love/paranoia

‼ this sb is my virtual diary!! please do not interact!! thank you luv muah‼

[beetleonthefloor]

hello! if you're reading this, what the fuck!! this is my virtual diary and i would appreciate you kindly pretending you never found this blog <3

[beetleonthefloor]

My self esteem has been so flippant lately. Especially when it comes to the talk aires and I had yesterday. How can one so devoted to another give themselves so carnally to anybody else? Or admit to me that they have considered other lovers while pleasuring themselves? I feel so ugly, both inside and out. I feel as if all my love has been in vain. I have never so seriously considered something so. So grand. It is something that intimate I may consider but never actually will commit. I have never thought of another as I do him. My heart aches but I can never tell him of the pain he has caused. I will never let him know of the tears I have wept, no matter how they have stained my soul. I continue to cry, but it is of no use. These tears and this pain serve no purpose but to drive home the fact that I have been weakened and I am hurting. I desperately wish I had a drink to wash away these thoughts.

[beetleonthefloor]

Aires. He is the greatest love of my life. Every smile he has shown me is the most beautiful thing to ever have happened. His laugh is the sweetest sound to ever have been made. Every touch we share is the greatest feeling to ever have been felt. He has the most wonderful hands. The brightest eyes. The sweetest smile. The purest soul. There has never been a man with such a presence, of such magnificence. He is one of a kind. And I am blessed through to my soul to be the one to love him forever.

[beetleonthefloor]

The pain don't define me but I still feel it

[beetleonthefloor]

So disgusted with the idea of anybody touching me right now. It's so hard to stop thinking about and it's making me cry and feel so sick but I can't stop. I feel so disgusting right now.

[beetleonthefloor]

I always cry on my birthday. It's hard to celebrate another year going by when so many of my days past were spent suffering. So mlany days spent wishing I didn't feel so miserable. And feeling selfish for my unhappiness. There are so many people in the world who would be content with a life like mine. Why must I always dwell on the negative? Why must these feelings of sadness haunt me so?

[beetleonthefloor]

Sofia and I been working since 10 o'clock this mornin on cleaning our house. It's gotten pretty bad so when we saw 15+ bags of trash, 2 lbs of dog hair, and a hidden wasps nest on the porch, we felt really good about taking care of allll of that today. you know that lady on tiktok who helps disabled people clean their house? my house was like that and today was a big, huge step towards making our house a home again. I got stung once but sofia and I had so many hilarious moments today that it's all worth it to me💝

[beetleonthefloor]

I don't give a fuck about travel town. I give a fuck that the love of my life, the most precious thing in the world to me, is so far away

[beetleonthefloor]

Thinking of how I could hide my cuts if I went from wrist to elbow. I just want that hurt. I want to bleed. I don't know how to stop thinking about this. I feel so selfish because everybody has problems but not everybody thinks like I do. I don't know what to do anymore

[beetleonthefloor]

The thought of killing myself keeps comin up lol. I don't think iw I'll do it but man all I'm doing is thinking about it. Like how real it could be. Like it just won't stop lol. I don't know what to to💝

[beetleonthefloor]

kelly + his mom offered me another ride home today. it made me cheese bc it was just so stinkin sweet. he talked to me lots today. told me not to go to cherrydale, told me to watch my jars for broken seals, and that he is allergic to fluoride. he had a bowl of chex for lunch today and even showed me his little bowl. he brought me two shopping lists and we laughed about bannas for the freezer. he and i checked out a little green spider with fuzzy legs before he said goodbye again and smiled at me. he's a sweetie

[beetleonthefloor]

It's been so long. Since the last I've seen my son. Lost to this monster.

Anyway. I've been okay. Not now, of course, but I've had good times recently. I relapsed today. Just walked right over to HBC and grabbed my trusty van der hagens and paid for them. You know what happens next. I totally fucked up cause now all I want to do is sit here for hours and bleed bleed bleed. I hope nobody blames me for relapsing. I am putting lots of blame on myself and I really don't want to think about how much I've also disappointed everybody who cares about me. But a big part of me doesn't give a fuck. It's my breakdown and I'll break down however I want to. I feel so selfish. I feel so excited that I did relapse and that I know I'm still capable of hurting myself and I feel like it's gonna be really really hard to stop this feeling before I end up going too far with it. I guess I'll talk to you later.

[beetleonthefloor]

First time I've relapsed in so long. I just needed the distraction. And the relief. I hope nobody is mad at me for it. It's just so hard to be left alone with myself. With all the crazy thoughts in my head. I'm sorry.

[beetleonthefloor]

i really sont even know where to start when it comes to just not being so. reactionary when something unexpected/upsetting happens. it's been a big problem for me for most of my life, especially the unmedicated parts, and i rlly just want to be able to deal with the rough tough stuff that hits me with way more grace. And I need to stop being so dismissive abt the things that happen and do bother me. cause I love just not thinking about things that make me upset!!! Just pretending it didnt happen or that it was funny or something.. its great!!! but...... when it's really real, i tend 2 do that and then not process it and/or actually work through it.. and then lolol ooh nooo~~ something is wrong~!! How did this happen!!!!?!!x3

anyway. i need to sleeps!! I am just thinking about everything

[beetleonthefloor]

perpetual bitterness. doesn't matter how awesome things are currently, i still can't get over the uselessness of it all. of getting up and getting dressed and putting effort into talking to people and eating. like, i just won't be here one day and yet i still have to waste my fucking time now acting like i want to do that stuff every day. i love my family and friends and my wife but i still think think think always fucking stupidly think like. Who Fuckin Cares Because It's All Pointless Anyway.

breaks my heart tbh. cause i know that when i am feeling good, i see so easily all the beautiful, little things that make life so cool. but then i just switch; it's like.. mm.. idk, i always just think think think until i think myself fucking crazy.

[beetleonthefloor]

im with you and i can roll into another year

[beetleonthefloor]

I was sniffling but was holding it together<3 believe it or not, I'm capable of calming things before they reach a certain point. anyway, i wiped da crybaby tears and patted myself on the back and went back out there and started gettin back in the groove again. Things were good I was ok and then Lol and then the fucking roast beast‼‼ an order for roast beef yes maam i can slice that for you right now just 1 moment please. It was so fresh. It was so securely wrapped and thank god because blood would have been everywhere otherwise. It was pooling and there was so much and and my heart stopped icouldnt believe i really held it together because. Well hello. Anyway. I slowly unwrapped him over the sink and I saw my gloves (the white kind) change color as it dripped down my fingers. My palms and my wrists. The blood was like. Neon. It was the brightest thing in the entire kitchen and it actually hurt to look at. Anyway. I do my thing. Breath funny and basically freak out. It set me the fuck off. It pissed me the fuck off. It was nice but it wasnt what I really wanted to see right then and idk how do I verbalize the things I felt IDK!!! XD anyway.

dropped the order in the basket. stumbled to the back room n let it out a little. it's healthy to cry. i made myself think about the most beautiful thing in the world ever and i just barely managed to get myself back together. Again. I stood up from the little ball I was curled into and lololololololol

my fracking boxcutter fell out of my apron pocket. i can still hear the sound it made when it hit the floor. I just stopped. I stopped seeing funny and my heart skipped a couple times and I held my breath and just stared at my boxcutter. And then all of a sudden it started glowing on the floor. I picked it up. I stared at it for a very long time. I took it apart. I took the blade out and looked at the kitchen germs it had collected that morning. I held it in my hands and just stared at it. I wiped it clean and put it back together and pressed it to my wrist. all I did was just press down I promise I did not really hurt myself but that's when I started laughing I started laughing so so damn hard it was just so funny it was so funny it was so funny I couldn't help my damn idiot self at all I was laughing and crying and just pressing down and enjoying the moment.

I collected myself and finished my shift.