happy thanksgiving 🍁🧡
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Not today Justin
Today's Document
YOU ARE THE REASON
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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we're not kids anymore.
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if i look back, i am lost
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@betsiwithani
happy thanksgiving 🍁🧡
I forgot how much I love playing in heels. 👠
The Lilly Pads
Today is Tuesday. It’s snowing. I think my wisdom teeth have calmed down on coming in and I have a moment to really assess all the other stuff that I’ve been weathering lately. I went to New Hampshire this past weekend. To see Ani. And in the grand scheme, that is not a big deal. But to me, it was. And is. And I respect the weight of what I did.
For me, going to work daily can be a steep ask. I have had days where I get to the office, sit in the parking lot and cry for an hour. Just cos it’s the feeling of the moment. I do it at supermarkets. I’m great at parties.
The time I think it happens the least is when I am lilly-pad jumping. When I have work, then a concert, then shopping, then a drop-off, then a show, then an acceptance of something. Those times, where I am on one stone about to jump to the next, I cannot cry. There is no time. So when I am busy - I feel happy, because there is no time to feel sad. When I stop and take time for myself, my mood gets cloudy. I retreat and hide and hibernate, and I close off from everyone. My phone goes off for days.
I didn’t really mean to make this a depressing post. It’s actually supposed to be uplifting (I told you, i’m great at parties).
I sat in that theater, and watched probably my biggest hero of my world, perform and bring together a group of strangers and she played songs I have loved and never heard live, and said things in new ways and shined light on old things. I cried. It was a beautiful, liberating show, and I loved every fucking second of it.
I got a hotel by myself. I rode elevators by myself. I parked in new parking lots and walked past buskers at 11 at night in a town I don’t know. This all felt surreal but right. And this is probably normal for most of you reading this - but for me, this is not normal. This has been a struggle for a long time for me.
I had the wherewithal to organize a trip, by myself, and go do something, by myself, in a place I’ve never been and don’t know. A year ago, this would have been in impossible task. A month ago, even. Instead of caution, I chose to jump on my lily pads and just do it. I survived. An accomplishment. I got home on Sunday, and collapsed and slept. I was simply exhausted and my body made itself sleep, but I got no relief. I wanted to get up and go again.
So. Maybe. Maybe I learn from this, that when I want to dip deep in the paint bucket of emotion and let my feelings run amok, I stop jumping and I settle and observe. When I want to cultivate and collect and experience, I jump.
Maybe.
I get to work on Monday morning and pull the unicorn calendar. This calendar has a habit of telling the future. There’s a fortune-cookie style saying on every day. Always eerily significant. My sister asked me on Sunday about planning a trip to Seattle, and the Saturday/Sunday page of the calendar read “Yes, a plane ticket across the country, or even the world, is the perfect impulse buy. Do it.”
I laughed, and tore that one off, and then saw Monday’s: “Decide how much you really want it.”
I cried.
I needed to dismantle the recording setup to do laundry, so in the meantime to be productive, the first track, down with doubt, is up on @bandcamp 2014 was a tumultuous year for me. Everything spun out of control and in new directions - and I was TERRIFIED to make changes. It was a year of learning myself, learning people, and also ultimately events that are still teaching me today. This album is an homage to those hard lessons, the embrace of change and the poetry of it all. Making this music has been cathartic for me so far, and for that, it is SOOOO worth it all. I hope you enjoy as well ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/B1lpyuKgyvKDdSzBVISqxjhQkBWJXo-d5HF5Mg0/?igshid=97j1d0yq5hg0
More WARREN ZONE ❤️ take a minute and reflect on how you’re feeling. I always do to these. It helps. https://www.instagram.com/p/By33maAgKa4/?igshid=ulcng6m44zof
Really, this calendar cannot be any more dead on. Plus it’s yellow. I mean...c’mon. https://www.instagram.com/p/Byz9c_cALTt/?igshid=yc9uyl8c32a0
memory of memories: @levonhelmstudios is such a spiritual space. The people are lovely. I discovered @gracieandrachel (and scored a CD yeeesss please). What a dynamic duo with haunting harmonies and so charismatic. Love them. Seeing @anidifranco here with my mom tonight just about satisfied all my birthday wishes. And then I saw @amandapalmer enjoying the scene as well and that’s about when I started crying...for most of the night. Happiness. Our seat neighbors were oh so friendly and one shared an old bootleg file with me (thanks mike ❤️) The sound tech was kind enough to let me have her setlist (my first one EVER) and I felt like my contribution to the community food table did some Ani justice 💪. My heart is full. . . . #anidifranco #amandapalmer #gracieandrachel #levonhelm #angelfood #kindnessalwayswins (at Levon Helm Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/Byy8vJYgb8Z/?igshid=1h3fv5lz7q14n
Songs to work on. I have a plan. https://www.instagram.com/p/BysWkf3AFYu/?igshid=tt5mjqlx0wxy
Because life is unpredictable and crazy, I got to Helsinki way after 6 and still managed to have a choice of 6 spots. Then I had to hit the restroom because I put my pants on inside out before I left the house. See you there, check your attire before you head out 🍴 https://www.instagram.com/p/BylicbAgitD/?igshid=pisgno9e0m39
ALL THE YES https://www.instagram.com/p/ByiK1Y6gnf4/?igshid=3bozbo2j58kc
I have the BEST friends and I love my life. (at Hudson, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bydbo7EAdsl/?igshid=y053xo3quc02
My singing view today. I’ll take it. https://www.instagram.com/p/Byc01iJAi5P/?igshid=15c92vibyrp55
my meditation partner #catsofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/ByTcvslAg_n/?igshid=14c392yxvoq46
good morning. we made music last night. my heart is happy. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwwUU1hhbJ4/?igshid=3t2z8tteh178
MURDEROUS MONOSYLLABIC MORON WITH NO SENSE OF PURPOSE working on your songs all night to justify your worthlessness TO ANYONE WHO’S WATCHING IF THEY ONLY SAW YOUR ALTER EGO pretty in the shop window and you got auctioned hours ago #afp
wednesday feels
there is a crack in everything that’s how the light gets in #selfie