Behind The Mental Illness

My name is Ayanna, and I started this blog in 2014 to talk about mental illness. I want to normalize the conversation. I am in recovery from an eating disorder, depression, and have anxiety. And every time I get the opportunity, I talk about it. Because I want to help others feel less alone and break the stigma surrounding mental health. I also share my journey of navigating life as someone who is attracted to people regardless of their gender. I also play the guitar, sing, write songs and poetry. I am an author and a musician. I get personal on my blog with sharing my experiences; this is what my life looks like behind mental illness. 12,806 Followers

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The Recovery Process

I haven't been on here in forever, I miss this supportive community😊 Some major updates: last week I graduated with Cum Laude honors from undergrad with a BA in Psychology yays! Also, in the fall I am going to Columbia University for grad school whaattt!

And I also spoke at an event to share my ED recovery story. And I spoke at a press conference to raise awareness for Bipolar Disorder and suicide.

And my ED recovery is going so much better. I am challenging myself and taking things moment by moment.

In the first time in years I finally feel a shift upwards, like I'm turning a beautiful corner. If I could go back and talk to my 13 yr old self, I would tell her to hold on, that things will truly get better, that I deserve to be here and there are so many wonderful things waiting for you. I am so glad that I kept fighting to be here.

Also, happy pride ya'll🌈💜💖💙 to my fellow bi and queer cuties!

I am genuinely proud of myself. My goal is to continue to do my best and believe in myself. I will trust in how strong I am.

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Recovery Update

I’ve had some slip ups here and there. Recovery has really been up and down, with some amazing beautiful moments and then really difficult moments. But these past few months have felt more like a relapse than a slip up, because all I could think about was restricting and engaging in that more often than not. I really felt like I was going around in circles with my recovery. Because I keep running back to something that I know is hurtful to my mind and body, but I keep doing it anyway.

So these past 2 weeks I’ve made some major changes. I got a new therapist, seeing a dietitian to go on a proper meal plan, and a new primary care doctor. I’m building a new treatment team. I am prioritizing my recovery.

I’m finally starting to turn things back around and have been nourishing my body. And I’m addressing things in therapy that I haven’t been. I’m back in the driver’s seat, I feel a renewed sense of hope and motivation towards recovery.

I’m really proud of myself.

Relapses can happen in recovery, that doesn’t mean all of your progress is lost. Make the next right choice. I choose recovery. 

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The holidays are here and 6 years into recovery I'm still hesitant about family gatherings and navigating ED thoughts. I don't want to just get through the holidays, I want to have fun!

The best thing to do is to prioritize your needs and self care. It's super hard, but that can help alleviate some of the holiday anxiety that arises.

Thanksgiving is particularly hard since I lost my Grandmother the day before, and I still have that one family member who loves to comment on my food intake. It's a lot of emotional stress, but what I can control is how I react: attending free ED support groups, upping the self care, taking breaks throughout the day, and reaching out to love ones or friends for support💛 You got this!

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Last call for donations folks! The anonymous donor will be matching all donations until 11:59 tonight! Every $ counts, even just $1 would make a HUGE difference!

If each of you donated $1, we would have $12,908 in funds to give cash to those who need help accessing life saving eating disorder treatment.

Please follow the link to my Project HEAL Week fundraising page.

https://give.classy.org/ayannahealweek

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Super excited to be going live on Instagram at @you_deserve_recovery tomorrow at 8pm EST with such an amazing human being, Heather Olson (@recovery_for_jesus) We're going to talk about barriers one can face when trying to get access to eating disorder treatment. Heather and I know this all too well, as we have had to navigate these barriers ourselves. Join us as we share our stories and fundraise for Project HEAL Cash Assistance Program, to help eliminate barriers to treatment for those that are struggling.

Heather has been an Ambassador for Project HEAL since September of 2020, and lives in Ohio. She's passionate about not only pursuing her own recovery from an eating disorder through treatment and her faith in God, but also advocating for others who struggle and help them to see that there is hope. Heather enjoys music, reading, and tap dancing in her free time. She's also a member of the Ashland University Alumni Association Board of Directors.

Hope you all can tune in tomorrow!

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Happy HEAL Week 2021! I need your support y'all, I'm raising funds for Project HEAL’s Cash Assistance Program. My goal is $150, which will cover someone's travel to treatment.

During my treatment for an eating disorder, I was burdened with travel expenses in addition to expensive out of pocket fees for therapy & medical costs.

Please help get cash into the pockets of those who are in need of life saving treatment and need this cash to support their recovery.

Follow this link to donate and please share with your family & friends!

https://give.classy.org/ayannahealweek

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I'm taking a photography class this semester, it's fun, but I'm taking more pictures of myself than I expected to. I'm still navigating body acceptance and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Recovery means being vulnerable and pushing against the thoughts that you're not good enough. Well, you are good enough. And you are worth recovery!

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I'm stressed out, but that's okay because it means I care. When I was depressed and suicidal, I didn't care about anything. Now I'm looking towards something. And even though my tomorrow may be anxiety provoking, I still want a tomorrow.

I live with mental illness, and that means that my experiences are going to be more heightened than normal. And that's something I'm still trying to balance. But no matter what my tomorrow looks like, I choose recovery.

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In recovery, I feel things again. Before I was just going through the motions and numb to everything, but now I feel things. And that means I get to feel love and happiness too.

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I'm finally feeling peace within myself, despite the ups and downs of recovery. I've been faced with some challenges lately; my weight gain, stress, anxiety, and eating my meals at appropriate times. And these things suck, but it's not stopping me from going forward with my recovery. I want nothing to do the eating disorder, it does not serve me to engage in ED behaviors.

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hello! i had a question about anxiety if you don't mind? you don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable!

i have health anxiety and so, get triggered by reading about illness/disorders and basically, whatever people say they're suffering from, it sticks in my mind and i start to fear developing it as well. i was actually healing and had almost one whole year without any anxiety bouts. but it went downhill roughly four weeks ago

recently i read about someone mentioning having thoughts and compulsions (ocd) and while i never had any of those before, after reading, i started having those thoughts roughly here and there and thus, have another bout of health anxiety (this time focusing on ocd scare).

i wanted to ask if its normal to have some negative thoughts with anxiety? my therapist says that its just stuff i read online that's sticking in my mind and nothing else but i had no one else to talk about this too 😬

i'm sorry if this bothers you and that was never my intention. thank you so much for this blog! lots of love <3

Hey love😊 I definitely experience having negative thoughts with my anxiety. It can feel very unsettling at times but I know that it will eventually pass.

I'm not a mental health professional, this is just my personal experience. But I'm so glad you're connected with a therapist who can help you navigate this anxiety. Wishing you all the best on your journey💚 You're not alone and my Ask is always open.

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I love blogging about mental health and supporting Project HEAL's efforts to connect people that are battling an eating disorder to life saving treatment. Please follow the link to subscribe to my email list where I share my writing about mental health and info about raising funds for those who are struggling💛

Mental Health Advocate | Project HEAL Ambassador | Blogger

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Tonight was SO special getting to sit down with Project HEAL! See the link below. I shared my eating disorder recovery journey and treatment experiences as a black queer woman. We talked about the shifts we're seeing in the eating disorder and mental health community, what exactly are they doing to create a safe space for BIPOC individuals.

Thank you to those who donated to Project HEAL's live fundraiser! There's still an opportunity to donate by following the link in my Instagram bio. All proceeds go to individuals who are in need of life saving treatment, and specifically to BIPOC & LGBTQ+ folks through Project HEAL's Treatment Equity Projects.

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CR95cS0HwaD/?utm_medium=copy_link

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I am SO excited for today's IG Live with Project HEAL. We're talking all things ED recovery, sharing my journey as a black woman in recovery. And the best part, raising funds for Project HEAL's BIPOC Equity Project😊

Tune in on Instagram at 5 PM EST.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Ayanna Bates (@you_deserve_recovery)

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Recovery fatigue. Literally what I'm feeling right now. Some days eating just comes naturally and other days it takes so much energy to push myself to eat.

Recovery can feel like a second full time job on top of everything else you're facing in life. But the most important thing is that you keep going. No matter the urges or slip ups, just continue to do your best.

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I have many clothes that don't fit me anymore, so I bagged them up, sent them to be donated, and bought new clothes. I didn't want to leave that pair of jeans in my closet in hopes of "fitting into them one day," by going on a diet and using eating disorder behaviors. It's not worth it.

I feel so much better that my closet is cleaned out and that I'm wearing things that I feel comfortable in. Recovery can take all kinds of twists and turns, but the eating disorder doesn't dictate my life anymore.

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I prioritized my eating today. I’m proud of myself.