as the poets say.

benjamin paulson. 20. photographer. /benpaulson

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman‌

If someone had told him that this was what the reaction to everything was going to be, and that he was going to feel this good about it all, he would’ve gone for it a long time ago. After so many years of lying to himself, trying to act like something he wasn’t, and pretend all there was between them was a strong friendship, it was a relief to be fully honest. It also felt amazing, to be standing there kissing him, feeling his body pressed against his, the clear desire between them both. This was the beginning of something that he’d wanted for a long time, and it was exciting, and terrifying all in one. But whatever it was, and whatever it was going to be, he was glad it was with Ben.

Ben rolled his hips forward, his leg pressing between his own, giving just a hint of the pressure that had gotten him so far the last time they had done something like this. A sharp breath left his lips, mirroring the noise that came from Ben’s mouth at the feeling of his hands, and he wanted more. Everything they had had that morning, the kiss, the pressure of their bodies pressed together, it had been good, but it had also been light, all impulse and a question, not wanting to cross too many lines when things weren’t spoken so clearly. They didn’t have that to worry about now, though, and Mac wanted Ben to know that. To know just how badly he wanted him, all of him. The feeling of his fingers dancing along the band of his jeans just told him that he wanted the same. “I want you, Ben, I’ve wanted you for a long time,” he breathed, barely taking his lips off of Ben’s. It felt good to say it out loud, to admit to himself and his best friend that this was what he’d been hoping for, for longer than the had even been aware of. As if to illustrate his point, he rocked his hips forward harder, feeling the effect he was having on Ben already pressing against his leg, the pressure he also found there making him want so much more.

It was next to impossible to rationalise what was happening, and under normal circumstances that would have annoyed Ben to no end. However, he couldn’t care less about rationality right now. He was lost in Cormac’s kisses, in the way their bodies seemed to fit perfectly together. It wasn’t really a surprise. They had shared a bed before, properly cuddled up against each other. Perhaps that should have given him a clue of how his friend felt. Everyone kept telling him friends didn’t normally do that. However he had refused to believe it, terrified of getting his hopes up only to end up disappointed. He had been wrong. It had taken some time, of course - a much needed space for Cormac to truly found out what he wanted, but this was happening, and Ben could barely believe it was real. 

The noise that left his lips as Mac rocked his hips forward once more, harder this time, was less than chaste. His trousers were already starting to feel extremely uncomfortable; his arousal more than eager to be set free. His hands felt clumsy all of a sudden, as if he wasn’t sure what to do with them. He knew what he wanted - he wanted to touch Cormac, to hear him moan his name like he had before; but the realisation of what was about to happen made him feel self-conscious. “I want you too, so bad.”, he said between open mouthed rough kisses, his fingers finding Mac’s zipper and undoing it, as his hand slipped under them and teased over his friend’s underwear, testing the waters. He kept moving for a minute or two, paying attention to every sound, every whimper coming from Cormac’s mouth. However, he stopped after a bit, looking into his eyes. “I- I might not be very good at this. You know, the whole sex deal. We- uhm- we can go to my room maybe. I- wow. I just can’t believe you actually want to do this with me.”

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman‌

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t be sorry. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, to be honest, I should’ve told you,” he said shaking his head, nearly jumping on Ben’s words. In all honesty, he was glad no one had asked him. It would’ve sent him into full on panic mood if anyone, even Ben, had asked honestly about his sexual exploits or lack thereof. It was intense enough for him to have slowly realized on his own that the worry and lack of desire had never been because of his own body––hell, he loved his body––but because he didn’t know what he wanted, and to have tried to talk about that with anyone before now would’ve been impossible, given the state of denial he was in before. “Don’t worry, I promise I know how hot and banging my body is. That was never the problem,” Mac laughed, unable to keep from teasing. He got serious again, though. “Thank you, though. It means a lot coming from you. You’re pretty fuckin’ fantastic yourself.”

Everything was happening all at once, and it was so shocking and overwhelming in the best way that he hardly knew what to do. They were close, so close, and he wanted to close that space desperately, but he waited for Ben to do it. And it didn’t take long. After a second, he kissed him, starting slow and a little hesitant, but it quickly changed. He pressed forward, leading Mac backwards until his ass hit the counter, and Mac pulled Ben closer, bodies pressed together in all the right ways. As soon as Ben’s hand went to his waist, moving under his shirt so that fingers touched skin, Cormac’s mind was filled with dozens of images of what could come next. He thought of that morning in his bed, and thought about so much more. Mac opened his mouth, pressing his tongue forward to taste Ben, and he had to think that that was better than any pizza he could’ve had. Boldly, his hand moved downward to Ben’s ass, unable to him himself in his teasing, even as they kissed.

He wanted to reply, to make sure Mac knew that he hadn’t meant to stay silent, that he should’ve asked anyway; but all words seemed meaningless compared to what was happening now. He got the feeling that talking wasn’t necessary. His friend probably knew everything he needed to say, and now doing was much more important than that. So that was exactly what he did, as the kiss deepened and his hand snaked under Cormac’s shirt, fingers brushing his bare back. The contact, as chaste as it was, sent a rush of heat through his body. The way their bodies were pressed together, it was impossible that Mac wasn’t feeling the effect this situation was already having on him. His mind went immediately to the last time they had been together, to that morning that had started all this mess. How embarrassed he had been after everything had happened. It was different now, though - it was different for both of them. This time he stopped thinking, he stopped trying to convince himself this was too good to be true, and that it couldn’t last, and he let himself go.

When Mac’s hand moved down towards his ass, a small gasp escaped his lips, swallowed by their kisses that were growing in heat by the second. Without wasting any time, Ben rolled his hips upward, pressing up against Cormac’s leg; but also offering some pressure between his friend’s legs. He didn’t know what to do, but the last time that had worked, so he was taking the safe road. He wasn’t sure how far they were going to go. He knew what he wanted, but he also was going to respect Mac’s wishes. His hand travelled down his back softly, now playing with the waistband of his jeans, all while keeping the friction going. “Oh my god.”, he whispered against Cormac’s lips. He couldn’t help but be amused at the irony. What if his parents knew the way he was using the name of the Lord right now?

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman‌

It wasn’t a surprise that Ben was shocked to hear that he was a virgin, after all, he had done a pretty good job at not denying any of the more sexual rumors that had come to be synonymous with his name over the years. The funny thing was, though, that he’d barely even gotten close with anyone before. People were just so obsessed with sex, and the sex lives of the so called popular ones, that plenty of people had lied about actually messing around with him. And he had been fine with that if it meant people thought he was straight, and running around having a good time, instead of constantly worried over what he really was. The thing was, though, that no one had ever asked if any of it was true or not. “We made out a lot, I touched her over the clothes, she touched me, but the moment she tried to unzip my pants, I bailed. I thought it was because I was worried what she’d say when she realized I only had an add-on dick, but really it was because she wasn’t my type. None of the girls were my type, so I never slept with any of them. Or anyone else. I’m fresh as fuck, man, as long as you don’t count the monster dildos,” Cormac laughed despite himself. It felt good to finally be honest, after all, even about something like this that should’ve been embarrassing. “I was, you know, messed up over what I wanted. And then I thought none of the girls were going to want what I’ve got going on anyway, so I never tried.”

As he waited for Ben to respond, he could feel his heart speeding up, his own thoughts going a little wild with all of the sex talk, and now the admission that he was even more into him than he could’ve admitted before. It was a lot, and standing there staring at Ben, he realized just how intense it all was. He didn’t regret the admission, because he needed him to know how he felt now, after he had spent the past week coming to terms with his feelings and finally being honest with himself, but he was terrified that he would be overwhelming him, and he was bringing another week of silence between them on again. Instead, though, Ben put down the lemonade, and started toward him tentatively. He was close, close enough that Mac could’ve counted his eyelashes, his freckles. When he reached out and gently brushed his fingers over his jaw, it sent a wave of electricity through his body. The question he asked, only made his heart beat even faster. “Yeah, you can. I’ve been dying for you to,” Mac breathed after a second. His own hands found their way to Ben’s waist, and he tentatively leaned forward, so that their lips nearly touched, his breath tickling against his face, letting Ben make the decision to bring their lips together fully.

“I’m sorry.”, Ben almost whispered. He felt ashamed, ashamed of his own selfishness. He had been so afraid to listen to Cormac gushing over someone, just falling for someone that wasn’t him, that he hadn’t even asked about how he felt about sex, what he even thought about it. Hell, Mac had been his best friends for years and years, and he didn’t even know he was a virgin as well. Every word he said made him feel more and more guilty. He could have helped, he could have told him that if someone dared to reject him for who he was, then it was their loss, not his. He could have been there and told him that any girl - or anyone for that matter - would have been so lucky to be his first. But he hadn’t been, because he had been too self absorbed and had chosen to live in a blissful ignorance, all because he didn’t want to face the truth. Truth, however, had turned out to be the absolute opposite of what he was so scared of. “I should have asked. I don’t know why I didn’t. I’m supposed to be your friend. I wish I could have been there for you when you were feeling that way, having those doubts.”, he sighed. “You shouldn’t think that, though. Any girl, or guy, or anyone would be lucky to have you. All of you. Who wouldn’t want to be with you? You’re the most bloody fantastic person I know.”, Ben chuckled, looking down at his feet. “I’m just being sappy right now.”

I’ve been dying for you to. It was all the confirmation he required. Usually Ben wouldn’t be this bold - actually, he was never bold in these situations at all - but this was different. This was Cormac. Suddenly this felt like his last chance to do what he really wanted, what apparently both of them wanted. His mind went once again to what had happened in Mac’s room, how good everything had felt between them, and that was the last push he needed to lean in and finally bring his lips to his friend’s. The kiss started slowly, almost hesitant, but it didn’t stay that way for long. Pressing his body against Mac’s, Ben took a couple steps forward until his friend hit the counter behind them. The pizza was probably going to freeze by the time they were done, but what the hell, they could heat it later. Right now Cormac was the only thing on his mind, and his lips moving against his, and one of his hands staying on his jaw while the other found its way to his waist, sneaking under his shirt. 

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman

He grinned as he immediately went for the box of pizza, opening it up and taking a slice, a big bite gone before Ben had even finished rolling his eyes. Mac swallowed, and waved his free hand vaguely, before putting the slice on a plate so he could go for the coke, knowing Ben wouldn’t want it. “Uh, no it doesn’t. You haven’t heard? I’m a virgin, too, Ben,” he said with a laugh, rolling his own eyes in response as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. In all honesty, it wasn’t something that he broadcast to the world, but it also wasn’t something that he ever denied. It was mostly that no one had ever actually asked him, and there were so many rumors around him that he hadn’t denied either, that people seemed to assume that ship had long ago sailed. But for some heavy make outs, with some touching always over the clothes, he had never been anywhere near actually losing his virginity. He had thought it was because of his own body, dysphoria and the like, but now he was certain it was because everyone he had gotten even close to that path with was a woman, and that was why he wasn’t interested in following through. But thinking of doing that with a man, with Ben, well that thought got him a little hot even just standing there opening up the bottle of coke.

To hear that he wasn’t going to lose him made his heart race even more, and to hear that he didn’t regret what had happened nearly made him want to drop the coke and kiss him right there on the spot. But instead, he just smiled back at him for a second, a little softly. “Ben, come on. I don’t regret any of that at all. Did you see how turned on I was, like holy shit. I was just afraid I was going to ruin our friendship. Because, I guess the thing is, I want both of those things. I want to be your best friend, but I also want to kiss you…Actually, I’ve kind of been wanting to kiss you for longer than I even consciously wanted to admit,” he admitted, with a shrug, as if it was no big deal, although his heart was pounding and he was suddenly very worried that that was going to ruin things. But he’d done so much thinking, and he was tired of not being honest with Ben, he wanted him to know what he felt, even if that meant more of what the last week was.

“What?” Ben’s reaction was borderline ridiculous. He had to take a second to breath and to remember he couldn’t really let his glass of lemonade fall on the floor or his mother was going to kill him. It wasn’t that he hadn’t cared about Cormac’s love - or sex - life all this time. Perhaps the issue was that he had cared a little too much. Everyone had a story to tell when it came to his friend, and he had never bothered in denying them, so Ben had pretty much accepted everything as a reality. He had meant to ask, obviously, in more than one occasion - but he had been too afraid of the answer. What if Cormac found someone, more adventurous, more experienced than himself, and he lost his chance forever? Not that Ben had really thought he had a chance, but a boy could hope, right? And now here he was, telling him that he was a virgin too, and he had no idea what to do or how to react. His mind went, evidently, to the last time they had been together. The images were so vivid inside his mind still, and just the memories -paired with everything that was happening now - made his body feel considerably hotter than before. “No way. I mean, I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just- really? You’re just saying it to make me feel better. What about that night at the beach party you took that redhead girl home? I wasn’t spying or anything but by the way you were making out with her I sure thought - shit. It doesn’t matter what I thought. I’m just surprised.”

He immediately buried his face behind his lemonade. He wasn’t even that thirsty, but anything was a good excuse not to have to confront this situation. Nonetheless, as Mac kept talking, his eyes widened even more by the second. Ben could barely believe what he was hearing. This was Cormac Newman, his best friend, and also the guy he had been in love with for more than he dared to admit - and he was saying he liked him, he really liked him, as more than just friends. His heart felt as if it was going to jump out of his body. He wanted to answer, to say something clever and charming, but he was way too paralysed to do that. Instead, the put his glass down and hesitantly walked towards his friend, eliminating any trace of distance between them. Slowly, after a moment of silence, his hand went to Cormac’s jaw and he brushed his skin with his fingers softly, looking into his eyes. “Can I?”, he whispered, knowing that Mac was going to understand what kind of permission he was asking for. 

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

It was like being back with Ben was just a reminder of how much he missed being around him all the time, sort of like having his first drink of water after being in the dessert for so long. It was just a reminder of how much he meant, and how much he felt for him, that he never ever wanted to have to go a week without him again, if he could help it. There was a word for what he was feeling, but that word was scary, even if it was exactly what this was. He had only just come to terms with the feelings, with them being for a man, for Ben, it would take steps to get to saying that, too, no matter how certain he was of everything he felt for his best friend, emotionally, romantically, and physically. He only hoped that Ben felt everything he did. There had been so many times people had joked that they were both the most obvious people in the world, that they had to be into each other, but he didn’t care about what other people said in that regard, he wanted to know what Ben felt, needed to hear it from him.

As soon as Ben squeezed his hand, not letting go, Mac redoubled his grip, feeling his heart beating faster against his chest, such a little thing doing so much after worrying for a week that he had not only lost his chance, but had lost his best friend. His words made him laugh a little, partially a nervous thing, considering he was still feeling a lot of the same. “Hey, I happen to like your stupid virgin ass, and I’m glad you acted like a horny teenager. Hell, I did, too, didn’t I. So we’re both stupid virgin asses, and you’re not gonna lose me, so I promise you can relax, and at least try to enjoy the pizza while we talk,” Cormac smiled, squeezing his hand fondly, as he led him towards the kitchen. In a way, it should’ve been terrifying to think that they were about to have to talk about everything. There was no going back after this moment, and even if now he was less nervous and more excited about what might come from it, it was nerve wracking, to know he was going to have to say it all out loud. He hadn’t said the words yet, not really, he’d skirted around them to others, implied as much, but he wanted to say it to Ben, and then tell him exactly how he felt, no matter how terrifying. “I can’t have a real talk on an empty stomach, anyway.”

And there it was; after all the panic, and missing him, and wondering what would happen the next time they were together, everything seemed to be a thousand times better when Cormac reinforced the grip of his hand in his. It was ridiculous that such a small gesture was able to provoke this much of an effect on him, but that was how it always was when his friend was involved. He couldn’t help it. At this point, it truly looked like Cormac and his photographs were the only way he could be happy, or truly happy at least. Not that he didn’t love his friends, and his family, but this was something else, something he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to feel for anyone else. It sounded extreme, and a little bit tragic, and he hoped he never felt the need to confess that because he was sure it was going to end up being positively pathetic. Still, it was relieving to realise not everything seemed to be as lost as he had initially thought. 

The pizza was already on the table when they reached the kitchen, along with a couple plates and a very large bottle of coke, that he absolutely hated, so he went and grabbed his organic lemonade from the fridge. “It’s half pepperoni for you, half spinach for me, as always.”, he smiled. “Yeah right, only my ass happens to be the only one that’s actually a virgin.” Ben rolled his eyes. That had been another one of his worries this past week. Even if by some miracle of fate Cormac decided he actually liked him back, he was so inexperienced, so clumsy, that he couldn’t really imagine anything really sexy was going to happen between them. Hell, he had lasted like two seconds the last time; and there had been layers of clothes separating them then. He couldn’t even imagine how disappointing his performance was going to be if things actually got further than that. “You’re not going to lose me either.”, he sighed, taking a sip of lemonade because his throat had suddenly dried. “You couldn’t lose me if you tried. The last days without talking to you were complete bullshit. Not even because of the morning selfies, I just- I don’t know. I don’t regret what happened between us, I can’t just lie to you and tell you I do, but I also understand if you do, and I don’t want that to ruin our friendship. I guess that’s pretty much what I needed to say.” It was a lie, he needed to say so much more. 

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

It was really tempting to just shut Ben up then and there by kissing him. To do what he’d been thinking about doing again all week after the last time they had seen each other. He had been through the panic, had at least vaguely started to come to terms with what all of this meant for him, because there was no more hiding, and he didn’t want to hide if it meant losing Ben. But what mattered more than that was that he was certain after a week spend apart from him, that he never wanted to do that again. He cared about Ben more than anyone else, not just because of how much he wanted him, but because he was his best friend, the person who made him feel like he could do anything and be whatever he wanted to be. There was no way he could go without him, no matter how selfish that thought was. 

“Yeah. It really sucked not having you to send my stupid morning selfies to,” Cormac said with a little laugh, though it was soft, full of something else besides just teasing. As Ben went on, rambling about how he was freaking out and he thought giving him time would’ve been the best, Mac’s heart swelled with fondness. He had missed this mess so much he couldn’t even properly say. Without hesitation, he stepped closer to Ben, reaching out and taking his hand in his own, a little loosely, giving his the option of pulling away if it was too much. Hell, it was making his own heart beat frantically against his chest, thoughts running rampant. “Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. We were both freaking out. And I did need some time to figure things out. But…I’m not freaking out anymore, just so you know. So maybe your mom was right this once. Especially if there’s pizza, I’m fuckin’ starving. We can even put on one of those wild, artsy movies you like so much. But, um, I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch anything until we actually talk, you know…”

Ben had never been in love, or maybe he had for too long - because he didn’t remember feeling like this for anyone else that wasn’t Cormac. It was the most strange to miss so many things that had to do with one person, even some stupid Snapchat selfies in the morning. It was almost unreal, it was the kind of thing he would normally make fun of. In a world who played with the illusion of love as a way to encourage reckless behaviour, spending, and capitalism, he was sure falling for the whole thing. Then again, that was supposed to happen when it came to loving someone, wasn’t it? It could make anyone betray their own nature. Suddenly he felt a bit like the main character of the Great Gatsby, willing to sacrifice everything just to have his friend in his life again. That wasn’t his choice, though, or at least it wasn’t his alone. Nonetheless, the fact that Cormac was even here was already a good sign, as much as he didn’t want to keep his hopes up. 

For a second there he truly thought his friend was going to kiss him. However the feeling of his hand in his was almost better than that. He released a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding, and gave Cormac’s hand an affectionate squeeze, not letting go of it. “You’re lucky.”, he immediately said, and a bit of a bitter laugh followed. “I am still pretty much freaking out. But not because of what you probably think. I- I don’t really have any doubts about what happened the other day. I just don’t know how you’re feeling, and that’s the thing that makes it everything worse. I don’t want to lose you, you know? You’re my best friend, you’re the most important person in the world to me, and I don’t want my virgin stupid ass to ruin that just because I decided to act like a horny teenager.” His own expression made him laugh, and this time the sound reached his eyes. “Come on,” he started, pulling Cormac by the hand towards the kitchen. “we can start eating, and we can talk while we’re at it.”

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

The week since the incident with Ben had been nothing less than miserable. Without his best friend constantly by his side, or at least constantly messaging him, Cormac had been at a loss a lot of the time. That combined with the panic of knowing that there was no more saying that he was interested in anyone but men had made for a few stressful days. He had thought so many times of just texting Ben, of just trying to reach out somehow and force him to talk to him, but it had felt a whole lot like forcing him was going to make it all worse. It had been apparent just how much Ben had been freaking out over what they had done, space was for the best, no matter how painful it was for both of them.

Luckily enough, not everyone had the same idea that they both seemed to share. He had gotten a call from Ben’s mom, of all people, asking him to come over to the house and housesit with Ben while they were gone for the weekend, his brother gone too. Normally, he would’ve jumped at the opportunity, but this time it had taken some convincing from Ben’s mother. Still, though, it hadn’t taken too long, as he was more than ready to take advantage of any way he could make Ben talk to him again, especially now that he had had a chance to talk out his own issues with some of his other friends, and had a better idea of what he should do. So he’d packed a bag, and gone to his house at the appropriate time. He had assumed that she had cleared this with Ben at some point, but the look on his face as his parents left them utterly alone in the living room told Cormac that he hadn’t been warned about this. Fuck.

“Don’t apologize…I’m glad they did it, actually. I’ve, well, I’ve missed you, you know. Haven’t had anyone to bother for the past week…” he trailed off, not fully looking at Ben in the eye.

It felt a lot like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. Everything he had been fearing for the last days was now happening, and Ben just couldn’t deal. It was not only that they were forced to talk now, but they were also all alone in the house, and even if he had spent days trying to avoid them; there were a lot of not so innocent thoughts plaguing his mind right now. Sidestepping all the talking and kissing Cormac was one of them. There hadn’t been a single night where he hadn’t thought about what had happened, about the feeling of his friend’s body on top of his, the sensation of Cormac grinding against him, how exquisite he felt when Ben had touched him, even if it had been over his clothes. It drove him insane just to think about it, and this was definitely not the moment to turn himself on. 

He sighed, shifting awkwardly in his place. What was he supposed to say? Should he pretend there was nothing between them? That their friendship was the same as before? It was impossible, not after everything. His hand went to his hair, and he ran his finger through it a couple times. “I’ve missed you too. A lot. It just feels weird not having you around, you know, not waking up with one of your stupid selfies and all.” He wanted to say more, of course. He wanted to say he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, he wanted to confess everything he had been feeling for years now, but he couldn’t.  “I’m sorry I didn’t text you like I promised. I- I don’t know what to say. I was freaking out, and when I stopped freaking out I realised how badly you were probably freaking out as well and I didn’t want to push you too far in case you needed some time to think. I thought staying silent was going to be the best option.” He let out a weak laugh. “I guess my mother didn’t agree. They ordered some pizza for us, by the way. Our favourite.”

[benpaulson]

location: ben’s home time: evening status: closed to @cormacnewman

It had been more than a week since the incident had happened, and despite his promise, Benjamin had not texted Cormac. He wasn’t sure if it had been because he wanted to give his friend time and space to figure things out, or if he himself wasn’t ready to face the consequences of what they had done. Whatever the case, they had barely talked in days - and he had to admit it was the worst he had felt in a long time. He was distracted, lacking motivation, and in a constant bad mood. He had grown so used to Cormac’s presence in his life that he had basically forgotten how to function without him. Still, he was scared, scared of what talking again could mean. Maybe it was better to live with this uncertainty than to lose his friendship altogether. 

His parents, however, didn’t seem to think the same. They had asked about Cormac plenty of times, and they had been constantly met with evasion. If only they knew what had happened, they would have definitely stopped asking - but Ben was obviously not going to talk about that, not when it meant telling his father and his brother he was gay. That was something he couldn’t deal with right now. So they were clueless, and that was proving to be a blessing until now, when her mother climbed up the stairs and announced Cormac was at the door. “You’ve been so distant lately I thought this was a good moment for the both of you to talk things through.”, his mum had explained. “We’re leaving to the retreat for the weekend, and your brother is staying at Stephen’s, so you boys can watch some movies and take care of the house. Be nice, honey.” And like that, he was living his worst nightmare. He went downstairs just as his parents said goodbye and gave them their blessings one more time, before being left completely alone with Cormac in the living room. 

“Uhm- so my parents are parent trapping us, apparently. Sorry about that.”

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

Everything that was happening, everything he was feeling, every sound leaving his mouth combined with Ben’s, was overwhelming in the best way possible. He had never felt pleasure so real and intense, and all because of him. His fingers pressing as deep as they could against the confines of the fabric, moving against each other desperately, it was heaven. And the moment he reached his finish, Ben did as well, coming nearly in sync, with a similar moan, breathing heavily, grinding against each other as they both rode out the waves of their pleasure. And in that moment Cormac couldn’t help but think that he would be satisfied if they could do something like that over and over again for the rest of their lives, and no less than that. But the bliss was brief, as his small whoops accompanied by a nervous, questioning laugh apparently woke Ben from his haze of pleasure. It made his own panic start rising again, realizing just what they had done.

“Ben, wait, no, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have–” he stuttered out, a sudden panic starting to grip him as Ben all but rolled out from under him, and dashed to the bathroom without looking back. And there it was, the sudden and terrifying regret creeping up his spine. In the moment, he had been so confident in what he was doing, ready to stop lying to himself and Ben, ready to take what he had been dreaming of for longer than he wanted to admit. But seeing Ben’s reaction, the sudden and obvious panic of his own, made him wonder if he had made the wrong choice, if he had overwhelmed Ben by being so forward, for getting so intense so fast. He laid there, breathing heavily still from the orgasm, staring up at the ceiling, frozen with panic. Not just panic for having overwhelmed Ben, but panic for what all of this meant. Because there was no denying what had just happened, there was no going back and pretending like he wasn’t interested in exactly that now. He couldn’t lie to himself after the explosion of pleasure he had felt unlike anything else with Ben, with a man. Mac sat up in bed, looking around his room frantically as if an answer might appear out of nowhere. The only instinct was to run. They got up, though, and went to the bathroom door, knocking lightly. “Ben, uh, maybe we could talk? I mean, not now, if you don’t want, but at least later?”

He was very much aware of the fact that Cormac was trying to stop him, talk to him, doing anything to salvage this situation. He appreciated, of course. If the circumstances had been different, it would have been a sort of relief to realise that this wasn’t a lost case, that their friendship still had a chance. Nonetheless, Ben couldn’t think about that right now. His mind wasn’t really able to function properly, not after what had happened. It was as if he was living inside a movie, only he had no control over his own actions. Everything was happening too fast, as if he was in some kind of strange dream he couldn’t really wake up from. He all but ran towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him. His clothes were a mess, and he knew that, but before doing anything he had to stop and take a couple of breaths in order not to faint right there and then. The things that had just happened were still fresh in his mind, the pleasure from his orgasm not quite over yet. His hands were shaking. Pushing himself off the wall and start moving was harder than he had initially thought, but eventually he managed to do it. 

It was then - while he was cleaning himself and debating whether to take a shower or just put on his clothes and run away as fast as he could - that he heard Cormac’s voice outside the door. It took him a couple seconds to reply, mainly because he wasn’t sure of what they could say. There was no turning back now. Talking to his friend meant confessing everything he was feeling, it meant possibly losing him. He knew that Cormac had other issues to deal with, and now he had just piled up something else for him to stress about. His hands went to his hair, then to his face. He exhaled deeply before opening the door, facing the other once again. “I should get going now. I have to take a shower and all that. So yeah, there’s that.” His gaze went to his own feet for a second, and he walked up to his clothes in order to start putting on his own blue jeans. “We can talk later. I have some stuff to do today, but I’ll text you tonight if you want.”

[benpaulson]

apolloarevalos :

David raised his eyebrows a bit, prompting Ben to say more if he wanted to. He found that when people really wanted to say something, they didn’t need much incentive, and for some reason, they really liked to talk to the person behind the counter. “Oh, well I don’t think we’re getting any lawsuits about the cleanliness of this place,” he said as he glanced behind him. He’d cleaned just this morning, and would definitely rinse off some lemons if it was utterly necessary. “Alright, large Earl Gray. Completely off the rails.” He smiled a bit as he joked. 

There was a moment of silence, and Ben wasn’t really sure of what to say. He shifted a bit awkwardly. “This is the part where I tell you, right? I thought that only happened at hotel bars with people drinking heavily or something like that.”, he sighed. “Okay, I think I fucked things up with my best friend. Forever.” He really wasn’t the type to go around talking about his problems. Hell, this was probably the first time he had told someone about what had happened, and he wasn’t even getting into details. However, the second the words left his mouth, he felt somewhat relieved. “Yes, large Earl Gray. I’ve gone completely mental.”

[benpaulson]

naiaguerrero :

The last thing Naia thought she’d be doing today was taking photos, the plan had been to relax with some surfing and then swimming. However, the way Ben made it appear so natural seemed to be equally effective. Within a few minutes, she had forgotten all about the messy pageant and the even worst night she ended up having after, alcohol was never really good to her.

“Sales are okay, could be better though. I would completely adore you even more if you posted it on your Instagram.” She flashed Ben a big smile, for a second almost disregarding that he was still snapping away photos. “Querido, have you looked in a mirror lately? Anyone would have to be crazy to not want you in front of a camera.” The designer took several seconds to analyze her canvas, she wasn’t exactly used to sketching for men but Pietro had been her mannequin long enough for her to get a good amount of practice in. “I’ve already got the perfect outfit in mind. Have you been working out, Ben?”

Ben snapped a few more natural pictures, before going to her and ask her to do a couple of specific poses. The objective had been to photograph the beach, but who was he kidding? He preferred it much more to photograph people. There was something about their expressions, the way their bodies reflected how they were feeling in one way or another that was just both beautiful and fascinating to him. If the judges considered he had to lose because of this, then that would be it. He wasn’t going to magically change his style for them. 

“They’ll get better, I’m sure. You’re just starting.”, he nodded. “Of course I will. I’m sure my followers are going to be crazy about it.” Her next remark caused a noticeable blush to spread across his cheeks. He didn’t consider himself particularly attractive. Maybe he stood out, because of his hair, but that was pretty much it. “Oh- well, thank you I guess. And I mean, I’d love to model for you if you want me to. Apparently I need more exposure, according to pretty much everyone. Yeah, I’ve been, a little bit, but don’t tell anyone. I started doing it for the most ridiculous reasons and I’m not proud of myself.”

[benpaulson]

loganpcrrish :

“Broken? Are you kidding? There’s no way I could have knocked you with that book hard enough while trying to break your nose.” He holds his hands up in defense. “I-mean not that I would ever test that theory on you or anything or try to break your bones.” He decides to shut his mouth before this guy (who he had admittedly had only heard about through Nina) thinks he’s a huge prick right off the bat. 

“Glad you’re good though. You’re –Ben right?” Damn he hoped he didn’t get that wrong.

“I know, I know. I was joking.”, he chuckles, shaking his head. “Don’t worry. I look like a mouse but I know how to take a punch. Not that I’m eager to prove that to you, I prefer to keep my fights to the minimum, and we would be absolutely kicked out of the library if we started one too.” With a shrug he starts picking up the books that have fallen, and nods at Logan’s question. 

“That’s me, yes, Ben Paulson. I’m assuming Nina told you my name? And you’re Logan, right?”

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

Hearing Ben curse his name was nearly enough to send him over the edge on that sound alone, especially combined with the feeling of his arousal pressing against his leg. How long had he wanted exactly this? Longer than he could admit out loud, and here they were now, kissing frantically unable to stop touching each other. If he had been in any state to think he would’ve worried that this was going to be the thing that ruined it, that he was going too far, and Ben wouldn’t be able to deal with it once they both came to their senses, but he couldn’t think like that with Ben underneath him. The moan he let out as Ben’s hand found his ass, encouraging his movements, was nothing compared to the moan he let out as he felt his hand move to his thigh, then upward, finally stopping between his legs, putting just a little bit of pressure there. It was honestly a wonder that he didn’t come then and there on the stop. He had dreamed of Ben touching him more often than he let himself admit, had wondered how amazing his fingers would feel against him, but it was nothing compared to the reality of the feeling. And this was over his sweatpants. He could hardly imagine what it would be like to have him touch him with nothing between them. “Ben, fuck, yes, harder,” he moaned against his lips. The kisses were less like kisses and more like both of them trying to taste as much of each other as possible, devour each other after denying themselves for so long. 

One of his hands moved down to Ben’s wrist, keeping his hand between his legs, encouraging him further. He ground down against Ben’s hand, against his own arousal almost desperately, hips moving faster and faster against him, knowing exactly what the heat growing in the pit of his stomach meant. In the back of his mind, Cormac knew he should stop. He was practically torturing Ben grinding down like this relentlessly, but he couldn’t stop, not when he could feel how much Ben wanted him, when he knew that he wanted him just as badly. He half-noted the music playing outside of his room, a strangely appropriate song somehow, but couldn’t do much more than that as their moans mixed together between their lips, a beautiful sound of desire finally coming to fruition. And then out of nowhere, Ben’s fingers seemed to press just right where he wanted, where he needed and he was finished. The noise he let out was loud and strangled, half a moan and half Ben’s name, caught against Ben’s lips, and he thrust his hips forward riding out the waves of his pleasure, mind blissfully blank of anything but Ben. As the pleasure died down, the reality of what he had just done set in slowly, and he could feel the panic already growing in its place. For now, though, he didn’t move, instead pressing a somewhat softer kiss to the corner of Ben’s mouth. “Whoops,” he half breathed, half laughed.

It felt pretty much like a dream, like he wasn’t the one in control of his body - and maybe that was for the best, because the regular Ben - the one who died every time Cormac looked at him with an ounce of somewhat close to affection - would have stopped this a long time ago already. A part of him was terrified, of course, of the consequences of what was happening here. They had never done this, they had never been even close to doing this. They hadn’t even kissed, not even as a dare; and not because people hadn’t tried, but one of them always found an excuse to avoid it. He had genuinely never thought Cormac wanted him like this. Why would he? He could have anyone he desired, and who was him compared to that? There were no doubts now, though. He was oblivious, he wasn’t going to deny that, but this was past anything he could ignore. There was no way his friend was doing this out of pity, or because he was bored. He knew Mac enough to be aware of how turned on he was, how much he wanted him, as much as he himself wanted him in return. “Damn, you feel so good.”, he whispered, a little surprised of his own words. Desire could turn a man into a whole different creature, apparently. 

He had tried to control the sounds coming out of his mouth before, but there was no way to do that when Cormac settled down against him, pushing his hand forward between his legs. His friend’s desperation only mirrored his own, and he couldn’t help but follow his pace, moving against his body, exploring his centre with his fingers as deep as he was able considering the sweatpants were on the way. He thought of sidestepping them completely and sneak his hand under his pants to touch him, really touch him, but the thought alone almost sent him over the edge and he didn’t want the moment to end so quickly. It was going to, though, because as soon as Mac started picking up the pace and his moans started getting louder, Ben knew he was a goner. It took him practically two seconds two finish, fortunately all over his pijama shorts, and his high pitched whimper would have been ten times more embarrassing if Cormac hadn’t let out a similar sound, reaching his climax almost at the same time. He was breathing heavily, pleasure washing over his body, and for a second it was absolute bliss, despite the mess, and the consequences. It was only when he heard his friend’s voice again that he realised what exactly had happened. “Uhm- sorry. I’m sorry. I’m- I need to- I need to go to the bathroom for a second. I’ll be right back.” Trying not to be too abrupt, he freed himself from Mac’s grip and ran to the bathroom, the panic starting to set in. 

[benpaulson]

apolloarevalos :

“No problem, take your time.” Had David been in a bad mood, he might have been confused about why Ben had approached the counter if he was spacey, but he wasn’t busy, and the other boy was nice, so he brushed it off. The request for organic lemons did make him stifle a laugh, but he was used to complicated enough orders, and Ben was so polite about his asking that David just shook his head. “I’m fine, yourself? Uh, no promises on the lack of stuff on the lemons though, I just use what Phil buys. I can wash it extra well though, if you’d like.” He offered a smile. “What size was that?”

“It’s just been a long couple of days.” Not that David cared, probably, not that anyone cared. He had no idea why he was now oversharing. Maybe he had been spending too much time with the walking reality show that was Nina. Ben shook his head. “It’s not necessary. Well, I mean, please do wash them extra well of course. That could save you from a lawsuit one day.” He tilted his head, considering the options. If he was going to distract himself, he was going to need a lot of tea. “The biggest you have please. You only live once, right?”

[loganpcrrish-blog]

mount wells’ public library  // june 18th // 4:07pm // open

He’s minding his own business for the most part, just having finished with a student and waiting around an hour for the next one. During the year he liked to hold tutoring sessions on the MWU campus, but in the summer kids didn’t need that kind of intimidation. So he moved to the library, less scary and definitely not filled with stressed out university kids working through the hot months. He’s up going through the shelves of books when he abruptly turns around, assuming no one else would be inside on a day like this. This ends in smacking into the other person, harder than someone should by accident. 

“Ah fuck! I’m sorry, wasn’t trying to take you out I swear. Didn’t bruise anything did I?” 

[benpaulson]

Ben could barely react. Next thing he knew, he was landing on the library’s floor, his pile of books flying everywhere. It was also his fault if he thought about it. He hadn’t really been looking where he was going. He had to blink a couple times before noticing who exactly was talking to him. It was Logan. He didn’t really know much about him. He did know his brother, and he had heard Nina talking about him countless times; but that was all. He seemed like a cool guy, though. As cool as any spoiled rich kid could be. 

“No worries.”, he replied, shaking his head and standing up. “I wasn’t really focused on where I was going. The books were pretty much covering everything. Hopefully nothing’s broken.”

[apolloarevalos-blog]

location: asphodel café date: june 16th status: open

David wasn’t really sure what time of day was his favourite to work. He was already up early enough to take the morning shift, and normally his coworkers were grateful when he did, but sometimes he liked taking the morning for himself and his own things. There was also the fact that it was normally busier in the morning, but by early afternoon, people coming in for lunch or a drink were in the mood to chat, which David didn’t necessarily mind, but it also wasn’t his exactly his forté. Today, however, he’d been graced with a good mood and not any overly rude customers, so when the next person walked in, he gave them a smile that was genuine and leaned against the counter. “Hey, what would you like?”

[benpaulson]

If only Benjamin could be as easy going as David was, or at least as he seemed. It had been a couple days since what he had decided to name the CormacGate had happened and he had been spiralling down a descending crisis of doubt and self hate. Nothing uncharacteristic when it came to think in all truth. In the course of the last week, he had thought of contacting his friend, or even Valentine, and then regretted it. So here he was, trying to have a quiet afternoon, distracting himself with a huge art history book. “Oh- sorry, I was spacing out. How are you? Uhm- earl grey, no sugar, lemon and honey. Organic if you have. If I told you the stuff they put on lemons to make them look more turgid you wouldn’t eat any more ever again.”

[benpaulson]

cormacnewman :

If there had been any doubt in his mind before of what he liked, it was all erased in that moment. He had kissed plenty of women, hell, he’d even gotten into a bit of heavy petting with some of them, but not once had any of it made him feel like he felt now, kissing Ben. Then it had all been about doing it because it was what he was supposed to be doing, doing it because it was what he was supposed to like. Star quarterback? Kiss some girls. Popular jock? Let everyone think he slept with them, too. In his head, he had made the excuse that the reason he never gotten to anything sexual with any of them was because of his own dysphoria. But that was a lie. He was happy in his skin, and always had been. It was just a convenient excuse. It had been about the other people, and not just because of gender, because of who they were. None of them had been him. None of them were Ben. And it was Ben there now, warmth pressing closer to him, breathing mirroring his, hand caressing bare skin beneath clothing.

“I know. But I want to, I am sure. I’m tired of trying to ignore what I feel for you,” he muttered against Ben’s lips, barely taking a second to say it all in a hurried breath before kissing him again. He pressed closer, purposefully moving his leg against Ben, against the clear arousal, wanting nothing more than to hear his moan like that again, even just quietly, even just briefly. No, there was one thing he wanted more than that; he wanted Ben to touch him, to move his fingers down just a little bit and feel just how much he wanted him. He was tempted to ask, or even to reach down and guide Ben’s hand between his legs, but instead he did something else. Instead, thanks to whatever bold, bold spirit overtook him, he shifted to push Ben gently onto his back, going with him, covering him with his heat, pressing his body against his as he only deepened the kiss. A moan was caught between their lips as their hips made contact, and he couldn’t help but grind down a little, testing the waters, in search of that delicious pressure, the heat building in the pit of his stomach.

What I feel for you, were the words Cormac used, and they sent Ben’s mind into a downward spiral. What did it mean? What exactly had his friend been feeling all this time? Was this a one time thing perhaps? Born from desire, abstinence, and the wonderful night they had spent together? Or was it more? Even now that their bodies were pressed flushed together, now that they were kissing like there was no tomorrow, he was afraid to ask. What if this was an ending, not a beginning? How was he going to even face that possibility? He had spent so many years wanting this, wanting him, and now that it was finally happening it all seemed so surreal he didn’t even know what to do about it. It was so typical of Ben to ruin positive things and thoughts just because he considered them too good to be true; and this looked like it was going to be one of those cases. Maybe he needed to stop for a second and go against his own nature, but it was really difficult to think clearly with the way Cormac’s body was moving against his, and the way his tongue demanded for more, as if he was begging for him to take the extra step. 

“Shit, Mac-”, he all but moaned, louder this time, when he felt his leg pressing very deliberately against his obvious arousal. This was risky, and potentially embarrassing. Knowing himself, he wasn’t going to last much longer. Still, the sensation was too delicious to stop. Once again his horny hormones were playing tricks on him. Where was his rational brain when he needed it the most? Not getting enough blood right now, probably. When Cormac shifted, he was confused for a second, but the doubt dissipated immediately when he understood what the other was doing. Another moan, half caught in their kiss this time, but loud enough that Kat was probably hearing it. The music playing in the background was a true blessing. Now Cormac was grinding down against him and his response was almost animalistic. The hand that had been gripping his hip before now went to his ass, guiding Mac’s movements against him. The other also moved almost on its own accord, up his tight at first, and finally landing between his friend’s legs, putting a bit of pressure there over his sweatpants.