don't mind the cough

The name's Ben. I'm here because I was an unwilling participant in a double suicide. It was only supposed to be me, but... shit happens. I never meant to bring him with me.

[andy-lane]

"What am I supposed to be listening for? Or is this all in your head?"

[benjamin-lane]

"I was going to say, 'Hey do you hear that?' Then you were supposed to say, 'nah, benny, what is it.' Then I was going to say something like 'the sound of my dreams drying up in the desert sun,' but no. You ruined the joke."

[andy-lane]

"… Yes, I hear an idiot."

[benjamin-lane]

"Oh you're soooo clever Andy, uh-blu-blu-bluh."

[connorbridgemont]

Well… Placebo effect, right?

[benjamin-lane]

Yeah. Placebo. Right... I love that band.

[connorbridgemont]

Seems like old habits stick even after you’ve kicked the bucket.

[benjamin-lane]

I get you, little buddy. It's kinda like how I keep drinking even though it doesn't do jack shit here.

[benjamin-lane]

"Hey. Hey! Listen... You hear that?"

[connorbridgemont]

[sitting comfortably in a corner, reading The Complete Poetry of Edgar Allan Poe and biting at the edge of his thumbnail]

[connorbridgemont]

[benjamin-lane]

"You keep nibbling like that you're gonna end up eating your whole hand before you know it."

[benjamin-lane]

So, like...

If nobody shows up to the bar does this mean I can just drink for free? Or...? You know what, fuck it. Bottoms up.

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[misspaisleygrace-deactivated201]

Yes, offensive clothing is always sexy.

Like what? There’s nothing here that could actually be used as a real prize.

[benjamin-lane]

I dunno. Mayor of Nowhere, maybe? A crown? I'd dig a crown. 

[max-dekker-deactivated20140131]

Yeah, I getcha. How did you end up here — well, we all know how you end up here — but, uh, what method? If you don’t mind me asking.

[benjamin-lane]

I was at a Christmas party, slash family reunion thing, and I snuck away to the garage and got into my mom's old car and just left it running. Funny thing was that that's also how my bro joined me here. Which is totally not funny, but like, how often does that happen here? I don't know. You might've seen him around here at some point; he's the tall, bitter one. 

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[macpritchett-blog]

Oh, man. Yeah, he’s in for it.

I’m Mac, by the way. I don’t think I ever formally introduced myself.

[benjamin-lane]

Hey, Mac! I'm Ben. Nice to meet you. It's nice to come across someone who isn't all gloomy and stuff. 

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[aliceinnowhere]

Umh…yeah…I’m sorry? 

[benjamin-lane]

The fuckin' nazi stink! I have to get it off of me! You think I would wear this thing if it weren't for Hitler Day? No way, man!

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[macpritchett-blog]

Yeah, definitely.

So, what, ‘re you heading this ticker tape parade or what? How’d all this even start?

[benjamin-lane]

Me? Nah. I just saw the posters and figured I might as well join in. It was just a lucky coincidence that I found this thing hidden in the attic while looking for a weapon or something to beat him over the head with. You know, besides these guns...

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[misspaisleygrace-deactivated201]

I thought the prize was just getting him the fuck out of here. Oh, and I’m diggin’ the whole getup, stud.

[benjamin-lane]

Oh, you like? 

Well, yeah, of course that'd be good too, but the person who actually digs him up deserves a little something too, right?

[max-dekker-deactivated20140131]

Nice to meet you, too, Ben! I’m not new, no. I’ve been here for about… four or five years, I think. What about you?

[benjamin-lane]

Oh, cool. Well... I mean, it's not cool, but you get what I'm saying. Me? I'm brand-spankin'-new. Just got here in December. 

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[samuelthayer]

You don’t. I do. And I win whatever it is, so it shouldn’t matter to you.

[benjamin-lane]

Says the twerp who's wasting his time talking to me rather than looking for the guy. Good luck, sport, you'll need it. 

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[aliceinnowhere]

You can’t…kill him. 

Well, I’m sorry to tell you that was probably all done in vain. I’m sure Chase and everyone else who’s in on it will appreciate the thought, though. 

[benjamin-lane]

Oh... Fuck me.

I gotta take this thing off and go shower. I have to get it off of me!

[benjamin-lane]

So...

[macpritchett-blog]

No, no, it’s.. That’s really something. 

As good a plan as any, I think.

[benjamin-lane]

Right! Thanks, man. I had to go through some shit to get this thing, buuuut... I think it'll be worth it.