[bethhyyc]

I promise to love you and cherish you,

To support your every dream,

To treasure our time together and to show you how much you mean to me.

I promise to be there to comfort and support you through difficult times,

And to celebrate with you through the good times.

You changed my life completely, and filled my life with more joy than I thought possible.

So I promise to spend the rest of my life sharing this joy with you.

Today is an unimportant day. We have been back in each others lives for 4 months.

One day I will speak these vows to you.

[fil-jannah]

“ Once a heart gets too heavy with pain, people don’t cry. They just turn silent. Completely silent. ”

- Unknown

[goldenpaint]

I ask my self 48 times a day “am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?” the answer is always yes of course

[bethhyc]

No book ever feels so real as reading turtles all the way down in the midst of an ongoing crisis, on world mental health day, late at night.

The whole story is so beautiful and accurate but the last 2 pages are the ones that break me because this is the only story I have ever read where I connect so entirely with the non- first person character.

The uncertainty of the future is too painful to even think about and my brain is spiralling so fast I don't even have time to listen to the intrusive thoughts, it just hits me like a wave of emotions so painful I cant fully explain or even comprehend them.

[bethhyyc]

I am captured by the presence of words coming to life. Time stands still, meaningless but beautiful. I understand my insignificance in the great universe of insignificance. You explain my worth. Emotions flooding; I rediscover that which was lost and a new healing has begun. The grayscale gives way to muted colours. The familiar call to pain - understood, accepted, appreciated.

[bethhyyc]

How do you explain to someone you love that sometimes the tiniest of things can cause an avalanche that buries you so deep that you can’t escape? How do you explain that they caused you to break when you were so fragile that it could have been anything?

How can you say ‘no it’s all fine, it wasn’t your fault’ when they did something that upset you? But how can you say ‘it’s your fault’ when it’s mostly your broken brain that’s the problem?

How do you live knowing that you are broken, knowing that being close to people causes them to suffer, causes their families to suffer?

How do you say sorry for the inconvenience, sorry for upsetting everyone, when you know it will probably happen again, when you know that you’re not supposed to have to be sorry for being broken?

How do you approach the feelings of guilt and embarrassment that come with knowing you’re supposed to be a better person, when the world is telling you you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilty for being broken?

How is it possible to accept yourself when your feelings about yourself are entwined so closely with how you make other people feel?

Do you just tell them ‘I’m just exhausted and stressed’ because that is part of it? Do you just tell them ‘I don’t know, I’m a mess, I’m sorry’ because that is also true?

Do you just write a list of questions and hope they can understand something they have never experienced?

How can you expect them to still love you after all of that?

[bethhyyc]

I watched your veins light up as I travelled fast away from your heart. Watching the accelerating beat made me glad to escape. To rediscover the quiet. The space I needed to calm my ever spiralling thoughts was comforting but spoiled all too soon. I returned with the sun and realised things look so different in the day than in the darkness of night. I return to the familiar noises and pressures of my life as I always do; with a bittersweet appreciation of my life.