currently working on: I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (Ticci Toby x FTM!Reader)
𣲠some simplified info about me and my page can be found at https://bendrowning.straw.page/ !!
more info below the keep reading line!!
HELLO! i'm grim / toby (either works). i use he/they!!
this page is gonna be used for fanfics i write for the most part! i might post some art (if i ever get motivation...), but that might not even happen LOLLL
i'll be primarily writing ticci toby, however there May be a couple different creepypasta sneaks every now and again!
i'm forever and always open for requests! my ask box + my strawpage are always open!! i just can't promise i'll get to it fast, haha.
i'm no rainrot when it comes to writing, so i'm always open to constructive criticism in my ask box / strawpage!! can't get better without knowing what's wrong, now can you?
i may go through bursts of reblogging posts. but i'll always tag #grimsfics on my posted fanfics !!
pssst!! if you ever want to be tagged in any new chapters for a fic of mine, make sure you either comment here / on the fic !! you're never a bother :3
MASTERLIST:
I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (ticci toby x FTM!reader) - prologue || chapter one || chapter two || bonus chapter || (TBC)
disclaimer: i tend to get bursts of motivation, so consistency is not guaranteed!
WORKING ANOTHER DOUBLE. PUT ME DOOOWWWWWNNNNNNNNđđđđđ i promise i'm working on it i swear don't burn me at the stake... burn my BOSS at the stakeâšď¸âšď¸âšď¸
I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (Ticci Toby x FTM!Reader)
BONUS CHAPTER - Itâs So Rare, Itâs So Rare That Somebodyâd Look Out For You
I didn't get time to story build and write today due to working a double at my job, so while I've been at work(still here.. save me <//3) I decided to write a little something something for all of you guys!! I hope it'll make up for me possibly not being able to get a chapter out tonight.. BLAME MY BOSS NOT ME OKAY!!!!
1.4k words
link to the last chapter !!
next chapter is a wip <3
Summary: Your parents both got new jobs in a different city, so they had no choice but to move away from where you'd grown up. Being in 3rd grade, it felt as though your world was ending. You were beyond angry, seeing as they were pulling you away from all you'd ever known. Your anger strung all the way to your first day at school. Upset and angry as you were, a "joke" from a classmate caught your attention. Were they bullying him?
(not a continuation of the last chapter, rather a little snippet of the reader and toby's first meeting!!!)
After moving to this brand new place, you felt nothing but resentment towards your parents. No matter how hard your parents tried to make you enjoy the brand new start, you were beyond mad. At them, at your situation, at their new jobs⌠You felt nothing but anger at the whole world.
Using the word missing about your friends back in your own city wasnât even a good enough word. Youâd have done anything to go back and see them just one more time, seeing as you hadnât had the chance to say goodbye to some of your best friends.
You werenât exactly a popular kid, but you sure as hell werenât hated. Most people knew of your existence; they just didnât feel the need to befriend you. You were more than fine with that- you had a few good friends, and they were all you needed. Your mother had taught you that.
So when your parents sprang on you that youâd be moving in just three weeks, you couldnât even face them for nearly the entire time period. Packing was awful, seeing as your parents withdrew you from school just a week later.
Theyâd tell you it was so you could go to places you loved one more time to have fun one last time before leaving. Nothing made your blood boil more than going to said places, your friends should have been there, too. School days exist, however, so you couldnât go to the places with them.
Instead, you went with your parents. Theyâd do their best to make you smile, to make you laugh along with their laughter. It hadnât worked, though. You just wanted to keep the life you had. You wanted to stay in your city, stay with your friends, with your teacher, with the fun activities there were to do.
ââ㝠⌠ăťââ
Before you knew it, moving day came. It came so much quicker quicker than you couldâve ever wanted. Everything you were bringing was packed into two different moving vehicles, your parents had donated everything you werenât planning on bringing, all of it.
After making the hard choice of going with your father on the way to your new house, you sat sulking in the passenger seat. You watched out the window as houses flew by and trees near blurred together.
The greenery slowly faded out as the drive continued. There were buildings where you felt nature should have been- it made you feel even more angry. Why did people have to destroy nature for the sake of more stupid houses or even more stupid buildings?
Your father had continuously tried to start conversations with you, but you completely ignored him. You had no plans to speak to him ever again. The two of them were stripping you of all you knew, and you were supposed to feel happy? You could almost laugh at the absurdity.
As the sky grew darker and the car lights to your left slowly seemed to hurt your eyes more, you grew rather tired. You knew that you started your new school in two days, and you were absolutely dreading it. You were about a quarter through 3rd grade when you were withdrawn, so you knew deep down that making friends wouldnât be easy.Â
From word of mouth, youâd heard that being the new kid means making friends is a billion times harder. That statement alone made your stomach churn⌠Just what were you meant to do?Â
You were always one to avoid unnecessary social interaction, but having friends made school a lot less boring. Having someone to partner up with for group projects, having a reading buddy, having a fun time during science projects⌠it all depended on who you were friends with. It depended even more on how many good friends you had.Â
As your eyes began to droop and your thoughts slowed, you decided that youâd escape the moment by getting some rest. Hopefully your fatherâs gonna carry you into the new houseâŚ
ââ㝠⌠ăťââ
Your first day at your new school came quicker than youâd expected. New faces surrounded you once youâd gotten to school and you hated it. You nearly cried multiple times just in the car ride there, so you shed a few as you walked into the building.Â
Even though you knew your anger was painted all over your expression, filling up your body language, you couldnât care any less. You wanted to go home. Not to your new house, you wanted to go home. Home to your old house, home to your now past friends, home to your street and home to your neighbors.Â
As you were pointed in the direction to your new classroom, you couldnât help but feel beyond irritable. You ignored people trying to speak to you, ignored their laughter, and especially ignored the way your peers were trying to pull you in on their stupid jokes. Though, one âjokeâ caught your attentionâŚ
âLook, new kid! There he goes again! Ticci Toby, Ticci Toby!!â
You shifted your gaze from your lap to the kid whoâd been trying to speak to you. There, you saw him and a few people surrounding some boy who looked distressed as can be. Your eyebrow raised as you tried to get a better look at the boy, only to see him twitching and mumbling to himself.Â
As you became even more confused, you realized they were bullying him. They were poking him with pencils, laughing at him as he tried to push them away. Though, he didnât seem to be reacting to the pain. More so the action itself.
You stood up swiftly, looking at the people surrounding him with the best intimidating glare you could muster. The anger youâd been feeling only served to make you look more mean.
âHey! Meanies! Leave that poor boy alone! Whatâs the matter with you guys, anyways?â
The kids were stunned as they turned in your direction, the bullied boy included.
âWeâre just playing around, jeezâŚâ one of them said in an annoyed tone.
âIs it really playing around if youâre upsetting him?!â you yelled, taking a few steps towards them.
A couple of the kids backed up, one of them bumping into a desk. As the desk scraped against the hard floor, your gaze only sharpened towards them. They all looked at you as if you were insane for standing up to their rude behavior, as if you were some alien creature that came down from Mars.
âLeave him alone already!â you yell louder, subsequently pulling the teacherâs attention.
After she finished walking towards you, she looked between all the people involved before she sighs, a hand going up to pinch her nose bridge.
âLook, I understand that youâre new here, but trying to intimidate your classmates isnât-â
âIT WAS DESERVED!â You interrupt, your facial features regaining the previous anger youâd had painted across them before.
It was now your teacherâs turn to look at you as if you were crazy. You couldnât help but wonder to yourself if it was normal for kids to bully other people at this school.
After a few seconds of silence over the whole room, you realized that all eyes were on you. Everyone was staring directly at you. You needed to explain your outburst, that way she wouldnât call your parents.
âThey were bullying him! They were calling him âTicci Tobyâ and poking him with pencils! You canât seriously think me standing up for him is a bad thing, can you?!"
Silence strung out once again before your teacher sighs and looks at the kids who were previously poking fun at him.
âI donât want to hear another word about you boys bullying Tobias, you hear me?â she lectured.
They nodded, one of them giving you an angry glare before they all went to the back of the room. Youâd assumed they went to one of their seats.
Looking over to the boy, his gaze seemed to be filled with amazement. Though, it was quickly replaced with a second of shock as he seemed to realize heâd been staring.
âOH! Sorry, u-um⌠Iâm Toby! Tobias, if you like! Please⌠please donât call me Ticci TobyâŚâ
Shifting from a confused gaze to a wide smile, you nod.
"Wasn't planning on it, Toby. Don't worry!"
You told him your name, to which he seemed to become overjoyed as he nodded vigorously.
Seems youâve already made a good friend. You really hoped it would lastâŚ
I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (Ticci Toby x FTM!Reader)
CHAPTER TWO - I Won't Forget How You Looked at Me Then
link to the previous chapter !!
link to a bonus chapter !!
next chapter is a wip <3
1.6k words
Summary: Toby is assigned a mission on his birthday. Somebody had gone too far in the forest, subsequently getting too close to the place they were living in. It was nothing he hadn't done before. He knew Slenderman wanted them gone as quickly as possible, so the pressure didn't really stick to him. Though, upon reading the papers and getting a closer look in person, is that who he thinks it is...?
As Toby lay still in his bed, he stared up at the ceiling with an empty expression. His mind was racing. Today was his birthday. He was unsure how he was able to remember with all the other bullshit on his mind, but it was weighing heavy on his consciousness.
Heâd promised his childhood lover heâd meet up with them in a specific clearing in this forest today. However, thatâs all he remembered. Any sort of specified time alluded him completely. If there even was oneâŚ
Words couldnât describe how bad he missed them. They were the only person heâd grown up with besides his mom and Lyra who seemed to genuinely care for him. Even through his forgetfulness, he knew heâd never forget them. Even if he couldnât remember their name, he still felt attached to the memories.Â
Picking up journaling was one of the best choices heâd ever made. Heâd write down everything he would remember about them, making damn sure that theyâd stay near and dear in his heart.
Remembering the days the two of them spent cozying up in his loverâs bed always brought him comfort. Sometimes they would have some video play on one of their phones, other times they would sit and enjoy each other's company. Even just the sound of them breathing was enough to make Toby feel safe, but his whole life changed the day he murdered his deadbeat father.
His dad deserved it, there was not a single doubt in Tobyâs mind. Nothing his dad had done ever made Toby feel safe or protected. Even if he couldnât feel physical pain, he felt mental agony through all of that.
The only thing that kept him afloat before it all went down was them. Nobody else made him feel okay, not after Lyra passed. They were the only one to make Toby feel loved after she died. Nothing made him happier than cuddling with them under the sheets, clinging onto one another as if it were their last day on earth...
In the year Toby had been under Slenderman as a proxy, heâd gotten very used to the bloodshed heâd gash out of people. Whoever Slenderman wanted dead was a goner, whether it be from his hatchet or from his peers.
Toby swiftly snapped out of his thoughts upon a loud knock at his door. Shooting up, he called out a quick âWho is it?â before the door pushed open listlessly. There stood Kate, looking at him with her usual unbothered gaze.âYou have a solo mission to do.â
She approached him, handing him a clipboard with papers filled with details on said mission. Toby mumbled something in an annoyed tone before he basically snatched the clipboard from her hand and began reading.
As he read, his eyes darkened. Slenderman has asked for him specifically to go find a specific person whoâd wandered into the forest. According to him, they had gotten far too close to the place they were staying. However, the description of the person made his head spin. He was so confused, why did the description make his head spin?
His body began to twitch and tic as memories ran through his head. Everything he remembered about their appearance matched the words in front of him.
As his eyes shot all around the paper, a metallic taste in his mouth caught his attention. He had been gnawing on his cheek again, having accidentally pulled flesh away from the slight gash there that led through to some of his teeth.
âSurely i-it isnât themâŚâ he mumbled to himself.
The fear that began to eat away at him was quickly spooked out of him when a hand came into view, snapping mere inches from his face.
âUm? Toby, are you even listening??" Kate questions, her tone crawling with confusion.
Swearing at himself for forgetting she was standing right at his bedside, he gave a left leaning nod to Kate to signal her to step a bit to her right. She obliged quite quickly, which was to be expected with Kate.
Standing up, he gave one quick glance in Kateâs direction before turning his back to her, walking across his moderately sized room towards the gear that was strung around one of the corners.
âOh- thatâs right.â she starts, âHappy birthday, Toby.â
He stops dead in his tracks. Tears sting his eyes only for a moment before he squeezes his eyes shut tight.âOh, is that today? I guess Iâd f-forgottenâŚâ
That was that. Kate made her way out of Tobyâs room, not thinking to say another word to him.
Yet again, it made him think of them. The birthday parties their parents threw for Toby, the overwhelming amount of gifts, the decor that was always themed around his interests at the time, all of it.
Sure, he was 21 now, but he wished so hard he could go back to being a kid. Being a kid with them. Oh, how he yearned for it like nothing before.
Thinking about the fact that heâd run away midway through being 19 made his brain feel fuzzy.
Though, he simply shook his head, ignoring the neck cracking tic that followed. Grabbing his gear, he got a random memory of the way his lover would always do a mental checklist before leaving somewhere. Going to a hangout, going to school, leaving a hangout, walking home from Tobyâs house, anything. It was one of what felt like a million things that he loved about them. They were so charming, even in memory.
He decided that it couldnât hurt to do one of his own.
He had his mouth guard, goggles, hatchet, hoodie, and his beat up flip phone. Yeah, he had everything.
Rolling his eyes at what heâd just done, he approaches his bedroom door, quietly mumbling to himself once again.
âPlease donât let this be themâŚâ
-ËËâââââ
The walk there was much needed. He hadnât gone on a mission in a couple days, so his legs felt cramped up from the inactivity. It wasnât until he got closer and closer to the supposed spot that he felt his heart stop.
He was headed directly for the spot theyâd promised to meet at all that time ago. He knew what would happen if he were to disobey Slendermanâs orders. All the pressure only served to make him dizzy.
Once the person was in view, he shifted behind a tree, going from tree to tree to get closer. However, the closer he got, the more panic sunk in.
That was them. That was his lover in the flesh. He tried to steady himself, desperately clinging onto whatever had helped him keep his hands from shaking on past missions, but it was all to no avail.
Just what in the world was he meant to do? He couldnât kill them, but he knows whatâll happen if he lets them go. Or worse, if he gets spotted and they escape.
No. No, no and no. He canât do this. But, then again⌠itâs either their head or his. What should he do? What did the world expect from him? What was the correct course of action? If he were to approach them, speak to them again⌠would they even care to hear his explanation? Would they give him the time of day, or would they run in the opposite direction?
Sure, they were in the clearing theyâd claimed as their âlove spotâ back in middle school⌠on the day that theyâd promised to meet at⌠with what seemed to be a picnic set up around them⌠but surely they werenât here for him, right? There was just no wayâŚ
Before he knew it, he was taking steps towards them. As his legs kicked through bramble, he got closer and closer, taking in their features one at a time. The closer he got, the more his goggles ever so slightly fogged up from his heated face. It wasnât until their head whipped in his direction did he realize heâd taken it too far- gotten way too close.
âWh⌠Toby? Toby, is that you?â
He should have ran. Should have turned the other direction and ran far far away. Away from them, away from Slenderman, away from everything.
And yet, he found himself taking further steps towards them as he spoke up.
âY-yeah, i-itâs⌠Itâs me! You r-r-remember me, rightâŚ?â
His voice trembled and cracked as he spoke, his shaky tone seeming to make them anxious. He couldnât put a finger on their silence until he remembered all the gear he had on him. Ignoring his mouth guard, goggles, and his bloodstained hoodie, he was carrying around an even more bloodstained hatchetâŚ
His mind went blank once he noticed the fear in their eyes as they ever so slightly scooted back. Upon seeing it, he rushed to pull off the items covering up his face. He didnât care what Slenderman did to him at this point, they were here! In front of him! He couldnât let this opportunity slip, couldnât let them get awayâŚ
Once his face was uncovered, he looked at them with begging eyes, hoping as hard as he could that they remembered him. More specifically, that they remembered his appearance. His face.
He took another step forward, then another. However, before he could get a single other word out, they shot up.
âOh my god⌠TOBY!â they called out, taking quick steps in his direction once they were stable on their feet.
Toby was the one to take a step back now. Though, they quickly caught up with him.
Instead of some kind of violent reaction like he had been expecting, he had arms swing around him instead, pulling him close to their chest.
He expected a lecture, but was instead met with that same love heâd been missing for all this time. All the fear they had felt had vanished, as had his. There was nothing Toby missed more than this.
I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (Ticci Toby x FTM!Reader)
CHAPTER ONE - Would You Give Up Easy and Find Me In the Dirt
link to the prologue !!
link to the next chapter !!
1.4 k words
Summary: You've woken up a bit later in the day, having previously passed out from exhaustion. Upon checking your phone, you saw that you still had time before noon. At first, you were strict on not going. However, that was short lived. You'd decided to have a picnic in the spot you'd promised to meet him on his birthday all that time ago, that way you'd keep your promise and be happy while doing it. Hopefully. After driving your car to the forest, anxiously walking to the clearing and then setting up your picnic, you heard anxious and slow footsteps approach you. Who is that...?
As your eyes tiredly blinked open, crusty and achy from the tears that fell, your tired eyes looked around a bit before you spotted your window. You immediately noticed light pouring through your closed blinds. You blinked a few times before the earlier breakdown steadily came back to you. You were still in his hoodie, curled up towards the right edge of your bed. Your arms were wrapped around a pillow with your legs huddled up to your chest.
Your memory seemed to blur and mix together after you found his hoodie. You reach for your phone, but pause upon grabbing it. It wasnât past noon, right?
You took a deep breath as you pulled the phone towards you, the brightness making you wince once more. Reading the time, you let out a sigh of relief. When did you start to hold your breath�
The clock on your phone read 9:27am, so you still had a lot of time before you left to go to the forest.
Wait, what were you thinking? You really shouldnât go, considering itâs decently far into the forest and Toby⌠Toby was most definitely dead.
The thought alone made your heart wish it would stop. Memories of your mother coming home from work early to tell you what had happened. Memories of the pain in her voice and her on edge body language and how you knew full well from the moment you saw her and heard the heartache in her voice that something terrible had happened.
Tears started to stream down your face yet again as a throbbing headache formed towards the front of your head. You squished your eyes shut, whining softly. Youâve been crying too much, it seemedâŚ
-ËËâââââ
Before you knew it, youâd made the decision to go. A walk in the forest would most likely do you good, after all. Plus, you wanted to have a picnic date with yourself. Youâd play some soft music, lay against a soft picnic blanket covering a patch of grass, and reminisce on all the happy memories. Maybe some more tears will fall, but you were hoping theyâd be less sad and more bittersweet.
Getting dressed was absurdly difficult. You went back and forth with yourself on whether or not you should wear something masculine, feminine, or something thatâs just plain and simple. The thought kept creeping back into your head.
âWhat if he shows up? What if he doesnât recognize me?â
You always found comfort in your hair length. Toby's always loved your hair, no matter the length. Every time you changed it even a little he would always compliment the change. You smiled fondly at that before tears began to form.
Shaking your head, you did your best to focus on the task at hand. You decided on a feminine outfit for today. Something that was akin to what youâd worn in high school. You knew it was stupid as hell, but a part of you was hoping and begging something, anything up there to let him show up and recognize you.
After getting changed, you finished preparing a snack to bring with you. Youâd packed it in some random sushi themed bento box your parents owned. They never use it, so you assumed itâd be fine. The menu this time around was cut up fruit, about ½ cup of cubed cheese, a roll of crackers, and some pepperoni. It was one of Tobyâs favorite snack combinations, and yet it was one you never agreed on trying. First time for everythingâŚ
Walking over to the fridge one more time, you pulled out a couple water bottles to bring with you. âIf heâs there, heâd probably want some waterâŚâ It felt stupid, but in the one in a million chance he was alive all this time later⌠he most definitely would want one. So, you pulled them both out, having made sure to gently put the bento box into your bag. The water bottles went on top, and soon enough you were all done.
-ËËâââââ
You couldnât believe you were doing this. Stepping out of your house and locking the door behind you, you rested your forehead against the door for a moment. In what world was this logical? You were acting completely in emotion mind. You knew wise mind would make your life easier, especially now, but you just couldnât seem to stop your feet from turning you around and having you approach your car.
You knew youâd surely get an earful from those who care about you, but you needed some kind of closure. You knew deep down that he wouldnât show, but it would be worth it. Youâd be able to be alone with your thoughts in an environment that made you feel happy.
Well, you were hoping it would make you happy.
As you checked your phone to see if your parents texted (they didnât), you looked up at your phone's clock. It was 11:03am, and considering that the forest was about forty five minutes away, youâd best hurry.
As you rushed into your car, you slung your bag into the passenger seat and gently closed the car door. You did a quick mental checklistâŚ
You had your phone, your key ring, headphones, snacks, water bottles, a fully charged portable charger, your shitty laptop, the picnic blanket⌠everything! You nod to yourself at your rare competence and use the key to start your car. You were thankful both of your parents worked, seeing as you knew the lecture youâd receive for even dreaming of doing this had they been home.
-ËËâââââ
The drive there started out smooth. Little to no traffic, especially considering the small town your parents had moved you to. Moving in your third grade year was awful, especially considering the last town you lived in was much different to this one. The other one was severely overpopulated, meanwhile this one felt as though there was no one whoâd accept you. Everyone here was awful.
You frowned, doing your very best to pay attention to the road. Though, your mind slowly began to wander away. Snapping yourself back from zoning out felt harder and harder. Though, with the lack of cars, you made it to the forest safely. No accidents this time, thank goodness.
-ËËâââââ
The walk to the spot youâd made the promise at felt grueling. The closer you got, the more a lingering feeling that you were being watched creeped up your spine. You would continuously look left and right, expecting to see someone or something out in the bramble watching you.
Even through all of that, it never happened. You made it to the spot all in one piece, contrary to your brain's paranoid thinking.
The lush and rather long grass tickled your ankles as you walked through it. The clearing had hardly changed, you even spotted what looked like glitter on the ground. You were positive that it was from some stupid thing the two of you had done while hanging out here, and yet you couldnât place a finger on what it could possibly be.
Though, upon looking closer, you noticed a bench towards the middle of the clearing. It was covered in leaf litter, pollen, and what looked to be red stainage along one side. It sure as hell was not here the last time you two had come here. Youâd last been here a bit before Toby began to lose himself in his hallucinations.
You start to wipe off the leaf litter that covered it, sneezing as the pollen started to abruptly mess with your sinuses as it flew into the air. You sighed, deciding that now would be a good time to set up your picnic.
-ËËâââââ
Setting up was awfully easy. It seemed to you as if doing it on your own was much easier than trying to tag team it with your parents who had no idea what they were doing. But it was just as you had finished up that you heard slow, faint yet clear footsteps in the forest slowly approach you. Your head whips around, but what you saw froze you in place. You stared, not believing what you saw even a smidge.
âWh⌠Toby? Toby, is that you?â
Terms used:
Emotion Mind / Wise Mind / Logic Mind: A DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill taught with the purpose of reminding oneself that combining emotions and logic is much better than one or the other.
Examples would be doing something completely irrational because of emotions with no logic involved(emotion mind), doing something driven purely by beliefs with zero involvement from emotions(logic mind), and using both emotions and logic to navigate something the correct way(wise mind).
I Am Not A Vessel For Your Good Intent (Ticci Toby x FTM!Reader)
PROLOGUE - 'Cause, In the Night, I Know You Burn With Feelings
link to the next chapter!!!
1.5k words
Summary: Last year, Toby had murdered his father with an unknown motive. Seeing as you two had been together since middle school, it left you completely broken. Your whole world had shattered into a million pieces. Grief is a given in this situation, but it's made worse by a promise you'd made him back at the start of middle school, seven months after getting with him. You'd promised him that if one of you, or god forbid both of you, were to move away or something of that sort, you'd meet up in a special spot in the forest on Toby's birthday. It just so happens that today was his birthday and the memories were eating you alive. Should you uphold your promise? If he's dead it won't matter even a little, but what if he's alive...?
Youâd never quite processed the damage heâd left on you until now. As you stared at your far too bright phone screen, inadvertently causing your eyes to strain as the darkness engulfed your peripheral vision, you felt that you could cry. It was Tobyâs birthday today, and you were wondering if making good on your promise would make you feel better.
Years ago, roughly seven months after youâd gotten together with Toby at the start of your middle school years, you had made him a promise. If one of you, or god forbid both of you, were to move away from this city or something of that kind, youâd meet up in the two of youâs favorite spot in that goddamned forest at around noon. That way, he would never have to spend his birthday alone again. Youâd made the promise with a shit eating grin on your face, unbeknownst to what the future held.
Last year, Toby murdered his own father in that awful house. Heâd murdered him and then ran into the forest, seemingly never to be seen or heard from again. Authorities had searched that forest high and low, but never seemed to find him- dead or alive. That open ended ending left you crushed, but nothing left you feeling as hurt as you did right now.
The blankets youâd cuddled up in crinkled and shifted around you as you sat up in your bed. You still lived with your parents, considering the shitty housing prices that dominated your city. Youâd been dreaming of moving to somewhere with better housing prices, but one thing held you back.
The idea that Toby was still alive somewhere in that forest. The ambiguous closing of the case, while having left you severely depressed, had turned you mean. Angry. You refused to accept it, even when it was plastered all over the news channels your parents left on before leaving to work. They claimed they were just leaving it on so your pets werenât in silence prior to you waking up, but in the moment it felt to you as if they were taunting you.Â
Who the hell did they think they were? They knew what you were going through, knew heâd be all over the news, knew full well that there were a bunch of other channels to leave on, and yet they left the news channel running anyways.
At the time, you would always blow up their phone out of pure anger mere moments after going into the living room. Nowadays, youâve started bottling everything up, not even giving them the time of day whenever they made ignorant decisions. Youâd assumed it meant you had healed, but clearly not.
Remembering all of it left you in tears as you curled up into a ball, trembling from both the cold of your room and the weight of your emotions. Your bed was comfy, but the memories of the rainy days youâd spent tangled up in each other did nothing but haunt you. So, you decided to get up.
As late as it was, you knew your therapist would much rather you find a distraction than do something harmful to yourself. Such began your search for said distraction.
Considering it was just about to become six in the morning, your brain refused to shut up about the bakery your parents had taken the two of you to every now and again. It opens at six am, youâll never forget that. There was no possible way to. Remembering the way youâd wake up the following day of a sleepover and BEG your parents to take the two of you to that bakery as soon as the alarm clock on your bedside hit six am made your heart hurt.
You missed being a kid. You missed being a kid with him. You missed the shared laughs, the flirtatious âjokesâ youâd shoot back and forth in your last year of elementary school, you missed the way heâd get so excited to see you after youâd finally gotten together. Heâd act like a puppy, following you around when he could and holding onto you when possible. Sure, the other kids laughed at you two, but nothing could have possibly torn you two apart.
What you didnât miss, though, was his god awful father. Even though heâd pretend to be all sunshine and rainbows in front of you, you heard the horror stories from Toby. You heard the way his father spoke to him, the way his father hit him and his family. You felt nothing but hatred towards him, always thinking to yourself how he was better off dead. You never meant it, though.
You shook your head, trying to calm your mind. You went over what you were told in your head. How you were told that your best bet for now was to avoid things that could cause you to feel hurt all over again.
How were you supposed to fight the thoughts on his birthday, though? How were you meant to push aside the memories like theyâre nothing today?
You slowly moved your legs to hang over your bed, staring at the floor beneath your feet once youâd done so. Your stare was blank, but your mind was racing. You couldnât slow it down, not like this. You looked towards your closet, having one thing in mind to get out.
Two years ago, Toby had bought you an otter plushie for your birthday. You cherished it, bringing it everywhere with you. It was just the right size to hold in your arms without being a nuisance. Itâs what youâd always complain about when it came to stuffed animals, they just never seemed to get the sizing right. Ever.Â
As you stood up, your feet felt glued to the floor. You wanted nothing more than to cuddle up in your bed with it, you wanted to sink into the rabbit hole of memories with him⌠and yet you knew better. You knew how much it would kill you to do that, acknowledging what today was.
And yet, here you were, taking uncertain steps towards your closet. Not just from the darkness that enveloped you, but from the nerves that rattled up your spine. Were you really about to do this? Were you really about to search for that plushie?
âŚ
Yes.Â
Yes you were.
After youâd reached the closet door, you felt around for the knob. The chipped paint on the door scraped up against your fingers, but eventually you found one of the knobs. As you stepped back and pulled the door open, you felt tears sting your eyes. You did your best to shake it off, telling yourself that you needed to face the grief if you ever wanted to get better. It did little to actually help, though.
Your eyes scanned your closet, straining yet again as you tried to find it by your limited vision alone. After it very clearly wasnât working, you began to feel around.Â
However, instead of finding the plushie, you found something that hurt worse.
Pulling it out of the darkness of your closet, you stared hard at the clothing item in your hand. You were trying so hard to convince yourself you were seeing things, that this wasnât what you thought it was. That you were just making things up. Surely the darkness was just playing tricks on you, right?
However, upon stumbling back to your bed, you gently laid the hoodie on your bed and grabbed your phone. As you turned on your phoneâs flashlight, wincing a bit at the brightness, the hoodies colors registered in your mind.Â
This was it. Tobyâs favorite hoodie. The hoodie you were given by his mother a couple days after the officials had told them that they couldnât find him anywhere in the forest. Sheâd told you that she knew youâd cherish it.
Sometimes youâre beyond grateful that sheâd given it to you, but other times you werenât so sure.
You stared at the hoodie, debating silently to yourself whether or not you should put it on. For several months, this hoodie was all you wore shirt wise. You refused to just wear a regular t-shirt, even through the heat of summer. You needed something to ground you, seeing as your whole world was crumbling beneath you. Your parents did their best to comfort you themselves, but after asking for therapy and receiving bi-weekly sessions, you felt as though you were just being told to bottle up your emotions.
Once youâd come back down to earth after zoning out, you realized that youâd gone on auto pilot and unconsciously put the hoodie on over your pj shirt. As you stared down at it blankly, you sniffled as tears began to rain down onto the blanket in front of you. You sink to your knees at the edge of your bed, curling up into a ball again and pulling the sleeves closer to you.
Everything is too much. Way, WAY too much. How were you meant to go on like this?
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