Eilisha Kayla

[belleilisha]

My Lowest Point (not PMS)

I think I am at my lowest point right now. It’s finals season in ALS and I am so stressed not only about how I will study and review the loooong coverages of my courses, but also because of certain realizations. I am not sure if this is quarter-life crisis waving but I am sure that I don’t like it. So, going through the different aspects of life:

1. Physical At this point, I think this is the greatest source of my stress. I have always been insecure about how I look like, how I’m overweight and generally labelled as “fat” since I can remember. I managed to lose weight last year. Law school happened and I resorted to stress eating, which I am not proud of and would not recommend. I gained all of the weight back. At this moment, I am at my heaviest at around 70-71 kgs and I’m 5′0! I’m not sure if that’s obese already, I’m pretty sure it is. It is alarming for me because it affects different aspects of my life now. My self-esteem decreased. I don’t like to have my photos taken nor be with people because I am afraid they will judge me. I am not happy with what I see in the mirror. I am not happy of how it makes me feel. Everyday, I feel sad knowing that I am not healthy. I feel sad that I can’t wear the clothes that I want. Frankly, I feel sad because I’m afraid my boyfriend will realize that her girlfriend is not that attractive. Most importantly, I feel sad because all I have is regrets eating a lot for a past year with lots of guilt but I still carried on without regard to caring for myself. All I can do now is to make up for the weight that I gained, lose it all again and build a healthier lifestyle (but not soon because it’s finals huhu I have to study and sacrifice sleep for studying).

2. Spiritual/Moral I used to be very spiritual and living up to the word of God. Now, I feel like I have grown apart from Him. I forget to pray and talk to him everyday and I feel that I am not expressing my gratitude over the blessings that I receive. I am not at peace with my life and I know that strengthening my relationship with Him can heal it. I have to work on this more (Later na again, I study first lol)

3. Mental 4. Career/Studies 5. Social

[belleilisha]

It’s been a while since I posted - about a year or so I guess? Update, the guy I was referring to on my previous posts is the guy God gave me. We are in a relationship now and I could not be happier. I hope (and kinda know) this will last. I just love him so much and I’m excited for the coming years with him.

[belleilisha]

Do you ever have that feeling, when you miss talking and hanging out with someone but you can’t do anything about it. At first, I didn’t really believe that it is possible. I’ve always believed that if you miss them, then tell them. But now, I find myself hesitating if I should message the person because of fear that he’ll be annoyed or distracted from what he’s doing (which is much more important than me). Maybe it’s just me. I hate waiting. I hate being attached.

[belleilisha]

Tbh hay yung di pa ready, bwisit supportive pa na umuna me ?????????

[belleilisha]

Why would I feel bad now? I mean? I don’t owe him anything. Yes, I do have feelings for him but there are mixed signals all over the place. I can’t blame myself or he can’t blame me for assuming we’re just friends. It’s my way of protecting my heart from possible heartbreak.

[belleilisha]

From butterflies in my stomach to please leave me alone feels. I’m so tired of feeling that I’m competing. If you’re not over your ex, please leave me alone. My heart’s fragile.

[belleilisha]

Take a few minutes and chat me pls hahahahaha uuuughhhh okay i’m attached (but not marupok, I’m not gonna text you. HA!)

[belleilisha]

Oh, Lord, you’re quick on that. Thank you. It’s noted and understood. 

Self, baket ka pa kasi nagtanong hahahaha alam mo, ikaw, asdfghjkl

[belleilisha]

Butterflies visited my stomach again this past week. Exciting? If you ask my past self, of course I am! My 23-year old self disagrees however. It’s fear and happiness mixed in one emotion. It’s the work of the heart and not the brain. Irrational decisions are to be made if I let my heart take the wheel.

You are the secret crush that I’ve been keeping to myself for the past year. I have not told anyone about you except for my best friend. It’s not so nice to have feelings for someone who’s taken. I must admit though, you are not exactly my type of a guy but boy, you’re on a different level, and it’s better than my type. Last week, you asked something, we exchanged our hi’s, hello’s, how are you’s after months of not talking. You told me you’re single. When you told me that, I didn’t know what to feel, but one thing’s for sure, I was not happy hearing that. To get one’s heart broken is the worst part of being in love. You told me you’re okay. I would like to believe it but a part of me says no.

It’s been a week now with our chatbox full of laughter, personal stories which we didn’t get to share when we were at work, and staying up until late at night talking. Taking up law while working in a very demanding industry is a very challenging thing to do and I’m amazed by your dedication. I think it’s one of the things that makes you attractive. I hope you know that I appreciate every reply, question, and conversation that we have to show that you’re also interested in my life and stories. Your time’s precious and I don’t even know how you manage everything that’s on your plate. So I appreciate every bit of time and effort you put into our conversations. Cue: Taylor Swift’s songs lol

To be honest, I don’t know what I am doing. It’s just “I” because I can’t assume you’re on the same page as I am. I don’t know if you know what you’re doing too. I’m tired of jumping into conclusions and then getting my heart broken and rejected. I’ve had a couple of those and I’ve learned, I’ll never be the first one to fall again. I’m protecting my heart. Right now, while I am admittedly smitten by you and acknowledging that the things you say to me put butterflies into my stomach, I will just enjoy this moment of us being good friends and getting to know each other. I don’t know where this is going or if this is even going anywhere. I don’t know if a week of talking will continue into weeks, months, years. Who knows? I’m tired of being the simp and chase people because I know that the right people will come into my life naturally. I feel like if I get my hopes up now, in any minute, it’s going to crash on the floor and be shattered into pieces like how a clumsy person drops a glass. I don’t like to be careless. I’m confused now too, at times you have this vibrant personality when you’re talking to me but at times, it’s just fading. I don’t know, perhaps you’re just busy? Or it’s also possible that you’re tired of talking to me. Or maybe.... there are a lot of thoughts going on in my head when this is happening. I consider this mixed signals though. We all know that felt mixed signals is not appealing  So I’m just reminding myself to be extra careful and mind what I feel. At the end of the day, the friendship you’ve given me is already enough.

[belleilisha]

My happiness.

These past few days, I had a rollercoaster of emotions that I cannot explain. We have been in lockdown for quite a while now and there are a lot of thoughts and realizations which struck me. One of the most important realizations that I had (which I think is relevant to share for my single readers out there) is that I love being alone, single, and being able to focus on my own well-being. Do not get me wrong, I would like to have a partner, build a family, and live the best of our lives someday and  in the far future. It’s just that I have great appreciation for my state right now, this is the first time that I felt contented and genuinely happy with my own company, which I’ve only known by theory.

I’ll be stating the reasons why this is so. So, unless you’re a patient reader who tolerates lengthy reflections like this, you can scroll down. Hehe. First and foremost, I have assurance that everything will always fall into place, shoutout to my God for that. I thank Him the most for unconditionally loving me, being faithful to His children, and making promises that He always keeps. He is the source of all love, including the love that I have been giving myself recently. This right here is the anchor to my sanity, considering the various bad news and unpleasant circumstances that our society had been facing nowadays. Secondly, the quarantine created distances between me and the important people in my life, family and friends, but ironically, these distances brought us closer, thanks to technology. These people unknowingly made me realize that I am loved and appreciated. Why should I be looking for romantic love when I have gotten all the love that I need from them? By putting efforts like taking the time to ask how I am doing, to ask if I can hang with them (ofcourse with safety precautions) so we can see each other, or even by merely existing in my life, I know that I am cared for.  Through them, I now know that in reality, I am not missing out in life even though I am not involved in any romantic relationship. Just a disclaimer, this is not romanticizing the pandemic or the quarantine. There is no room for appreciation for the Philippine government’s response to this crisis in me. I think that they could have handled it better through employing smart strategies. Okay, going back, thirdly and lastly, I am learning to genuinely love myself. I have learned to accept my flaws because these so-called flaws are part of being human, they are normal. I am changing the unhealthy lifestyle that I was used to for my future and my future family so I can take care of them for a very long time. I am slowly falling in love with health and fitness, although there are some rough edges. It is fun to enjoy a nice burger and an ice cream every once in a while. Generally, I love it (health and fitness, not the junk foods lol) because it makes me feel that I am truly taking care of myself for once. Back then, as an accountancy student, I barely had time to prepare and eat healthy food so I would resort to fast food and whatever it is on the table as long as it’s delicious and easy to eat, not minding the nutrients that I was getting. In my almost six years of studying accounting, I could count with my fingers the exercise sessions that I had. To cut it short, I had normalized being unhealthy as I look back. Discipline really challenged me this time. I appreciate myself for taking this step and so far, I am proud to say that I am doing good.

Still in this journey, I admit that I still have a long way to go. I am a work in progress and I will forever be. Although that, I am certain that I am intrinsically loving where I am right now and I pray that I stay in this state more frequently. I love myself and I am genuinely happy and appreciative of everything in my life. Yes, I am alone and single but never lonely.

PS. Hello future husband if you’re reading this! Know that everything I do in this season is for our family! Can’t wait to meet and marry you later (Not sooner please, haha I’ve got a lot of things I wanna do as a single person and btw, it feels weird typing this. I’m a 23-year old girl as of this writing haha I ain’t ready for marriage, let alone for a family of my own lol, but I’m serious haha)! 

[belleilisha]

Tinatamad na ko magreply/magtype!!! Can we just resume talking after the pandemic... without phones? HAHAHA :(

[belleilisha]

Bodyshamers really have the audacity to shame other people while their flaws are more visible than the ones they’re shaming. I’m so tired of dealing with these people all my life. When do they understand that their opinions don’t matter?

[belleilisha]

Nine Why’s

1. Why haven’t I been found by my life partner or found the one destined by God for me at age 23?

2. Why do I still feel lost with no clear direction in life even though it seems like I have my life together from the outside?

3. Why haven’t I achieved anything other than conforming with what’s expected from me aka the norm?

4. Why am I still not confident in my own skin, still insecure of my body and has low self-esteem?

5. Why do I always find myself in an unrequited relationship (for me or against me)?

6. Why am I often attracted to Western-looking guys (girl, just why, it’s not like they’re going to be Zac Efron at any moment)?

7. My dream job is to travel and feature for a living. Why am not doing anything to make this happen?

8. Why am I so afraid of risks?

9. Why am I so hard on myself?

[infpisme]

[thegoodvybe]

[belleilisha]

Maybe at the back of my mind, there was this hopeful girl who wishes\d a chance between us two. Why is it so difficult to like someone like you? It’s been years and everytime I hear your name, there’s a mixture of happiness and pain in my eyes. When I told you how I felt, it’s true that I didn’t expect anything in return from you but I guess rejection has its own way of hurting people. I can’t blame you for not wanting me back and I understand that you just don’t want to give false hopes, but it still tingled in my heart.

Everytime I try to get over you, I fail. Perhaps it’s because of that hopeful girl. This time, I promise it will be different. I knew your thoughts and I swear the pain you brought will get me to something, to a better me and a focus of what and who I want. I’ll shed no tear from now on. I’m strong and I need to show you that. I’ll move on. I’ll let go of all these feelings that I kept for almost 4 years.

Lastly, thank you for breaking my heart. It was the first time it got wounded. I’ll be the one to mend it. Don’t worry. From now on, I’ll keep it secured. I’ve learned so much. You made me realize my worth as a person and what I do and don’t deserve. This is an unforgettable phase that actually left a scar. I hope you find someone in the future whom you’ll also love. I guess this is goodbye.

[multa--paucis]

Some nights I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. I can’t stand to pick up my phone knowing your name isn’t going to be on the screen. I’m trapped in these thoughts of you and me, buried in the memories that seem like they’re from another lifetime.