Milkmute Musings @berserkfuck - Tumblr Blog

as time continues to pass, i become more isolated and hopeless. all i am is a slave that no person can associate with or depend on. i can’t imagine living another 40 years or even 5 with how i feel and how people respond to me.

Growing up, i remember both of my parents loving music, singing, laughing. These days they don’t sing. Being by myself, outside, moving and singing is probably my favorite way to spend my time- it is my connection to spirit. I never want to lose that. I never want to forget or abandon myself, the core of me that is best left alone to stare straight into the sun and to enjoy the space in darkness, to breathe freely and to not be bothered with what any other body might see in me or not. Loving myself and my time with myself overrides any need to be chosen romantically. i can’t stand the suffocation that is inevitable in living with a man, in trying to trust. When it is just me, there is trust- i know myself, there’s nothing to worry about, i can just witness, i can know and accept.

nevver

The Banquet, René Magritte

catchymemes

lionfloss

by T Fulton

there is no safety

and i don’t have control

i am striving for it

i can get some good work done if i am on my own

maybe “wife” is one experience of womanhood that i am not meant to have this life

shocked to have gotten this far

ready whenever

#midlife crisis

nevver

All it ever does is rain, Christophe Jarcot

everything has been so blurry. being full blown sober and being a student and a mother, i feel i am drowning, like i’m in a dream trying to run but moving in slow motion. i’m not happy, though i’m functioning. my spark is gone. i search for myself in the creases of any day, when i’m outside walking and let my face turn up to the sun, i try to remember my own joy.

i can’t love anyone else rightly. i’m not a great mother. i am still the one wishing to escape and abandon my waste of my time of myself. my baby is perfect , i feel incredible guilt for not being happier and more present for him. i feel guilt and i have no sympathy left in me and definitely no hope when it comes to being held. i believe i’ve become obsidian, greatly missing myself as a lava blob. i believe there’s nothing for me to look forward to but a hundred forms of pain. and i can’t even fully feel it. everything is muffled and jumbled and forgotten mostly. i stare at any screen to replace what comes up on the inner one. i can’t sleep at night anymore . when i dream it involves car crashes or ghosts who have hated me for years now. i just want to feel like myself and like there is something good coming for me , about me. i don’t want to Only be a mother, i don’t want to grow old. how long can i roll the rock up the same hill how long can i be defeated and unimportant how long can i live unable to love trust hope or feel how long until i am all the way gone?

something i dream about is being in a room full of all the men that ever really loved me and all of them being nice to me regardless of how horribly anything ended or what happened. like a postmortem waiting room of forgiveness and only the good parts of what any relationship was. it’s a sick fantasy for my ego to dine on. as if any of those people could still hold me in even a decent light when what i’ve made of all of it is scorched in hellfire light and smothered with smoke and ashes.

vowing to only let myself be a lover at best and always to leave early. i cant be kept, i cant be carried. i wont be a wife. forever is a nice lie i will never believe.

#love #loss