(This text is about my own and Wills struggles with thirst and our respective past. Everybody is free to do whatever he or she feels is right and doesn’t hurt anyone else; hence no judgement whatsoever intended.)
For almost ten years I lived in a world of hypersexuality.
Every free moment was filled with sex, or at least with the search for it. I had a folder called “Fun” on my phone - in it, all the apps I apparently needed for the latter. Growlr, Scruff, Gayromeo, Gayroyal, Mobli, Grindr, Bearwww.
Google Maps was tuned in a way, that it would show good cruising-areas. I had several secret Facebook and WhatsApp-Groups for all kinds of sex-related stuff, be it orgies, pop-up sex parties, or for friends with benefits. I had apps from bathhouses that would document my visits so you would get vouchers and free passes after a certain number of attendances. My vacation-schedule was meticulously build around Bear-Events worldwide. Weekends were bound to be hook-up days - I had a special calendar for that called - you might’ve already guessed it right - “Fun”. After all, I’m german and we love being efficient. I wouldn’t recognize names or even faces when people would write me messages on WhatsApp - but indeed their nude-pictures.
I became really good at basing my self-esteem almost purely on my sex-performance. My personal - even professional - life was sex-driven and I was unable to escape this vortex by my own.
Until the day Will bumped into my life - and nothing was the same. The apps, groups, maps - all those were wiped away by the presence of this man. Not because he asked me to remove them, but because I just deleted them myself, without questioning, without knowing what impact this would have on… basically everything.
Committing myself to a relationship with only one man, being exclusive, might be by far the craziest thing of my entire adult (gay) life. I was so good, so experienced, so comfortable with my old patterns, they were the kerosine that fueled my ego.
Now, every day of exclusiveness feels new to me, I feel clumsy in my own new reality. People, the scene, realizes I’m not part of the old game anymore; I still very often receive messages asking for hook-ups or trios and a negative response usually leads to ignoring me forever. A rather sad and confusing side of the Bear-Cosmos.
The community expects me to perform - and not to change. Receiving support is a rare thing, mostly I’m being confronted with skepticism at best, if not with blunt rejection. It seems that everyone is waiting for the precise moment for us to fall. My behavior is considered naive and hopelessly romantic stupid.
Will has had a very similar past. We talked about it and our consecutive mutual struggles, as the rose tinted glasses slowly wore off. We came to the conclusion that being open to casual dates and hookups would put us back in the old world and reverse the growth we both have experienced so far. We talked about being sincere and honest, about how easy it would be to be deceitful (again) living 6000KM/3000Miles apart and not telling each other about our sexual escapades. Don’t ask, don’t tell, right?
We concluded, that we both don’t want to destroy the pureness of our love, despite all the struggles we go through.
The realization of how mighty old patterns are, of how strongly dick-controlled we might be, is for sure quite bitter.
But realizing that we both are able to change and venture through those struggles, hand in hand, embracing our own past; is the sweetest, most precious thing of my entire life. And I can’t ever be thankful enough for that.
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