JAY AND ALICE HAVE JUST SEEN THE TV AD FOR ROSEANNE PAIRING UP WITH DAN AND A LESBIAN
*Jay and Alice are sitting just like that*
Alice: Jay...do you know where my bricks of grass went?
Jay: *eager to change the subject* The kids took them. Yesterday! At Marty's party!
Alice : ...None of those boys light fires, do they?
Jay: No, don't worry. They just wanted to use them to wall in my dad in the brick alcove like Cask of Amontillado.
Alice: Oh, those little scamps.
Jay: I think he can get out of there.
Alice: With my fork? Well, good luck to him.
Jay: *slowly becoming normal* Say...you never mentioned why you still deal drugs.
Alice: The car seat in the back makes the cops sympathetic and I want somethin' I can fall back on.
Jay: If something went...........wrong?
*The phone rings, Jay eagerly answers*
Duke Phillips *on the other end* Stacy's Mom, please, I MUST have you back. We can search for the sun. We can feel the sun-
Jay: Is this Duke the dog, mayor of Cormorant?
Duke: No. It's Duke Phillips. Media warlord. Listen, Jay, this actually works out. I need someone to take over Shoot for the Stars for Bill Needle tonight. I figured you'd make a churlish Dr. Katz.
Duke: Ah, one of Johnny LaRue's isolation tank/Playboy party units collapsed, messed people up real good, and they're undocumented. Bill's gotta testify tomorrow.
Jay: Forget it! Bill WON the coin flip. He could have chosen Coming Attractions. Instead he gets to talk to the stars of I'm Picking My Head Up, And Screwing It On Right, And No Guy's Gonna Tell Me That It's Not!
*to Alice, quietly* It's just because it's a bad play right out of Heaven's Gate days. *She is nodding and patting his hand before he's finished, looking into the distance*
Duke: Alright, alright. Then do the sitcom. The reverse Three's Company-
Duke: C'mon, it's a perfect fit! You pretend to be straight-
Jay: I am not gay. *uncomfortably aware Alice is watching*
Duke: -and every episode, someone goes, "what?!" when they catch you being gay.
Duke: Ask your beard, she'll love it! See ya.
Jay *very slowly setting the phone down*
Alice: I didn't know Duke ignored you like that. *sighs and looks down at the floor, head in hands*
Jay: Oh, c'mon, Alice. Doesn't the Bible say-
Alice: That being a homosexual is disgustin'? Yeah. Did Jesus? No. You're lucky I only give credence to Christ's words, especially when I feel in every bone the truth of yours.... And that he doesn't give nothin' to bein, ' gay!
Jay: Now wait a - wait, he doesn't?
Alice: Not one bit. Jesus had bigger things on his mind. But he understood it was important to the women followin' him.
Jay: But I thought the New Testament was nice and squeaky clean? Like a... Euro Disney.
Alice: You're thinkin' of all the assholes tryin' to piggyback on to him.
Jay: In the Bible? Because we kinda share part of the Bible.
Alice: Yup. Christ never gave the laziest damn if you're gay or straight. And I doubt your Talmud would say different.
Jay: Wow. You know the Talmud exists? Really? Because that sounds way too cool for the Bible.
Alice: Oh, *really*. You have some snarled ideas about people in my hometown, Jay. Which is why I want to know why you're charmin' me even when you're lookin' out for yourself!
Jay: *totally baring himself* I'm not gay, Alice. And I'm...I'm not straight either. I'm a bisexual man, and that's why I can ... very much long for you and still long for other men. Because it's true, I prefer other men. But something about the right woman, about *you*...it doesn't change my taste for men, but it speaks to a...forbidden kind of taste for you. But it's not forbidden because it's bad. It's because it kind of scares me a little.
Alice: Absolutely. And that's why you and I are going to watch every one of these films. Together.
Jay: Uh. Alice? That's gonna take a while, because you have...*low whistle*
Alice: Which is why i'm gonna put Penny down for the night and YOU are gonna find us a blanket and popcorn.
Jay: But. ...Two Brothers?
Alice: Oops. That one's mine.
Jay: Aren't they ...uh...incestuous?
Alice: Not in my head. That film's crazier'n Twin Peaks. Look, it's gonna be a long, hard night for both of us....but hey!!! We're gonna feel every bit of it together. Jay. Hon...look at me. This is gonna be the toughest night of our lives together, okay? But i'm gonna be right here with you.
Jay: Wow...you're gonna lead me out of the closet by yourself!
Alice: And maybe that will teach you not to act "normal" around an honest lady in love with you! *winks and kisses his nose* Now don't start it yet! Popcorn.
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