At times, when I can't sleep I write things out... the following is result of that. [written out Aug. 28th.]
Every so often, when I need things to be put into perspective, I think back at the things I’ve done, yet never thought I’d do.
Things that never crossed my mind. Things that I think don’t often cross one’s mind.
Things that I had to learn how to do fast, succeed, and figure out any problems on the spot and at times, by myself.
I never thought I'd have to learn the ratio of Thick-It (a thickening powder) to any liquid. Or that I'd become a pro at cooking soft boiled eggs. The assembling and disassembling of daily of items that were a necessity. Becoming comfortable with adult diapers and bed liners.
Learning how to use a hospital bed and oxygen tank. Mastering the scary and delicateness of a feeding tube.
The early mornings, exhausted nights, and the half asleep walks to and from the room next door when something was needed.
Taking one's blood pressure or getting their oxygen level count would become second nature and could be done ever so quickly and properly. Learning how to anchor yourself to be able to have them lean on you with most, if not all their body weight just to get them in and out of the chair/shower/bed.
To be able to bathe, dress, feed, and have them set for their day before any speech therapy appointments, or physical therapist drop-ins. Memorizing pills, ointments, cords to oxygen tanks, feeding tubes, bandages.
Knowing what an open wound looks like when it's bad and when it's "not as bad as before."
Knowing sweaters and blankets had to be on hand throughout the day despite it being Summer and a scorching 99 degrees outside.
Becoming amazing at creating mental lists of things needed for any type of outing.
That all and so much more I know I am forgetting became second nature and routine it. It had to be almost as smooth as a well oiled machine especially with me still in school. ( I say almost because what is always perfect?)
The amount of sleep I/we had to learn how to run on was unbelievable.
How I was able to juggle that all, I swear, only God himself knows. But the point is I did.
Obviously there have been other things aside from that that I’ve had to tackle as well. Whatever they might have been, they got done, and I made it ready to tackle something else and of course, live life.
Though it’s thought of every now and then, of how those years of care taking took a good deal of sacrifice, more sacrifice than anything else I’ve done, and the things I have had to quickly make up for, I wouldn't think twice about doing it again. The personal sacrifice I don’t speak of. Two maybe three friends at the most know. The things I had to put on hold that I am now doing makes accomplishing them taste so much sweeter though. I always just sum it all up as part of being a caretaker. I don’t go into the nitty gritty details. Maybe partly because I get a little sad reliving it all in some strange fast-forward rewind in my head, or because I don’t want any praise. I feel like I was giving back to them a tiny fraction of what they gave to my mom, my brothers, and I without any hesitation.
I remind myself when going through a difficult time, if I could do all that, I can handle any other situations that come my way.
I am one who should not be doubted. When I am determined, I am just that, determined.
I am willing to to tackle things head on and find the best in that particular situation.
So you shouldn't doubt me. You shouldn't doubt the woman I am and what has helped me to become her.Â
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