Jesse already regretted this, tempted to make up some bullshit bomb (like taking credit for murdering another wack job) that he could drop on Ben and let the other brush off. He knew heād have to tell Ben eventually though, or someone else (Cam, probably) would inevitably save him the trouble.Ā
He could feel Benās heartbeat thumping faster under his hands, Jesse preparing his bruised body and feelings for being unceremoniously dumped once he told the truth.Ā āI- Youāre not crazy, Ben. I have- Iāve had a thing for your sister since forever and I- I hooked up with Sasha.ā He felt an overwhelming sense of panic at admitting it, quick to try and change Benās mind before he even had a chance to react. He flattened his palms against the otherās chest, leaning his weight into them like maybe he could keep Ben there.Ā āItās not- It was just like a thing that I needed to get out of my system. Sheās been driving me outta my head since way before I actually met you.ā He knew this wasnāt gonna be easy for Ben to swallow but some part of him clung to the hope that Ben had been through the boot camp of swallowing gross shit and they might get a second (third⦠fourth?) chance.Ā
āIt was before you asked me not to kiss anyone else. We werenāt exclusive or anything. And it just kinda happened. She kept kissing me and trying to convince everyone that- Ben, her big mean brain might tap leftover lizard cells in mine but your big dumb heart makes me want to come home to you. I want to build a home with you.ā He insisted, pressing his weight into the heels of his hands. āIt was a mistake, Ben. Like realistically I knew- Even if you and I werenāt official, I definitely knew that you wouldnāt be okay with it. Iām not trying to excuse myself, Iām trying to tell you how much more you mean to me. Sasha is just trying to ruin me and Iāve just had a crush on her since she shopped at Hot Topic and her thighs smooshed like dinner rolls in an oven. It doesnāt mean anything. I wouldnāt kill a man for her. I wouldnāt give her the panic button to my phone. I wouldnāt ask her to move in with me and I definitelyĀ wouldnāt move back to Muddy for her. I know itās fucked up, but I love you Ben. And itās scary. And I think weāve both been trying to sabotage ourselves.ā He was toeing the line between trying to explain and keep from sounding like he was making excuses. Heād seen first-hand what life with a dishonored-but-resigned spouse was like, understanding for the first time why his mom worked so tirelessly to make sure that his dadās life shaped up the way that he wanted it to.Ā
āPlease give me time to make this up to you. I swear, it meant nothing. It was just a moment. Youāre- You get that, right?ā He was banking on Ben having empathy for an unruly dick, Jesse convinced that Benās had gotten him into more trouble than his own ever would.
Ben never thought heād ever wish for a murder more in his life. Somehow burying a body with Jesse wouldāve been something he could manage better than finding out that all of his paranoia wasnāt unfounded. His lungs seized as his whole chest constricted upon itself, Jesseās weight on top of him doing little to help the fact that his ribs were trying to keep his heart from escaping the confines of his body.
He stared up at Jesse as he began explaining, each strand of reason slicing up another piece of his heart like soft cheese and sunk it into the acid of his stomach. Ben had his fair share of heartbreak but this had to be the worst yet, the pain of it exacerbated by the acknowledgment of all his commitment to their relationship for someone who just didnāt sound ready.
Tears stung his eyes, but he was quick to thumb them away, for once unwilling to let Jesse see him cry after feeling like heād robbed enough emotion from him already. Grabbing Jesseās wrists, he pried away his support and sat up to dump Jesse unceremoniously onto the ground with little disregard for his bruised body.
āDonāt--ā he said, pausing long enough to steady the tremble in it before continuing as he stepped over Jesseās legs. āDonāt lump me in with you. Iāve never cheated on anyone.ā
He paced away to a dresser, uncertain of where he was going but his mind was racing with every thought heād pushed down about Sasha. Of every moment heād allowed himself to get belittled by her claims on top of Jesseās. He felt like an idiot for being swayed by the idea of romance and all of the little things Jesse had tried to placate his guilt with. āYou know, I donāt--ā Ben sucked in a breath after slamming a drawer shut after taking out a shirt. ā--fucking get you, Jess. I was understanding when you told me you never felt that way towards anyone and now youāre telling me you went and fucked my sister. And then lied to me about it for how long now?ā
Ben pulled on the shirt with purpose, for once feeling inappropriately undressed. āHow am I supposed to believe anything you say? What, was this all a big joke to you? Were you and Sasha getting a good laugh about it behind my back? Haha, little Ben is just one big fucking idiot who wants to be loved so bad heāll take it from anyone. Yeah, good one, man. You're hilarious.ā