The Truth About Feeling 22
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I had been waiting to turn 22 since October 22, 2012, the day Taylor Swiftās āRedā album came out, and I had heard the song ā22ā. And soon the long three years passed and on November 12, I was finally able to blast the song, sing the lyrics and actually mean it (I was also able to change my facebook/twitter status to, āidk bout you, but im feelin 22ā).
Most people who know me know how much of a fan I am of Taylor. I listen to her music religiously, I learn from her mistakes, and I genuinely, really look up to her. Everything I know, I essentially learned from Taylor, so I had high hopes for when I would turn 22. The song and music video made it sound like a fun, party filled year where Iād finally have every problem of mine and settled and just breeze through life.
Yeah...so, about thatā¦
Iāve been 22 years old for a solid 7-8 months and I can honestly tell you that itās most definitely not a breeze.
People are told that your teen years are hard because youāre going through puberty and so much is changing within you; however, what they donāt tell you is that once you hit your 20ās, things donāt magically get cured because this is when everything else around you is also changing. Itās a whole new ball game and a list of new things that you have to learn and get accustomed to: graduating from college, financially providing for yourself, trying to keep in touch with friends, figuring out why boys are still not liking you back because youāve gloād up and they should be noticing this stuff, and why there are so many confusing words and numbers on your tax forms.
These are all some things that Iāve been faced with going into this year and I felt a bit blindsided. Taylor Swift didnāt mention anything about all this. She was singing about falling in love with strangers and having breakfast at midnight. The more I thought about it, though, I realized I couldnāt point fingers at her for falsely advertising because what I didnāt do was read (or, rather, sing) between the lines. Sheād carefully hinted at how confusing, stressful, and scary it all was, while also writing about the fun, happy aspects. Maybe it was a bit foolish of me to assume that things would magically work out as soon as midnight rolled around on my birthday and Iād suddenly be this girl who knew all the ropes of adulthood.
Sadly, life doesn't work that way, and being 22 is indeed a miserable and magical journey.
Several of my friends graduated this year -- others didnāt. Being in college you have the option to change your major, take gap years, and take classes at your own ease, which oftentimes leads you to not graduate on time and be a bit left back. This was what happened to me and I couldnāt walk with my class on the day of graduation. It was disappointing and stressful, but in the end I realized that the beauty of college is that it gives you the freedom of moving at your own pace and that wasnāt such a bad thing. In turn, this bought me some time, because a lot of my friends who did graduate are now doing gap years or have no idea what they want to do nor even how to get a job.
Which brings me to my next point--$$$. I never knew as a child that money would mean so much to me despite how shallow that sounds. When I was younger, I figured my parents were in charge of all that and as long as they got me whatever I wanted, everything was fine. Little did I know how important the value of a dollar is. One of the biggest things I realized this past year is that once I was done with school, I was going to be in massive debt from school loans. How scary is that? Youāre expected to pay the government every month straight out of your check for years to pay off thousands of dollars. This could essentially take years. So, as soon as that thought got into my head, I started to obsessively apply for jobs on and off for a good year and a half, hoping something would come along so Iād know that I had some savings to work with. However, it was really hard to get called back when you had little to no job experience. It sucked for me because Iāve started feeling guilty about living off of my parentsā money and I know Iām not alone in this. Many of my friends and I have conversations about how having a job is important so you arenāt relying on someone else to pay for your meals, outings with your friends, or day to day essentials. Several of my other friends are actually being cut off financially from their parents now that theyāre done with school. Talk about scary. Ā
So, after all that job hunting, I finally got a few calls back and then started stressing about a whole new thing--interviews. Interviews are scary, when you think about it. You have to sit down in front of someone who has the power to either hire you and give you that money or potentially reject you and send you back in the unemployment pool. What kind of things would they ask? Will I know the answer? How much bullshitting could I get away with? Most importantly--what do I wear? It was disheartening when I realized my One Direction tour t-shirt and skinny jeans werenāt going to cut it. I was happy when a company finally hired me about two weeks back, handing me several forms to fill out before I began. I was instantly daydreaming about all the concert tickets I could buy with the money, but then I took a look at the forms and a new stress factor came up--how to fill out tax forms.
Note: I still donāt know.
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I remember this one day, one of my childhood best friends and I got a large pizza pie and sat in the park and ate it while talking about life and how much had changed since we were naive 11 year olds in our ugly, green school uniforms. She and I graduated both middle and high school together, but come college when we were separated, I only saw her a handful of days a year, which makes me really sad, but more appreciative of the time we do spend together. That day, Iād mentioned to her how lonely Iād been feeling lately because college was essentially that--lonely. And I knew I wasnāt the only one who thought this. Unlike high school, where youāre forced to see each other everyday, in college everything is bigger and making friends was a feat. On top of that, the friends that you made from before are off doing their own things and at this age unless you tried really hard it was easy to drift apart and lose touch. In high school, I had so many friends, my mom would yell at me about the phone bill, but now I found that I could count on hand how many friends I talked to in a day. When I told as much to my friend, she had a simple answer: the more you grow up, the more you start to lose friends because you start to grow up without each other into completely different people, thus losing that connection. To this day, I still donāt know how to feel about that.
As far as love went, Iāve been in a dry spell since I was 19, which seems like a lifetime ago whenever I think about it. Some people canāt do that and opt to be with someone all the time because thatās what theyāre most comfortable with, but I personally enjoyed the solitary of the past three years. For as long as I could remember, I was boy crazy--jumping from one crush to another. So much so, that whenever it didnāt work out, I led myself to believe that it was because something was wrong with me or I was lacking something. In these past three years, I tried focusing on myself and understanding who I am and who Iām growing to be. And truth be told, it was a learning experience. For the first time in my life, I didnāt fall in love with a boy--I fell in love with myself and that was enough--I was enough.
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Through all these different changes you can go through in your early 20ās, itās hard to lose focus on yourself since there is so much going on, but itās so important that you do. One of the biggest things I learned this year is that change is inevitable. Life will always throw curveballs at you, straying you from your path, but you need always remember how lucky you are to have yourself. Things will get messy, confusing and weird at times with all the craziness of adulthood and youāll inevitably feel lost and confused, but one thing you know is that youāll always have yourself. You should be your own anchor and strength because at the end of the day you may not be able to turn to anybody else. In times when it all gets too much for me, I look towards uplifting songs, inspiring posts, and just hold myself together long enough to remember that I got this and I am going to be okay.
The truth about being 22 is that none of us really have it all figured out. When youāre 22, youāre trying to learn the ropes of adulthood, figure out where youāre going in the future, and how to get there. Taylor Swift was not kidding when she said that youāll feel confused and lonely, but at the same time, she also wasnāt wrong in saying that youāll be happy and free as well. Itās true that being 22 is difficult, but youāll have more of a sense and freedom to know who you are as a person. Youāll know what your priorities are, who your real friends are, and what exactly is that you want. Nobody said adulting (yes, I just made it a verb because it should be) is easy, but as long as youāre dancing like youāre 22 everything will be alright.
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