Stream Of Consciousness

I intend to use this as a sort of existential crisis pressure release valve. To write the sort of stuff you want to say to someone but who? So I’ll talk to the void Or maybe repost funny shit. 🤷‍♂️

[behind-the-illusion]

‘Err sorry but this the the women’s bathroom...’

Yes I know.

Iv been using them my whole life.

I understand why you have said that though.

The facial hair along with my masculine style of clothing does give off the impression that I am in the wrong place.

Plus we are in a night club. You might think I’m drunk and don’t realise where I am.

You are definitely worried I’m in here for less than honerable intentions.

I assume it is part of your job as a bathroom attendant.

But I didn’t cause any harm.

I put off coming in here until I was desperate because I don’t want this kind of confrontation.

I came in with a friend to try and signal that everything was ok.

I kept my head down and didn’t make eye contact with anyone to avoid making anyone scared or uncomfortable.

I did everything I could to not appear threatening.

I don’t take issue with you checking in with me about the situation because I understand it’s unusual to see someone like me in here.

Even if it does mean exposing private information about myself to a stranger. No one else has to pass a questionnaire to get in here but I’m understanding about that.

What I do take issue with, however, is even after being aware of my situation you still asked me to wait outside for my friend. Like I didn’t belong.

I don’t suppose you listened to what I actually said. You were probably concentrating on getting me to leave as quickly as possible.

I realise the bathroom is a safe place for women and I respect that. I don’t feel comfortable using the men’s for the same reasons.

I don’t feel completely comfortable in women’s bathrooms either if I am honest with you. I can’t just walk in like other women do without thinking about it. But it is the lesser of two evils.

I am not proposing the end of segregated bathrooms. They do serve a purpose there is no denying that. What is needed is a third option.

I would not be in here if a third gender neutral option existed.

If public places can create separate bathrooms for the disabled surely it wouldn’t take much to ask that places have three genders of toilets rather than two?

Who knows maybe one day that could be commonplace.

I don’t believe that the gender neutral space would be abused by cis or gender conforming people. It would probably make them just as uncomfortable as I and my fellow trans or non binary peers feel in gendered spaces.

But it would mean the world to us. 🏳️‍🌈

[behind-the-illusion]

Lost in my own mind, I stare absently and the water boiling, the bubbles rising and disappearing in rapid succession cooking my dinner as they work.

Their hand touches my back and moves up onto my shoulder pulling me from my stuper. They know I have spiralled and need grounding. I give them a knowing half smile and tilt my head towards them and they return the action. Our foreheads touch, it means thanks, I love you, and they know it.

I open my eyes and they are gone.

It’s just my kitchen and my hard working bubbles.

I know what I need. I take care of myself.

[behind-the-illusion]

Is it better to have someone be upset with you for not behaving the way they think you should given how they think you feel about them,

Or have them be devistated that they are not in fact the person they thought they were in your eyes?

Either way their feelings are hurt and even though I don’t care about them as much as they think I do I’ still don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m not that evil.

But it’s too much effort to be who they want me to be all the time nor is it fair for me to have to live like that and I can’t explain my behaviour without them finding out how I truly feel.

Plus the fact they wouldn’t really and truly listen to me objectively which is the whole reason I don’t get along with them anyway...

[behind-the-illusion]

When I’m feeling lonely I want to whine about having no close friends, but the person I want to whine to would consider themselves one of my close friends, and they are, but for some reason our friendship doesn’t fill whatever hole it is I think I have. We are close more because of the length of time we have known each other than the loving bond I’m looking for. It’s not emotionaly what I need/am missing. Of course I can’t tell them this it would upset them and I don’t want that, and it’s not just them it’s all my friendships. None of them feel emotionally strong enough. Eventually my low feelings pass and I forget all about it.

But something this time has got me wondering. Maybe it’s not that someone external is missing from my life. What if the reason I dont think i have those connections is that I’m just not capable of feeling the emotional bond I have with other people. At least not in the way I think it should be felt. Even with family, I care about their feelings but I’m not sure I feel the same way about them that I imagine others do about theirs. Could I be unable to feel the kind of loving bonds I imagine other people to have with their friends/family?

I’m sure it makes me some kind of autistic. Or just a cold hearted asshole one or the other...

[behind-the-illusion]

I fixed my pencil sharpener today.

I bought a metal one rather than plastic and the blade wasn’t lined up probably so instead of just buying a new one like others would I found a screw driver and adjusted it.

I know it’s a small thing but it made me happy so I thought I share it with you.

[behind-the-illusion]

Quit stealing people’s joy

You’ve been a real grumpy and depressing asshole lately and you can see it rubbing of on the people around you now.

Stop preaching your cinical world view with people who didn’t ask to hear it, it doesn’t and won’t ever achieve anything and you know it.

People have to work hard for their joy and don’t need you adding to that.

[behind-the-illusion]

Modern civilisation is like a cage that most people just aren’t aware of.

They happily go about their lives, unknowingly reinforcing it.

I have seen the bars but I can not escape.

One day it will crumble and I’ll be ready to join the brave on the other side.

[behind-the-illusion]

Yes. By all means take up more space, but don’t become the asshole that was taking up yours.

[behind-the-illusion]

Why is everyone so scared to be sad?

[behind-the-illusion]

We distract ourselves from the world because we are ashamed of it and we know we can’t fix it.

Some chose only to focus on the positives (geez how often do we get told to do that!) but that’s not reality.

Some chose to focus and get passionate about the things they can change, and that’s fine, but it’s still only a distraction.

There’s a world crumbling just behind us

While we go on with the disractions we call our lives something always feels... missing.

We haven’t turned around and fully excepted the gravity of our situation.

[behind-the-illusion]

Situations that you rehearse or imagine in your head never seem to come true

But what if, for some reason, they can’t come true because you have already thought of them

What if instead of happening to you they happen to the you in an alternate time line

I get a little sad when I have a good daydream thinking these things will now never happen to me, or at least this me

[behind-the-illusion]

Too much too fast that’s you’re problem

You’re not used to such strong emotions and you’ve had a big spike resently

More than the next person that’s for sure

You’re not as special as you think you are but doesn’t mean you’re not liked so just do what you want to do but don’t force it

Would you find it weird

It depends I guess

Shame it’s weird to ask if it’s weird

[behind-the-illusion]

Just pick one! I can’t process all those different trains of thought at once 😖 I’m trying to work god damn it!

Even though work is just a construct of this existence we have created for ourselves I still need to do it in order to continue to participate comfortably in it therefore it is currently important.

[behind-the-illusion]

We bond as humans strongest through shared negative experiences

Yet we avoid them.

We cover up or don’t share negative emotions.

No wonder we all feel disconnected and lonely

[behind-the-illusion]

Panic not knowing what to do.

You have to do something you don’t want to lose it.

You’ve never been able to keep it going before so you’re probably going to fuck it up now too.

Its causing chest pains.

I think..

I need a hug but don’t see when I will next get one. A long hug not a ‘hey nice to see you’ one. A real one.

[behind-the-illusion]

Iv found writing in a note book helps but that’s no good if you’re having and episode away from said note book and by the time you get to it it will be over, but you need to write it down right now cause it’s paralysing and you’ve got work to do.

Thought about starting a blog a lot so now or never this is an emergency.

Turns out I already had tumblr! Who knew!