𝐅 𝐑 𝐄 𝐄 𝐅 𝐀 𝐋 𝐋 !

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐧 ' 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 ' 𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐮𝐥𝐮'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐫 . 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 & 𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐞𝐥 . 𝟐𝟒 , 𝐬𝐡𝐞/𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 , 𝐜𝐬𝐭 .

[berztto]

𝐓𝐎𝐎 𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐘 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝐄𝐋𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 . . . carmen ' carmy ' berzatto from hulu's THE BEAR . a study in grief , perfectionism , and the chicago transit system . loved & adored by el ( 24 , she / they , cst ) . semi - selective & low activity ; minors & personals DNI . triggering content will be tagged accordingly .

carrd currently under construction . general rules apply . you can also find me at @ofchaotics !

Visit Original Link

[ofchaotics]

hi okay after careful consideration and looking at the way my chaotic life is... i have decided to move all my muses to @444fm !! if you want me to move any threads of ours over there just like this and i shall... indeed do it <3

[ourblued]

here's the thing , she knows what type of person carmy is -- because she's the same person . just in a different form , in a different mindset . she's like if he were less stressed out , externally , but stressed out internally . keeping all of her thoughts to herself , only wanting to lash out when needed . & now is one of those moments , if he's biting , then she's biting . that's how it's going to be , between them . & sydney , as shown before , as no gripe with showing her teeth , with baring them to show to others : with putting herself in positions where she's had to figure shit out .

it's funny how sydney manages to keep herself contained through all of this , like some bad breakup that she's going to emotionally put herself through because she knows that she can deal with it , as much as others have , humanly so . it's the way that she's so emotionally charged up that she could say anything , throw something his way & she knows that he would retort back , in any other demeanor , a severe language that they know & they know only , like some secret little bit that they've invented , that's what it seems like & as a good person would , she deals with it in the way she knows how , keeping it internally , until she explodes -- which , isn't very often , but when it is , everyone knows .

& it's not that she has anything against carmy , nor is it his attitude towards things when he gets frustrated , however , she thinks it's frustrating how he gets like this -- because she can't get anything out of him except for anger . " it was never an ' i told so you , carmy , " sydney muses with a little eye roll , shaking her head in the utmost way someone could roll their eyes over at someone , in the somewhat disbelief there was . " i was saying , that things wouldn't have happened if you didn't just up & disappeared on us ! " on me , she wants to say , as it's on the tip of her tongue & she's almost cursing herself for not doing it , for not being as bold as she thinks she is .

it's really no secret how she really feels about him , how composed & poised she thinks he really is , how much his opinion really means to her . how the fact that he inspires her to keep going , to keep fighting , in a sense of things . " yeah , we're good . " she replies , wanting to keep all of her bottled up anger inside , not wanting to fight with him any longer . all she's thinking about is the restaurant , how it'd be , how much she doesn't want it to be some failure like sheridan was . never that , god . even thinking about it sends shivers down her spine .

" of course we will , carmy . we're stronger together . "

[berztto]

the issue with syd was that there was far too much to lose with her . not only a partner , but a friend .

all that fucking denial . how it eats him alive . more than a friend . he knows it . she knows it . but it sits in the middle of them in silence . it's deafening . it's nauseating . it's almost debilitating . they play this game as if neither one of them could see it . feel it . it's manifested itself into a barrier between the two of them , and makes arguments like this even worse to get through .

a double edged sword , the way they mirror one another . she'll only bite back if he bites in the first place . he'd rather it be this way . rather her not be passive and elusive about the problems at hand . he's never been good at reading between the lines , and syd has , generally , never made that an issue . his gaze falls back to her , and he wants to laugh at the way that she still chooses to bicker about the way he words it . " it was an i told you so . just a different shade , " he mutters back .

and there it was . that one part he didn't want to talk about but now officially had to . a long sigh that draws from his lips , a hand carding through his hair . distraction , and how it always gets the better of him . how much smoother would things have gone had he not lost sight of everything to begin with ? he'll blame himself . that seething self loathing that creeps up from behind him . how it dismantles any attempt at progress he's ever made . " i'm sorry . i just lost track of things . an apology is one thing , but , i - i'll be better . "

the guilt . how he feels it slowly beginning to consume him . despite her quiet words of assurance , it still feels as though there's something unsettling between the two of them . stronger together , but what happens when he slips away ? getting lost in something so wildly unrealistic for himself . a tension that now finds solace in his shoulders , where he'll make a feeble attempt to roll away .

" i'm sorry , sydney . i am . i hope you know i mean it . "

[itsalltoobeautiful]

When Whitney walked in needing some lunch to settle her growling stomach - what seemed like both just yesterday and years ago - she was not prepared for the instant round of butterflies, an almost comical display of blushing when those crystal blue hues met her gaze. She was convinced she’d made a fool of herself, tripping over words left and right like she was fourteen again— but how could she help it?

The way Carmy looked at her that day solidified something between them; a certain something that blossomed into the scene before her- him making dinner for the two of them for god knows how many nights in a row now. He would never know how much she admired what he did for her, for them- but Whit was sure to reassure him every chance she got. He was an angel sent to her from some unknown force that she would never question; some invisible thread between the two of them shortening more and more over time until they were able to be here, now; having dinner at his place yet again, her heart feeling truly at home.

“Hey!-“

A grin spread across her face at his callback, even when nearly dropping the bottle of red wine she picked up after work. She wanted to do more, to help and be an extra set of hands in the kitchen tonight, but her work had only let her out about twenty minutes or so before— thankfully there was a store close by Carmy’s place so she could swing by quickly.

Shrugging her jacket off her shoulders, Whitney kicked off her shoes and with the relief of bare feet out of dress shoes, made her way over to her lovely chef; setting the wine down on the table before her gentle hands enveloped him in a hug from behind.

“Hey, no, it’s okay-“ She mused softly, a genuine gleam of love and sympathy in her chocolate hues as she peeked around his shoulder to give him a little kiss. “I’m so sorry it wasn’t a great close; wanna talk about it? Or I can finish up these peppers so you can take a break..?”

[berztto]

the feeling of fear is miniscule . no longer apprehensive as to what love could possibly bring him . she's silenced all those anxieties . she's made his mind feel less of a warzone and more of a sanctuary . he'll wonder if she's aware of any of it , and if her feelings match the same weight of his own . knows better than to ever once doubt her , because she's never once allowed room for him to feel anything other than loved .

and meeting her never really felt real . something that he imagined he'd only hear of in stories . something that was realistic , just not for him . the way she stumbled into his life and made peace with all of his demons . he wonders how she does it . . . floating through life with such grace & eloquence that he'd never feel he could match . two opposite ends of the personality spectrum , and yet they mesh just fine .

he hopes for patience . for some silent understanding as to why he is he the way that he is . he's indulged her in parts of his past , but scampers over certain aspects . she knows enough to know the way that he works . the way that his love was loud in his own respective ways .

and her presence is enough to lessen the weight on his shoulders . enough to bring a smile to curl at the ends of his lips . her slender arms wrapping around him , a warmth that soothes him . a sigh of relief that falls from past his lips , because she's truly become a safety . " i'd rather not talk about it . tryin' this thing where work shit stays work shit , y'know ? " he hums , trying his best to balance his attention at his work , and also the way she peers at him .

" it's fine . i got it . how was your day ? "

[berztto]

i'd like to think carmy is a jealous person but i also fear he internalizes everything so it would never actually be that apparent that he is jealous............... squints.......

[berztto]

he thinks of how they meet , more so , how they collide . how seeing her makes everything else a little brighter . a little more palatable . life has not always been kind , and there's never once been a moment in which he's seen things through rose colored lenses ; a realist , a pessimistic , however which way you desire to paint him , he's always presented himself as a no bullshit kind of guy .

and what happens to that roughened exterior when someone as inconceivable waltzes into his life ? he's watched it slip . saw the way he's eased up , and how things that once held so much weight have begun to feel feather - light . it's an oddity that's so vehemently beyond him that he hasn't bothered to question it . he hasn't bothered to wait for the other shoe to fall . wrapped up in this sickly sweet spout of emotion , there's no room in his brain to anticipate the very worst .

fuck , if he's in for it . never allowed himself the space to be loved . has never felt deserving of it , really . who was he , in the very grand scheme of things , to have deserved a love like whitney ? no , he wouldn't question it because she's made every effort to remind him that he's deserving . he's grateful , more than she could ever begin to fathom .

hands are busied chopping away at green peppers when he hears the door swing open . a light that fills him to the very brim the second he hears her voice chiming in her arrival . let it be known that acts of service have forever remained his most natural love language , and it checks by the way he's always made her dinner . he's a little behind , now , solely because things at the restaurant hadn't wound down as eloquently as he desired .

" hey , you , " he hums at her arrival . " i'm almost done . . . promise . tonight was a shit - show , normally i'd have it done already , but . . . " a shrug at his shoulders , his gaze flickering towards her . " i'm glad you're here . " / @itsalltoobeautiful

[userparamore]

THE BEAR, 02.06 + Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

[berztto]

fatedtragedy​    .

somewhere deep down , alexandra knew that carmen was right . as long as she made kaia feel suffocated , the worst she would get . it’s something that she learned watching how their parents treated them after their overdose . even before the overdose . but , a little voice in the back of her head told her that she couldn’t leave kaia alone . that she couldn’t trust kaia’s word . how could she ? all kaia did was lie to get what she wanted , even if what she wanted could kill her . alex swallows , glancing away for a moment . she knew she shouldn’t be bringing this up to carmy , not so soon after he lost his own brother . shoulders shrug , struggling to form words for a moment . “ i guess , maybe , that kinda makes sense . i’m just worried about her , that’s all . ” then again , when isn’t she ? 

                          “ you’re always worried about her , alex . i’ve never not seen you worried about that kid , “ he offers , some semblance of a smile curling the ends of his lips . he gets it more than she knows . the worrying . how it’s so fucking consuming , and how you never realize how wrapped up you become in it until you talk to someone else about it . he tries his best to help . not just alex , but kaia as well . things were trickier with kaia , solely because it’s salt in a fresh wound . it’s opening doors that he thought he had locked and forgot about . that was carmen , always so preoccupied with tending to everyone around him that he neglects his own psyche . sink or swim , the mantra looping throughout his cerebrum .  “  i’m here , though , y’know   .   .   .   to help as much as i can . kaia’s short with me , but i do my best . i don’t ever know how to deal with her , it’s like waiting for a bomb to go off . can’t do anything but hope for the least amount of casualties . “

[ourblued]

parts of her wants to leave . parts of her wants to say fuck it , i quit . like before . instead , her hands clench into fists , tight . holding onto her own anger when she's faced with an upset carmy . nothing she hasn't dealt with beforehand . nothing she hasn't seen before , of all things . the matter with sydney is that she cares , too much -- too deep . it's become a sickness , even if she doesn't show it . even if her words can't come out , even when she says something sarcastic , she still cares . there's so much about her own disposition that makes things even worse , she contemplates . but with her hands closed into together , she can feel her fingernails dig at her own skin , letting out her own heavy sigh .

she's seen enough of him to stay . to count her own ground & stay , because she knows her worth , she knows who she is . who she could be , under his wing . all of this -- whatever it is , it's temporary , she wants to say . all pain is temporary , she's finding herself itching to say , at least -- the very least , wanting to be comforting to him . she wants to make things better , how does she make things better without upsetting him even more ? give him space ? tell him that he needs five ? sydney would do anything , if it meant that they'd be head to head , once again .

looking at the sight of him like this , with his veins popping out , red in the face -- it gives her some sort of peace . some little fragment of his anger turning into her anger & maybe , that's what binds them together . he looks . . . nice . no , that's inappropriate to think when he's raising his voice at her , causing her to flinch slight . eyes rolling back to her head , at his words , scoffing . she's unclenching her hands , letting out a deeper breath , careful . " i wasn't telling you i told you so , carmy . i was telling you none of this would've happened if you just . . " she's wavering herself , knowing that it would end badly , that they'd apologize in silence rather than talking about it fully . " i'm just saying , as someone who's a coworker , your listening skills fucking suck . "

[berztto]

he never manages to catch himself before he slips . anger was an emotion that demanded to be felt , and any sense of rational thinking exits the forefront of his mind whenever the red-hot emotion comes to a head . he doesn't think when he speaks , nor does he think when he raises his voice . a knee jerk reaction to the feelings that arise , all heavy handed and parasitic . the gravity of his words doesn't land until his brain registers the way sydney blinks back at him .

he doesn't register the fact that his inability to swallow down his own anger would be the reason he'd lose her . what an awful reality to face just a few seconds too late . a heavy breath taken , a little shaky and a little unnerved . a second taken to reel himself in , to let that reality settle beneath thick skin of his . she's always been so careful with her words , like walking on eggshells the very second he hits this point . he's grateful , for a moment , to have somebody who knows him well enough to not engage when he's at his worst .

he'll sigh , head shaking . she's right . since when is sydney NOT right ? " if i listened . none of this would have happened had i listened . right . which feels like an ' i told you so ' , but isn't , " he rationalizes , mostly to himself . the tension eases at his shoulders , absentmindedly correcting his posture . hands at his face , pads of his fingers boring into closed eyes .

arms crossed over his chest now , always on guard . always on the defense . " you're right . i'm sorry . i don't know where my head is at , and i shouldn't - you shouldn't be the one to deal with that . i'm sorry , alright . we good ? " gaze lifts to meet her own , and it almost hurts worse to look at her . someone who he's always thought so highly of , from the very second he saw her . to let her down . to let her feel the very brunt of his own issues . another sigh draws from his lips , an internalized frustration that she'd never really know about .

" we'll figure this shit out . we always do , right ? "

[userparamore]

#if smoking bad, why hot? 🧐

JEREMY ALLEN WHITE as CARMY the bear | 02.01

[ourblued]

this is nice , sydney thinks . the fact that he thinks they need inspiration -- cooking or decoration wise ? that's the thing that pops into her head , although , seeing him unwind was better than nothing -- plus , she knows how it feels to always be in her head all time : she can tell he does the same thing , whether they're in the restaurant , or even if they're out in public , doing mundane things that would help them be better at it . be better at cooking , at being friendlier to the customers that would come into the bear . sydney likes how normal it is , to be near someone like him that isn't in a work environmental place & she can feel free to be herself . herself , she hasn't felt like herself in a long time . . yet , being around him makes her feel at ease . soothed , in some type of way . of course , she's pushing those ideas at the back of her mind , wanting to keep it at a distance .

sydney feels complete in his presence , she feels like she can do anything , if he was right there , by her side . she's allowing for the setting to seep in : for her feelings to be there , but not entirely present . she doesn't want to fuck anything up -- not more than she thinks she has , in fact . eyes traveling over to the other , shadowing details of his face , his tattoos , back to his own eyes , how beautiful they are , bright . blue , like the ocean & she could get lost in them . her train of thought comes back when he's speaking , a small jolt in her body in the chair , nodding her head . " it wouldn't hurt to be friendly , y'know . . " she shrugs her shoulders , keeping her hands at bay , almost nervous . but she shouldn't be , it's not like she's on a blind date & she doesn't know the man . she knows carmy , a bit too well .

she's absentmindedly looking over at the menu , almost getting ideas of what they should do . as a cook , yes . but as a customer ? she doesn't know what she's getting herself into . getting lost in her own thoughts , the flavoring of her palette coming to mind as she's flipping over the pages , back & forth , humming softly . as if on a date . but it's not a date , it's not a -- date . no , it's just a nice dinner ? lunch ? between chefs . cooks . friends . nothing more than that , right ? right . . or so she thinks . the way that she looks to him , allowing for her simple heart to flutter , then looks back at the menu . " but have we ? i mean , there's things in here that we could do ! it wouldn't hurt to expand , carmy . "

[berztto]

he's still navigating all of this . these fucking feelings that have wound themselves up so tightly within the confinements of his chest . there are times in which it's almost unbearable to glance over at sydney without feeling as if he just might detonate . tongue raw from being bitten , because he's not going to be the one to fuck up their dynamic . he's grateful for her , and although his behavior hasn't always entirely been reflective of that , he just hopes that she knows it . hopes that she's aware .

and maybe that's another big reason he does this . why he drags her out . a silent apology . a silent admission of his feelings , in the way that his love language always felt like small acts of kindness . subtle . because it's all that he can ever really stomach . he's never really had what he has with sydney . it feels like something unconditional , because they've seen one another at their very worst . they've seen each other at their lowest , encouraged one another until they were at their best . it was something that went beyond the realm of what he's ever experienced , and it's the reason as to why he avoids that painful conversation . how could he afford to lose her ? to lose this ? his stomach turns at the thought , and he's left swallowing down those feelings to remain as composed as he can be . " what , i'm not friendly ? " he cracks a smile , light laughter woven within his words .

nervously , his gaze flutters around the room . quietly taking notes in the very back of his mind . all the little details , the lighting and the overall ambiance . tabled for another day the second his gaze falls back to syd . leaning back in his seat , simply observing the way her hungry gaze drink in every little detail . a smile that threatens to twitch at the ends of his lips , quickly stifled when she peers up at him . a shrug at his shoulders , a hand nervously carding through disheveled tresses . " i'll take it into consideration , chef . i'm still confident we've done better , though . "

[berztto]

fatedtragedy​   . 

kaia intentionally uses those words , not wanting to give him any solid answers . being the same could mean almost anything for kaia and she knew that . maybe it was petty of them to not give carmy a straight answer , but they feel like that’s what he deserves . at the very least . if he was here or even bothered to stay in contact , he wouldn’t have to worry about her and how she’s doing . shoulders shrug once again , not bothering to look his way . “ it just means that i’ve been the same , carmy . ” eyes narrow when those words blurt out , scoffing underneath her breath . “ yeah , well , that doesn’t really matter if you didn’t even try . does it ? ” words are bitter as they leave her , tilting her head to the side . “ you don’t have to lie to me to make the situation better , carmy . honestly . “

                               it’s this daunting vague energy that leaves him uneasy . he’s all too aware of every word that drips from past his lips , and he almost wants to opt for silence rather than poke at whatever dwelling emotions that settle within kaia . they’ve never really been good at telling him what’s going on in their head , and carmy’s never been good at filling in the blanks . a blunt demeanor , makes it easy to address most things . it all blurred over a little when it came to vulnerable shades of emotions , but he’d make an honest effort . a sigh that parts his lips , feeling a little defeated by now .  “  i’m not lying . why would i lie to you ? what would i gain from that ? “ he questions , a brow quirked . kaia has always seen right through him , and he’s learned that lying to them has always done more harm than it has done good . 

[fatedtragedygone]

kaia’s never dealt with abandonment well . whether it’s direct abandonment or just leaving how carmy did , she’s never really learned how to deal with it in a healthy matter . not that they’re doing anything to learn healthy coping methods . she can hear alex’s voice in the back of her heard , suggesting therapy and how much it’s helped her . as far as they were concerned , therapy was a waste of their time and money . she was doing perfectly fine without it , if you ignored the substance abuse . kaia’s just glad she didn’t get too high before she came here , it would’ve done nothing but cause an argument . “ yeah . y’know , i’ve been pretty much the same . ” at least that’s not a lie .

[berztto]

pretty much been the same , which is neither here nor there . could mean anything , really . what was the same ? the nasty coping mechanism she'd never seem to shake , or the bouncing in and out of rehab ? he'll sigh , nodding his head . he wishes this weren't so awkward . he wishes he would've called . done something to alleviate this subtle ache that sat between the two of them . " i can't tell if that's good or not , " he expressed , rolling his shoulders to alleviate the budding tension . " i would've called , " he blurts out , a little bit here and a little bit there . somewhere caught in the midst of his own unsteady stream of thoughts . anything to avoid overstepping , really . " it's just - the timezones , 'n shit . . . i didn't wanna call at the wrong time , wake you up or somethin' . "

[fatedtragedygone]

alexandra’s painfully aware of how dependent she is on her older sister . granted , she’s also aware of how the codepency effects kaia more than it could ever affect her . sure , she had her own issues . but , everyone knew how bad kaia could get when things were rough on them . so , as much as she’d love to threaten kaia with losing her if she didn’t get her act together , she didn’t think it would do anything to help either of them . besides , alex wouldn’t be able to live with herself if kaia did something because of that . “ i’m not gonna burn myself out . ” but even alexandra isn’t too sure about that . “ what do you expect me to do then ? abandon her ? i’m not giving up on my sister . ”

[berztto]

" i never told you to abandon her , " he's quick to interject . knowing full & well the extent of kaia's issues with abandonment . another dejected sigh that escapes him , because he's not fully cognizant of how exhausting this cycle is until it's right in his face . . . again . knows both ends of this argument , loving an addict and being an addict . there's no foolproof method . there's no dummy's guide on dealing with addicts that would ever be one hundred percent accurate . " listen - i've been on both ends of this situation . i promise you this . . . kaia will never get better if you hover . they'll never get better if they feel like they're constantly suffocated . she'll learn on her own terms , but not with you breathing down her neck . when someone tells you to do something , you no longer wanna fuckin' do it . let her circle the drain a few hundred times , eventually she'll get too close to bottoming out and it'll start making sense . "

[darktalewhisperer]

"When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not."

- Richard Kadrey, Aloha from Hell

[berztto]

you don't get to be mad at me!

a scoff that rolls past his lips , in partial disbelief in regards to the words that came from the other . keeps his hands preoccupied , tending to prep work that demanded to be done . he'll play it off as if he hasn't got the time for a conversation like this . doesn't have the energy to expend on something so trivial . something that pales in comparison to the multitude of things on his plate .

typical , biting off more than he can chew . left with the mess that only he's made for himself . gaze peers up at the other , eyes narrowed . " who gets the say in that ? you ? " it's almost accusatory the way in which he speaks . a frustration that finds itself at the surface , because his mind has been in a million places it didn't need to be .

" i do , actually . i do get to be mad , and i really don't appreciate you barging in here to tell me that i can't be , " a bite of a response , his hands flush against the cool stainless steel . " now , you can either help me or get the fuck out . your choice , but i'm not talking about this anymore . "

[trueloveistreacherous]

You could do this without me. I couldn’t do it without you. Yeah, you could. I wouldn’t even wanna do it without you. You know, you…..you make me better at this. You make me better at this.

Jeremy Allen White and Ayo Edebiri as Carmen Berzatto and Sydney Adamu in season 2 of The Bear (2022-present) created by Christopher Storer