this awful energy

i shiver on the one, i breathe for two. i give you what you want, i bend the truth. & everything's aflame, it's all aglow. i know that i can play that game, i fool them all. jamie. twenty one. they/them. drafts: 20. messages: i'm trash. memes: 00. independent oc rp blog. semi-selective & slow with replies. nsfw content & triggers. i will not follow/interact with blogs who don't have rules/guidelines! sideblogs - bobby james & snow bell. var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5247729"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=&e2=&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write("");

[beingpoised]

theo is over here on her new blog.

[rhubarbes]

[depresifdomates-deactivated2018]

[beingpoised]

inhalcyon:

“oh.” kai breathes, and yeah, that makes a lot more sense then. whilst theo settles herself, kai is unlocking his phone and opening the ‘clock’ app. he sets the time to three minutes, but he doesn’t turn it on just yet, instead waiting until his fiancée has finished and set the pregnancy test to the side. he has a feeling these are going to be a few of the longest minutes of his life, and he’s already beginning to fidget, uncomfortably restless and wanting to know right now. his phone is being placed down on the edge of the sink, and he moves away from it, instead going to her so he can wrap an arm about her waist and draw her into his chest. he figures if he’s feeling some other level of frazzled, then theo must be even more so, and all he ever wants is to make it better for her. to make her comfortable, and happy, and safe. leaning down, he presses his lips lightly against the corner of her mouth, and the palm of his left hand is pressing to the small of her back, easing up over the curve of her spine. “okay?”

she melts into his embrace so readily, small form attempting to get lost in his arms. her chin is tilted upward, and she offers a shaky smile for the kiss to the corner of her lips. “i... i didn’t realise that this-- that i’d want it so bad? the idea has been in my head for five minutes and... and already i don’t know how to breathe at the thought of it not being true,” she admits, tucking a little further into her safe place and letting out a little sigh. “how’re... how’re you feeling?” she questions then, lips brushing against his jaw as she speaks and both of her hands coming up to rest on his waist. she’s resisting the urge to glance this way or that to check the time or the test itself, but it’s hard. it’s so so hard to wait. 

[beingpoised]

inhalcyon:

kai perches himself on the edge of the sink, eyes never leaving theo as she lets go of his hand and goes about unwrapping the test. his heart is beating really hard and really fast now, and he isn’t sure what to do with all the pent-up energy currently buzzing about inside of him. it takes a lot to top himself standing and pacing back and forth, but he imagines his erratic movements would benefit her even less than they would him. at her behest, he’s pulling his mobile from the pocket of his jeans, not really having had time tonight to change into anything else after arriving home from work. he’d been too busy with rolly, and now he’s so wrapped up in this, it doesn’t even matter. “yeah, i’ve got it. do you want me to message izzy? or?” he’s confused as to the reason she needs it, though he can’t imagine she’ll want to message her before they actually confirm that this is really happening. 

“no, no,” she’s shaking her head quite abruptly -- she wouldn’t want izzy to know until they know for sure, but on top of that, she’d want to celebrate with her fiancé and have some time alone to process the news before getting anyone else involved. “i need you to time the test. it takes three minutes,” she explains then, positioning the stick beneath her and trying to force herself to pee. it takes a moment or two of imagining running water and the sounds of the ocean before she’s actually able to do it, and relief washes over her features as she succeeds. a few seconds later and she’s setting the test down ( out of sight ), and getting herself cleaned up, toilet flushed and panties back in place. and now... now she’s left standing there, unsure of what to do with herself and the small eternity they have ahead of them before they can check the test. three minutes has never seemed so long. 

[outropeace]

[beingpoised]

inhalcyon:

she’s right. kai knows she is, and he knows that he might be getting ahead of himself with this, but it’s too difficult for him to not get incredibly excited at even the possibility of this being a reality. they’d decided ages ago to stop the birth control, to let whatever may happen, happy, and while it had taken a while, he finds himself stunned by the idea of it actually happening. there’s a little nod, just the slightest dip to his chin, and it’s too difficult for him to tear his gaze away from her’s for even a second. his hand moves from where it’s still resting on her hip to grip her hand now instead, fingers gently intertwining, and his heart leaping into his throat. it sticks there, lodging itself in firm, and making it hard for him to swallow. “yeah, i’ll come with you. yeah.” there’s a little waver to his voice, and then kai is gently tugging theo towards the bathroom with him, needing to know as soon a they possibly can. false positives don’t happen, right? only false negatives? he doesn’t remember. he’d read it somewhere once, in the middle of the night, probably by accident when he was scrolling through his twitter feed or googling baby names or whatnot else. he can’t imagine what else it could be. 

she’s possibly a little bit in shock, since she actually needs his guidance to get to the bathroom. she’s more than grateful for his hand slipping into her own and the lacing of their fingers together. it steadies her slightly, and she’s able then to put one foot in front of the other. she doesn’t really kick into action until they enter the smaller room, and she’s allowing their hands to break contact only because she needs to search for the stash of tests, and her other hand refuses to leave her slightly swollen belly. she rummages in the cabinet above the sink, and her hand is trembling slightly as it comes to close around a thin cardboard box. “do you have your phone?” she asks then, realising she doesn’t have her own and they need a way to time it. her voice is trembling slightly, but there’s a determined set to the way she straightens herself up and removes the packaging from around the test. most would probably be embarrassed by the idea of settling onto the toilet to pee in front of their partner, but she’s literally held kai’s willy whilst he peed before ( both out of playfulness and necessity ) and this is different anyway. this isn’t just a pee, it’s so much more. 

[beingpoised]

inhalcyon:

“them.” kai repeats, and their eyes are meeting, and there’s a smile in his, and soon, it’s being joined by one on his lips as well. it’s impossible for him to keep at at bay, and they should probably find out for sure before he starts crying, but he can’t help it. he’s so excited! and it’s so beautiful! and just the idea of it makes him tingle from the top of his head to the tips of his toes! “i think we did it, my dove. i think – i think we did. remember how you’ve been a little ill, and a little tired? remember that?” of course theo remembers it, kai probably doesn’t have to point that out at all, but he can’t help how he does regardless of that. he can’t help the awe he feels, and the way his mind is connecting the dots in a way that the vast majority of the time he’d have to be helped with. maybe he just wants it too much. maybe that’s what it is. they hadn’t really been trying necessarily – not in any organised, serious context – but of course he’s had those feelings, and he’s had those urges, and he’s always shared them with her. always.

it’s true that they hadn’t necessarily been trying, which is likely part of the reason she hadn’t jumped to such a conclusion all by herself. but ever since kai had shared his desires and urges with her, they’d agreed she would come off birth control and let nature take its course. it didn’t feel right to be going through with those fantasies in the knowledge that she was purposely making it impossible to come to life, and she’s been almost convinced that she couldn’t get pregnant anyway. she hasn’t had a regular period in over a year now. it's for that reason that, even with kai saying things that threaten to excite her so fucking much, she tries to reel it back and keep her emotions in check until she knows for sure. she already can feel her eyes prickling with tears of the very best kind, and she's craving to stroke over her belly and have kai do the same to meet and say hello to their little tiny baby -- but they need to be sure first. they need to be 100% certain. "we... we need to do a test. we really should... should do a test, yeah? will you... will you do it with me?" she asks, meaning she'd like his company in the bathroom with her. she doesn't need to pee, but fuck knows she'll make it happen somehow. 

[beingpoised]

inhalcyon:

kai has just put rolly down to bed and gotten him soundly asleep, and his heart is all fuzzy and full as he makes his way back to his dove with a little bounce in his step. the hesitation in the doorway is for how she’s just standing there, looking at herself in a way that he knows all too well, and worry creases his brow as she glances at him. there’s nothing but love in how pale blues sweep down over her form, from the bunch of his band tee beneath her breasts, to the visible outline of her rib cage, to the slight bump that’s sure enough visible there. it’s not explicitly something he’s noticed before, at least not in a conscious way, but now that his attention has been actively brought to it – well. his mind only goes to one place. within moments, kai has closed the distance between himself and his fiancée, and his arm, is going around her from behind, the palm of his hand gently resting on her hip. he dare not touch her tummy – not until he talks to her and tells her what he’s thinking. he knows how triggered this has probably made her. “dove,” he begins, eyes all bright and sparkly as he tucks a kiss against her shoulder, “i think we made them.”

there’s a look of complete surprise settling on her features before kai has even begun to cross the room. it’s for the look on his face, for the way he’d lingered on her belly, and even without words, it’s enough confirmation to know the bump is truly there. she isn’t sure how to feel about that. there’s relief for it not all being in her head, of course. but, well... it still isn’t exactly the happiest thing she’s ever experienced. the bright spark in her lover’s eyes is also a tad confusing, and she knows he likes when she gains weight, but this is a bit much even for that. but he’s coming closer now, and his presence alone is soothing, especially with the way his arm goes around her and his lips connect with her shoulder. “made... them?” it comes slow, like she doesn’t understand, and it takes a few long moments for realisation to set in and her heart to begin skipping beats. pale greys have widened now, almost frantic in the way she stares up at him for confirmation. “them? as in... as in...them?!” very coherent, theo. well done. 

[beingpoised]

she’s imagining it. she’s sure she’s imagining it. she’s been too fucking happy lately, and of course that means something bad must happen and fuck it all up! and it’s clearly her mind doing it. she’s stood in front of their mirror, turning this way and that, wearing nothing but a pair of her panties and one of kai’s band tees that’s currently pulled up to just bellow her breasts. she usually hates to examine herself this way, it makes her too anxious, but she can feel her clothes getting tighter and looking in the mirror she can see a fucking bulge on her belly. and she hasn’t even been eating a lot! not through choice, but more through feeling nauseous a lot of the time ( something else she’s written off as being part of her eating disorder ). she hears when her fiancé’s footsteps stop by their door, and she’s glancing up toward kai with her lip caught between her teeth and one hand on the bottom of her belly. “do you see it too?” she sounds anxious, and she sounds quiet, and she actually wants the bump to be there because she doesn’t want to fight with her head again. 

[beingpoised]

might ??? revamp this. soonish.

[reigndaily]

[wnq-writers]

I can look at photos of us touching and remember exactly how that moment felt, how you felt, how warm you always were, while I, the exact opposite. Why didn’t we take more photos cuddling? That way I could have had enough photos to sustain me till I no longer wish remember your warmth.

alexusgonzalez

[hecvte]

I opened up my rib cage and planted a garden of thorns, I felt the points pressing against my lungs, and each breath felt like a hard won war.

Thorn Blossoms by a.m.

[since-he-was-eighteen]

[beingpoised]

since-he-was-eighteen:

so pretty.

[softangelouis-deactivated201708]

🌸🌸🌸

[beingpoised]

guess who's laptop broke again 🙃