If I stand up for myself, I’m an asshole. If I don’t say anything, I’m a doormat. It feels like many people don’t like me, for what seems like no reason. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or why I even care so much about other people’s view of me. Why do I need to be liked so much? Or maybe, why do I want to be liked? To quote Halsey, “why do you need love so badly?”
I don’t even want to be like this. I want to not care. How do people even do that? I’ve been working at this for over 30 years. I’m exhausted. I want to recluse. But I want to be included in things too. I don’t have any close friends anymore. I’ve moved too much. I’ve finally settled down in where I want to live & stay. Ever since the pandemic started, it’s been even harder to make friends.
I’ve only had three best friends in my life. All in different states. One in high school, one in college & one right before COVID started. Only one of them is in the current state I live in, and unfortunately I had to end things with her. I can be the bestest friend ever, do anything for that person, be there whenever. It’s been so hard to find someone willing to do the same for me. I’m constantly giving my all to others and getting breadcrumbs in return. I even tried to meet friends thru BumbleBFF. I met someone who I thought was great, but as soon as I started to pull away to see if they’d reach out; they never did. We were literally texting novels to each other for months. Getting into the deep stuff, what we were looking for in a friend among other things. We finally met up after months of texting & snapchatting. And honestly it was great! We were back to texting everyday after that. Over the next several of months I asked her to hang out at least 5 times. We only made solid plans one of those times and then she cancelled on me at the VERY last minute and never rescheduled. Which is why I gave up in the first place.
Thankfully, I’ve found my partner, the love of my life. We got married last week. Truly, he’s someone who treats me like a queen. I am so so so happy with that part of my life, but why am I so unhappy with other parts? Why can’t I just be happy, content even? My husband is amazing, but he’s also very introverted. He doesn’t really talk much to others except for me. Which is really special in some ways. He can’t always give me what I need in the sense of going out, being social. I don’t necessarily want to do these things all the time, but I do every one in a while.
Oh and my job. My job has me in a weird position. My business is solely based on me, my skills & my personality. My job is great for my personality type. I talk a lot, which helps distract my clients from the pain of getting waxed. I feel that I have gained so many friendships through my work, but it’s surface level. I’ve hung out with a few of them outside of my work and that’s been great. But I also don’t want to overstep. I still need to be a professional. I thought my coworkers would be a safe bet since we have similar personalities & stuff in common. Boy was I wrong. Every thing I’ve done has gone down in flames. Scorching hot flames. I hosted a clothing swap that literally no one showed up to. Went to FL for a hair show to hopefully bond with the other ladies that were going; I felt so isolated & ended up in tears.
Like, am I annoying? Is that what this is? It feels like people avoid me like the plague. Like they’ve all had this secret meeting to warn the others about me. Yet, I know my clients love me. & I’ve had some great friendships in the past. So I don’t know where the disconnect is.
Anyways, all the questions are rhetorical & I just needed to vent. Ty if you read this 🩷
snowghoul
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