up to 25mm began to circulate.  Indeed, we have been incredibly negligent of both fashion and rider safety by failing to fall into line with citations of improved contact patches, less rolling resistance but 13% extra grip, and rounder tyre profiles resulting in reduced slip angle.  

Never mind that there’s been no scientific test results backing any of this up, or that making wider rims requires greater weight or thinner walls making your rims wear out faster and be more prone to cracking and damage, the voice of this one anonymous pedant has rendered all our activities, and the generally well received and enjoyed usage of classic 19mm rims totally redundant and we defer to his vastly superior intellect.  

Once all our 19mm rims are back in the warehouse all of our Executives, Product Development Team and even a few of the Interns will commit mass suicide.  We hope that this will somehow bring closure to this unsightly and embarrassing lapse of judgment.”

Departing with the typically Gallic fatalism of French Mavic, Joshua Poertner, technical director for Zipp Speed Weaponry was less defeatist and stated to Lennard Zinn-cycling’s equivalent of Stephen Hawking:

“For starters, it is probably a bit misleading to say that the wider bead seat increases traction or grip. I think that we have proven that the wider bead seat yields a wider/shorter contact patch than a narrow bead seat, and in theory this might provide some rolling resistance benefit, and also makes it easier for the tire to conform to rough surfaces, which might lead to improved traction in some conditions, but there is little to no data showing either improved traction or decreased Crr, so we hesitate to really make claims to either of those as benefits here.

The difference between the light-bulb shaped tire Dennis talks about and the geometry of a tire on a wide bead seat rim primarily affects the lateral deflection of the tire when cornering. I too have heard the “flop over” description used, but basically as the tire rotates down to contact the road, it is laterally deflected by the cornering forces, this results in a deformation that leaves the tire not actually going in exactly the direction it is pointed. Technically this is called “slip angle” and there is a lot of great stuff on the Internet about it. Less slip angle yields more responsive handling, higher slip angles can feel vague or even sketchy; taken to extreme examples, we’ve all had slow front leak that we thought we could get home on and found that a front road tire with 20psi can be turned quite noticeably before actually changing the direction of the bike.It is nearly impossible to say that this geometry difference increases traction/grip at a given pressure (there is some theory here that it might do this, but no good testing or data to support it, and even the theory predicts very small improvements on certain surfaces), but it most certainly is felt by the rider as improved turning responsiveness and better line holding under high cornering loads. This wider base also yields more air volume between the tire and the road, which allows the rider to run lower pressures with similar pinch flat resistance. 

This takes us to the real driver of grip, and that is pressure; contact patch size for a given pressure will be the same across tire sizes, but lowering pressure puts more rubber on the road surface and can directly improve traction/grip. Simply using wider tires at lower pressures can also increase traction/grip without increasing pinch flat likelihood, and does it with the added benefit of additional radial height between the rim edge and pavement, but this setup will have higher lateral squirm under cornering loads. 

Choosing between small tire size changes will yield pretty nuanced results, comparing a 23mm to a 25mm is very difficult as they feel so similar. I have 32mm tires on my commuter and I can run them all the way down to 70psi before I don’t like the handling, but the grip down there is phenomenal and I hardly notice road seams! You are likely to feel as much change in tire squirm under hard cornering due to tire pressure as you are due to the additional width, if anything, the 25’s will be a bit more comfortable but might feel less “racy” when pushed. 

As with many things, there is a LOT of personal preference involved here, and the real benefit of the wide rims is that they allow for more options. Generally the peak traction/grip point for the tire of your choice is most likely at a pressure below what you are using; wide rims allow you to go lower with fewer consequences. I always recommend trying out different combinations to see what you like best; road surface conditions and even weather can change things, so don’t be afraid to experiment.”  (Read more at http://velonews.competitor.com/2012/07/bikes-and-tech/technical-faq/technical-faq-wide-rims-light-bulbs-and-quonset-huts_232490#XeYlwSSfro7zCMGA.99)

Plaque Supérieure’s in-house Technical Expert Ocelot Gruber today ignored the Internet pedant’s declaration and will commence amateurishly starting to assemble his cherished new set of middle of the road wheels, before undoubtedly tiring of the process and being too scared to ride them without getting his local wheel builder to check them over, whereupon he shall be chastised for fucking up the spoke pattern and require the poor fellow to go through the hated process of undoing the nice virgin spokes and rims before re-building them.  They will still count in his mind as his own “hand built” wheels however, because as with most things in life it’s not the winning but the taking part that matters.

[bedlamcycling]

Mark Cavendish Abandons Pro Cycling for MMA Career

Mark Cavendish today revealed that his years of high-velocity headbutting and crash-antics had all been purposeful training for a career as a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, and that he was now leaving the peleton “to really fuck some people up.”  Taking the opportunity to dole out one more Glasgow Kiss to a surprisingly unperturbed CCC Sprandi Polkowice rider Grzegorz Stepniak at the wonderfully kitsch Dubai Tour, Cavendish left spectators in no doubt that he fully intends to give anyone that crosses him a stern tap on the shoulder with his forehead.

The diminutive Manxman-who at 1m75 and 70kg is hardly the Big Daddy of the peleton-leaked footage showing that he has been practicing on his team mates by having pillow fights and giving them really dirty looks, and it’s even said that he keeps a picture of erstwhile leadout man Mark Renshaw selotaped to the toilet door with ‘Judas’ scrawled across his forehead to motivate him before a really big sulking session.

Seen here sneakily buffing Niki Terpstra in the face, Cavendish’s main strategy for the ring is thought to be hiding in the slipstream of his opponent until he tires before unleashing a killer blow seconds before the bell goes.  Whether or not this tactic will pay off, remains to be seen but we can all be assured that even if he can’t win Cavendish will find some way of taking down as many of his competitors as he can too.

[bedlamcycling]

Armstrong Dusts of C.V as Dutchmen Offer Cash to Take Drugs and Ride Bikes

‘Disgraced ex-Tour Winner, Shit Driver, Devious Bastard’ Lance Armstrong is thought to be supremely confident of landing his dream job as a Dutchman with no regard for rider safety today offered significant amounts of cash for someone to take a skinful of drugs and repeatedly ride their bike up Mont Ventoux.  

Speaking with ‘crack reporter and crack addict’ Ocelot Gruber earlier Armstrong said that there was quite simply no-one else on the planet with perhaps the exception of El Chapo who had as much experience of shifting mammoth amounts of drugs at such speed.  Indeed, he even said that Johan Bruyneel had already offered to write him a really nice reference and give him lots of cloyingly obvious endorsements on LinkedIn and that even WADA’s final report would serve him well in proving just how great he was at taking drugs and riding a bike.  With plenty of archival footage such as that below, who could argue against his suitability for the role?

The study is being commissioned by the Centre for Human Drug Research (CHDR) who are looking for 48 volunteers between the ages of 18-45 to investigate the effects of EPO on the performance of well-trained cyclists as well as the side-effects it may cause.  

Unfortunately for Armstrong, the CHDR are only looking for Dutch-speaking cyclists and half of those accepted will be given a placebo, although we may yet see him riding in Aspen ensconsed in a Michelle Thomas ‘Learn Dutch in 6 Weeks’ course.