i feel like theres just something wrong with me. not mentally, not my personality, not my appearance. theres just something inherently wrong with me, and i feel like people can tell that the more they talk to me. i worry a lot, i lie a lot, i make people think i'm going to commit the next day. i mean, genuinely, there must be something wrong with me. especially the way i treat people. my dad, my mom, my best friend, my boyfriend. i don't know what to say, and if i say what i think, i feel like i'm going to be pushed away from that person for being such a blunt piece of garbage, but then again i want to help. i want to provide comfort or some sort of anchorage to the person. but sometimes i physically can't type the words or even speak the words, and its horrible when someones venting to me or trying to talk to me about their problems. i understand a lot, i do, and i understand a lot emotionally, but i just also don't understand a lot. i feel so stupid, and for someone who gets praised on her intelligence, i feel pretty fucking dumb when i just stare at the person or screen and audibly say "alright" or type "i'm sorry", because sorry isn't enough, sorry won't ever be enough, not for me anyways. but when someone vents to me, and i let them, i feel good. i feel good because i'm helping them. i feel useful, and i love being useful, but i feel like when i attempt to talk about my problems i'm just taking up air. i'm a waste of space, predictably, and i'm just shouting out words that sometimes make little to no sense, and it's all because i can't get my thoughts right, and i'll never get my thoughts right for some reason. i don't think fast sometimes, i don't act fast sometimes. i panic, i stare, i stutter, and then i finally wait till the person is done. but the panic and guilt and fear doesn't go away. it never does, and it gnaws at me. its like a constant pit in my stomach that grows every single day, and no matter what I do, i'll never get rid of it. i want to try, but when i do, it gets worse, and talking about these feelings don't help. and not to mention i feel like i constantly annoy people. either because of my stupidity, or because i make a joke out of everything. i joke to counter the guilt, but sometimes the guilt overpowers my method. and when i try and comfort someone, it feels as if i'm the one blaming them for their own issues. and i'm not a mean person, far from it according to most, but sometimes i just speak to speak, or when i speak my mind like i'm encouraged to, i instantly flinch back and expect the worst. partially because all my life i've had to hide behind a cover. i've had to flinch back and make poeple hear what they want to because i'm so terrified of being pushed away or forgotten because i spoke my mind. i mean, probably right now, they're are relationships of mine going down the gutter. my biggest fear is possibly my boyfriend leaving me, and i've never openly spoke about this (until now, because all of a sudden i got this random surge after listening to laufey), but now that i have him, i don't want to lose him, and i don't feel like "just being friends" is a good tactic after breakups because what would the person do? forget the words? pretend they never loved you? and who knows if this ever happens, i'd probably accidentally say "i love you" even after everythings ended. knowing me, i'll probably say something so mean and rude by accident he'll understand how horrible i am and he'll cut ties, and maybe, maybe that'd be healthiest for him, because considering my thought process, it would impact me heavily, and i'm mixing up my words right now, but that doesn't really matter because this little rant/vent/paragraph-whateverthefuck is me expressing my feelings through writing, and while normally i'd do this formally, right now i just can't. i feel horrible, and as stated before, i feel like theres something wrong with me. inherently, involuntarily, and unversably (i'm make up words at this point, but it basically means unreversable).
blakekathryn
kianamaiart
gummygunk
tangentwithtanner
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
ellievsbear
