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@belle-in-denial
You can call me Belle, Isabelle, Izzy or whatever you like ^-^
I have not been in tune with myself for a while, so Iām hoping that this blog helpsā¦
Wish me luck! (I accept asks!)
Transphobes, don't waste your time interacting. Your words will fall on deaf ears and you will be blocked.
I saw a photo of some girl on the mirror of my mumās makeup area and I was trying to figure out who it was, which was hard, because I was looking at it from the other room. I was thinking it mightāve been my cousin, or a younger picture of my mum?
Anyway, I get up to go have a closer look, andā¦ itās an old photo of me from the school formal, back when it was my last year of school. Apparently, with enough distance, I kinda lookedā¦ feminine, back then?
Why am I so fucking scared to take this facet of myself seriously? Itās so fucking annoying; I canāt even get past step one because thereās this mental fucking barrier in the way and itās seriously starting to piss me off.
I have motivation issues at the best of times but this oneās different; this feels similar to how scared shitless I was to ask my girlfriend outā¦ I just want to fucking- ugh! I wish there were some external force that could push me to do the things I want to do because my brain is annoying as fuck.
iām currently a bit high so i apologize if this is misinterpreting your post, and i will reread to check in the morning:
girl, i felt the same way when i started actively questioning. despite the fact i had wanted to be a girl for as long as i could remember (since i was at most like ten), it still took me two full years to accept myself as trans. it was so hard for me to accept myself, the last six months of that i was even *on estrogen* and still scared to take that facet seriously.
honestly, what probably worked the most for me was just focusing on finding the courage to start hrt, because after about six months of noticing how much better i was feeling and how much more i liked my body, i finally sort of had enough momentum to get me over that barrier.
gods, finding that courage to start was so fucking difficult though, it was such a big step, so my heart is with you <3
iāll end with saying what i would tell myself to break through my denial, i hope that it can help you:
āyou can just start transitioning. you *know* who you are. you donāt need to prove it to anybody, not even yourself. if you wait until everybody (including you too) is okay with it, youāll never take the next step. no one else can make you take that step either, so you can choose to do it scared or regret never doing it at all. itās hard and scary, but itās so fucking worth it.ā
again iām sorry if this was a load of nonsense, iāll check it when i wake up. but just know that either way, iām here for you if you need, because i was in a similar situation not too long ago, and i know how hard it can be.
youāve got this girl, youāre stronger than you know! :)
just remembered this post, so i reread it, and my response seems a lot clearer than i was expecting lol
i donāt think thereās too much i can clarify without ending up writing another novel-length post, so iāll just reiterate that transition has been scary and difficult in a lot of different ways, but itās so worth it.
when i was in your shoes, it was so hard to take that first step, but now i look back (with as much compassion for that scared little egg i can muster) and still canāt help but think āwhat took her so long?ā
i guess my advice is that thereās nobody except you who can really give you that push. so if you think about your future self, coming back to talk to present you, what would she say?
i apologize if this or my first response came across wrong or unwelcome in any way, i just feel you and want to help if i can; because i had a similar sort of mental barrier, and regret that it took me as long to get over it, because i never searched out that help.
<3
Not unwelcome at allā¦ in fact, when I read it yesterday, it hit me like a tonne of bricksā¦
I just didnāt want to say anything and then just- go back to doing nothing about itā¦ Iām scared. Iām really really scared. But sitting around and being scared to do or try anything hasnāt helped me in the slightest; Iām still where I was months ago, and I donāt want to be anymore.
I want to say that what you said helps, because it feels like it helps, but the only thing that can really quantify that is whether or not I actually actā¦ and I havenāt yet. There was a small part of me that was really hoping to do something about it all before the end of pride month, but thatās today (here in Australia) and I still havenāt done anything.
I want to say that Iāll do something by the end of the week, but I canāt promise that either; every time I set myself a period of time, I just blow past it. I just- need to act. I just need to overcome nerves, I guessā¦
i get that, when i remembered to reread it sober it kinda had the same effect on me!
and i relate very much to not being able to fully commit to deadlines that i set for myself (adhd is fucked up), part of what helped me commit to an appointment to start hrt was having someone else make sure i hit my self-imposed deadlines; checking on whether i had gotten my insurance info, whether i made the appointment, when the appointment was, how the appointment wentā¦ and holding me responsible to actually do something about the way i felt.
i donāt mean to like push you past what youāre ready for, it just sounds like deep down youāre ready for the next step, and maybe having someone keep you accountable for that might help get over the mental block. that worked for me, and i hope it would work for you too.
also if you need to talk more (about anything, not necessarily just gender stuff), iām here for you; ācause girl i have been there and i know itās not a fun place to be <3
Sometimes I feel like I have no excuse for my behaviour or lack thereof. I talk so much here about how much I struggle to act on it, and yet Iām blessed to live in a country where thereās very little actual barriers in the way; I feel inadequate.
I donāt need any fancy insurance or anything, I can just go to a GP whoās supportive enough and get a prescription through āinformed consentā. That should be enough to get ~28 hormone tablets for the equivalent of $20 usd from a local chemist (pharmacy).
The only thing standing in my way is myself, and I hate that. I hate that Iām not doing anything. I hate that I keep sitting and complaining. I hate that my brain is weird and doesnāt tell me things. I hate that I have severe motivation issues. And most of all: I hate how fucking scared I am to acknowledge myself.
Thatās my biggest fear about this whole thing; Iāve not had to care at all about who I am for 20+ years. I suck at introspection because I am so new to it. Until the last 4 or so years, I didnāt really have beliefs or values, just hobbies and people I cared about. I donāt know what Iām doing and the thought of caring about myself- caring about who I amā¦ is terrifying.
Iād like to say that I donāt know what to do, or how to do it, or what comes nextā¦ but doing so would be lying. Iām not used to this; Iām not used to caring who I am. Itāsā¦ so fucking scary because so many things that didnāt matter suddenly do.
I never cared about my looks because my body wasnāt āmeā, but there wasnāt much that was āmeā. My voice, my face, my name, what I believe in, who I amā¦ none of it really mattered, but now I want it to and itās soā¦ foreign to me.
Why am I so fucking scared to take this facet of myself seriously? Itās so fucking annoying; I canāt even get past step one because thereās this mental fucking barrier in the way and itās seriously starting to piss me off.
I have motivation issues at the best of times but this oneās different; this feels similar to how scared shitless I was to ask my girlfriend outā¦ I just want to fucking- ugh! I wish there were some external force that could push me to do the things I want to do because my brain is annoying as fuck.
iām currently a bit high so i apologize if this is misinterpreting your post, and i will reread to check in the morning:
girl, i felt the same way when i started actively questioning. despite the fact i had wanted to be a girl for as long as i could remember (since i was at most like ten), it still took me two full years to accept myself as trans. it was so hard for me to accept myself, the last six months of that i was even *on estrogen* and still scared to take that facet seriously.
honestly, what probably worked the most for me was just focusing on finding the courage to start hrt, because after about six months of noticing how much better i was feeling and how much more i liked my body, i finally sort of had enough momentum to get me over that barrier.
gods, finding that courage to start was so fucking difficult though, it was such a big step, so my heart is with you <3
iāll end with saying what i would tell myself to break through my denial, i hope that it can help you:
āyou can just start transitioning. you *know* who you are. you donāt need to prove it to anybody, not even yourself. if you wait until everybody (including you too) is okay with it, youāll never take the next step. no one else can make you take that step either, so you can choose to do it scared or regret never doing it at all. itās hard and scary, but itās so fucking worth it.ā
again iām sorry if this was a load of nonsense, iāll check it when i wake up. but just know that either way, iām here for you if you need, because i was in a similar situation not too long ago, and i know how hard it can be.
youāve got this girl, youāre stronger than you know! :)
just remembered this post, so i reread it, and my response seems a lot clearer than i was expecting lol
i donāt think thereās too much i can clarify without ending up writing another novel-length post, so iāll just reiterate that transition has been scary and difficult in a lot of different ways, but itās so worth it.
when i was in your shoes, it was so hard to take that first step, but now i look back (with as much compassion for that scared little egg i can muster) and still canāt help but think āwhat took her so long?ā
i guess my advice is that thereās nobody except you who can really give you that push. so if you think about your future self, coming back to talk to present you, what would she say?
i apologize if this or my first response came across wrong or unwelcome in any way, i just feel you and want to help if i can; because i had a similar sort of mental barrier, and regret that it took me as long to get over it, because i never searched out that help.
<3
Not unwelcome at allā¦ in fact, when I read it yesterday, it hit me like a tonne of bricksā¦
I just didnāt want to say anything and then just- go back to doing nothing about itā¦ Iām scared. Iām really really scared. But sitting around and being scared to do or try anything hasnāt helped me in the slightest; Iām still where I was months ago, and I donāt want to be anymore.
I want to say that what you said helps, because it feels like it helps, but the only thing that can really quantify that is whether or not I actually actā¦ and I havenāt yet. There was a small part of me that was really hoping to do something about it all before the end of pride month, but thatās today (here in Australia) and I still havenāt done anything.
I want to say that Iāll do something by the end of the week, but I canāt promise that either; every time I set myself a period of time, I just blow past it. I just- need to act. I just need to overcome nerves, I guessā¦
Why am I so fucking scared to take this facet of myself seriously? Itās so fucking annoying; I canāt even get past step one because thereās this mental fucking barrier in the way and itās seriously starting to piss me off.
I have motivation issues at the best of times but this oneās different; this feels similar to how scared shitless I was to ask my girlfriend outā¦ I just want to fucking- ugh! I wish there were some external force that could push me to do the things I want to do because my brain is annoying as fuck.
I saw a YouTube short where some guy and his wife were talking about how he suddenly grew more chest hair overnight and how male puberty can go up to late 20s early 30s, and likeā¦ and I thought about how itād affect me if I suddenly grew a bunch of chest hair overnight (Iām in my mid 20s)
My first thought wasnāt about how itās a thing that I should try to prevent, or what I could do about it if it happens to meā¦ it was, āoh no, thatād suck to have to live withā
ā¦do you think that the reason I struggle to act on anything regarding this whole thing could be learned helplessness? As in, because Iāve lived this way for so long, thereās now friction to escaping it?
I would fuckin ROCK a maid dress
I love my maid dress, Ima be real. I fuckin rock a maid dress
Yesterday, I had a mild existential crisis that still hasn't really subsided. My dad wanted to get a spare motorcycle helmet, so we went to a motorcycle accessory shop. We looked at helmets and boots and things, and... every time I tried to picture myself wearing anything, my current body was not what I pictured. Even if this gender thing goes nowhere... I don't think I want this face anymore, and I don't think I want this physiology either. It's a weird feeling.
This is going to sound stupid butā¦ I have had, and am still having, a bunch of stressful stuff happen in my life. Itās reached a point where thereās enough important decisions in my lap that thereās almost nothing in my life that Iām certain will remain the same within the next year (or even next few months) butā¦ despite it allā¦ I managed to replace my curtains with pink ones. The curtains in my room, Iāve changed them, and they make me happy when I look at them. It isnāt muchā¦ butā¦ it helps.
I need to ask something... from anyone who has tried hormones and decided it wasn't for them... or anyone who understands how hormones affect you mentally... if I try estrogen, will I know if it's not for me? If I try it, and it's not for me, will it be obvious? and how soon would I know?
Iāve had a lot of thoughts about what I want to look like and what my ideal body type looks likeā¦ you can take a wild guess.
Yāknow, Iām almost 24 andā¦ I thinkā¦ itās a strange way to frame it but, I think I know what I want to be when I āgrow upāā¦
When I look at what I physically dislike about myself, putting aside the mild facial paralysis, the two most significant things are my facial hair and lack of bust. I donāt think I can deny it anymore; Iām just too shit-scared to accept itā¦
I donāt understand; why wonāt I do anything about it?
Iāve been sick recently and, as a result, havenāt had the chance to shave my face. Yesterday, my parents (who donāt know really know about my gender thoughts) were saying how much they like my beard, and my mum mentioned liking my hair when it was short tooā¦ I get that they were trying to be nice or whatever but it feelsā¦ badā¦ having people talk positively about the traits Iām actively trying to remove from myself. Itās like, it makes my agency regarding my own look feel invalidated. I donāt know if thatās reasonable, but itās- yeahā¦
My brain will do so much processing just to not output. Itās likeā¦ so much happens in there but itās like a big black box and Iām not allowed to look into it. I never truly know the why of anything and itās fucking infuriating
on one hand i want hrt really bad
on the other hand the idea of it is terrifying
is it normal to feel both attraction and terror towards to same thing both turned up to 100
Thereās a reason I took a couple years lurking around trans Redditsā¦ I was scared of itā¦ even though I wanted it.
I havenāt been wearing dresses nearly as frequently recently, mostly because Iāve been preoccupied with work, butā¦ Iāve been wearing a dress and sports bra all weekend. Itās Sunday night and I usually put on my uniform for the next day the night before, but I really donāt want to take off my cute little outfitā¦ Iām gonna, but I donāt wannaā¦ it was nice looking femme for a bit.
Ifā¦ theoreticallyā¦ I were considering hrtā¦ how would one go about not being fucking terrified of telling their doctor? Theoretically speakingā¦
One of the things pushing me away from E is the fear that I might not actually be trans, and that Iād be making medical decisions based on a misinterpretation of the selfā¦ but Iām starting to wonder if that even matters?
Like, if Iām notā¦ Iād still probably be a femboyā¦ so, if I were a femboy, E still wouldnāt be the worst thingā¦ right? Does it even matter if I am? Iām not sure; Iām not really sure of anythingā¦ My brain doesnāt really work like that.
I wish I wasnāt so afraid of fucking this upā¦
