In June 2015, I undertook one of the most “extreme” challenge I could personally take: enrolling in a Vipassana meditation course. There aren’t many things that scare me in this world; well, a few - but generally I’m pretty much up for trying new things, but this wasn’t one of them.
When I first heard of Vipassana from a close friend of mine three years ago - I said I could never do it. He said it was life changing. That it helped him rid quite a bit of baggage, and he’s sure it’d do the same for me. Ten days with no speaking, eye contact, reading, writing, or generally any kind of distraction was scary to the point that it’s unthinkable. What would become of me? I’m the type of person who can’t even watch a TV show without multi tasking. At my worst, ten minutes with nothing to do, and I’ve found myself almost crying - over thinking engine on full capacity.
However, life throws you lemons from time to time. Some lemons are bigger, harder, and more sour than others. And when I find myself struggling to process these lemons into lemonades, even with help from professionals, I knew I needed to do something drastic. Part lemons, and part the need to challenge myself after a year of unemployment, I finally took the plunge and signed myself up for the course in Kintamani, Bali.
I had heard that many had to leave the course before the ten days are up. I was determined to do finish the course, especially since we were told that leaving before the ten days are up could be a real disadvantage, and that finishing the course on 2nd try would be much harder.
Someone had told me no amount of meditation practice could prepare you for ten hours a day of meditation for ten days. So I didn’t practice. And to be honest, I didn’t read much more about the course, so I was intrigued when the introductory video said I will learn of a technique to eradicate misery. Damn, I’ve spent WAY more than that time learning much more useless things. I was excited!
Disclaimer: As I mentioned, I took the course without knowing much about it, based on words that it’s really quite worthwhile, and the fact that 200 centres are active by donation only, and donators had to have finished a 10-day course. If you choose to read about my experience below, it may give you suggestions which may hinder your practice. I highly recommend that you do not read the paragraphs below, unless you have completed a ten day course yourself, or do not plan to ever enroll in a course.
Upon arrival at the ashram, I turned in all temptations - cell phone, books, pens, food. It was freeing to be rid of these things. I thought of times I have spent on myself previously. It was always “productive” - travelling and discovering new places and cultures for the first time, learning a new language or a new sport, building meaningful relationships - and I can’t help to think that I may be wasting ten precious days that I have to be alone. I thought of the amount of things I learned about the world and myself on my seven day trip to Iceland. I got to see an entire country! Heard Icelandic sagas and poems for the first time! Learned how to drive a manual car! Hung out with cows and sheeps and tried whale meat! What am I doing, ten days in one tiny ashram without talking to anyone?
I quickly pushed the thought aside, and looked around for distraction (classic me). I saw a girl sitting at a place with a nice view. I sat beside her and wondered if she prefers to be left alone. Meh, I thought, we have ten days to be alone. I introduced myself to who I shall refer to as “Norway” from here on - because that’s where she hailed to Bali from. Norway came here to find her passion, she quickly disclosed to me. Some people are passionate about kitchens. Some about closets. She had spent the last month in a jungle house in Bali, to escape the “noisiness” of Norway. I came to escape the “noisiness” in Jakarta, and I would love to escape to Scandinavia. The thought that someone is doing the opposite is baffling!
Norway and I became quick friends, based on my knowledge & experience of Scandinavian culture and the fact that we turned out to have very similar personalities. I was a little reluctant when another girl joined us, but “Brazil” became my second Vipassana friend. Others eventually joined us, but our trio stuck together through the rest of the two hours when we were still allowed to talk. Our quick friendship was another reason to stay - we had no pens and no phones, and thus no way to exchange contact info before the ten days are over.
The first day was long. I had difficulty focussing on my breathing. The task was so simple, but it was so difficult to follow because I am so used to meditation techniques that require me to mentally picture something. It’s so difficult to focus on something as mundane as your natural breath. My mind was full of thoughts of this and that - recent happenings, did I remember to turn my AC off at home? I forgot to ask Norway this or that. That girl from Austria seemed nice, etc etc. It was difficult to focus, but I made it. The first discourse was enlightening, and quickly became my favorite part of the daily routines.
On the first night I had a strange dream. It was horror-like, and strange in the way that I wasn’t the main character in the dream. She was a teenage girl, narrating the story. Such strangeness. Teacher said it’s nothing to worry about.
The second day was easier. I napped every chance I got. I’m either meditating, or napping. We were warned that the 2nd and 6th days was most difficult, so I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t struggle too much. My mind was still super agitated - and I find myself thinking of heavy, depressing issues that I have not worked through. I let myself think of them, and try to troubleshoot, to face them head on. But I was also constantly reminded to go back to feeling the touch of the breath. I found the food to be very good, though simple. I enjoyed lunch the most - I was scared they’d ration our food, but it was served all you can eat style.
The third day was tough. I napped through the beginning of a group sitting, and got talked to. I wasn’t able to experience what I’m supposed to experience, and I was starting to get anxious, as the technique to be taught on the fourth day is built on today’s learnings. Difficult thoughts kept pushing their way into my head, and they become a burden. I cried softly during my meditation, and I wondered how the six volunteers are going to handle 60+ people with such deep emotions by the tenth day. I thought I’d be bawling by then, if this continues. I asked the teacher if it’s OK for me to continue while being behind on the experience and she said “yes, we will move on no matter what”. Not so convincing.
Starting the fourth day, my brain becomes quieter. I no longer thought of the small, recent happenings. The attack of depressing thoughts also quieted down. We were taught the Vipassana technique, and I was so happy when I could feel what we were supposed to experience.Happy day! I thought. At five, I got super hungry. And we only get fruits for dinner. So, so hungry. But hunger, I can handle. I can do this! I might just have a chance to eradicate my misery!
On the fifth day, a lady made eye contact with me. And she smiled. It warmed my heart. And so did sitting beside Brazil and Norway during meal times. Although we were not allowed to talk, or even look at each other, sitting beside each other gave us strength. Cutting my nail became such a treat - the short time I got to focus on something other than my own thoughts. So was washing clothes - I have never enjoyed washing clothes as much as I did during the course.
Thoughts from decades ago came back - thoughts I never even knew were significant. Memories I had forgotten I’d had. People that hadn’t crossed my mind at all. It was amazing how different feelings attached to these memories came up - how I could still feel so strongly about things I have buried deep in my mind is scary to say the least. It’s another reason to stay.
The sixth day was difficult - I realized I had only few more days to work, and that my progress has been mediocre. I kept falling asleep during meditations, and sometimes it’s easier to let your mind go blank than to practice. And it’s easier still to entertain thoughts from my head, to let myself indulge in whatever thoughts come to mind, especially the long-forgotten ones.
The same anxiousness from the third day was beginning to build. I was panicking that I was not developing as much as others had. I kept falling asleep during my 4:30-6:30 practice, while a girl across from my bed sit so still everyday during this time she scared me! During my 8-9 session I felt truly desperate. I felt this is useless, that I am wasting my time because my mind is un-tameable. That there’s nothing wrong with an agitated mind - everyone goes through life with distractions, no big deal. Then I had to deal with my mind telling myself that I am a coward, that I needed to learn and I need to focus, not to give excuses. And so on.
On my 9-11 session suddenly I felt a strong heat going through my body, part by part, before I could feel it on my entire body. The heat was intense - at one point I even felt my throat burn. I was SO excited to tell the teacher; I could almost run to her; but She responded with “yes, that is a strong sensation. you need to observe it, and not to react to it. Do not cling to the feeling!”, with the calmest tone of voice. Oops! I suppose running to her is just about the opposite of what I was supposed to do :P
The sixth day was also hard for Norway. Visibly so even without the ability to talk to each other. And I struggled to see her in pain and not be able to help. I wanted to comfort her, to ask if she’s OK. At night, a rat was sighted in our sleeping quarters. 8 girls kept quiet and just shone our headlights on the rat, which is quite impressive.
The seventh day was the hardest for me. Hours after hours of sitting, unable to feel any sensations. It reminded me of hours after hours of sitting at the library at my university campus, staring at problem sets to be solved that I can’t seem to get my head around. It reminded me of the desperation during those times; knowing that I must be able to solve them in a day or a week in order to pass, but they make absolutely no sense at all and I can’t pull together the will power to plough through them. Seeing people around me focus on their meditation reminded me of friends who worked so hard on these problem sets and made great marks, while I’d give up and Reddit instead. Several hours would pass and I’d make no progress on the difficult concepts, as others who struggled with me in the beginning began to make strides. I felt like a failure again, sitting and meditating with my mind wandering to whatever I want instead of what I ought to be doing.
This realization about myself is a difficult one to face. Whereas in school we had TA’s and bellcurves to help us, there’s no such help when it comes to our own mental well being and misery. I had to somehow muster up enough self-discipline focus on the meditations during this time, since I’ve already done seven days of silence and taken the time to do this for myself.
During the afternoon session, something quite magical happened. I felt a strong heavy sensation on the top of my head, and the heavy sensation continued down my skull and face, and all the way down my body. It was strange, as the sensation is just that - heavy - but I then recognized it triggered an emotion. Sadness. A heavy heart. The next round was a strong vibration. It followed the same pattern of being consistent throughout my body, and I quickly recognized the “butterfly in your stomach” feeling, the kind you feel when you touch a crush’s hand for the first time. Then came a cold sensation, a coldness that feels like it’s winding it’s way around your body and squeezing your inside - nervousness, perhaps known as cold feet. Followed by a different kind of coldness - exhilaration, the feeling I get when sailing the open seas or standing at the top of a ski hill ready to plunge myself downwards.
I got out of the meditation hall feeling like I can do anything - why would I need to chase these sensations outside, if in fact my body can produce these sensations just sitting there? It was unreal! Speaking to the teacher excitedly again (when will I learn?), I was quickly reminded that I was supposed to remain equanimous. Well, darn! My reaction was nowhere near calm. I was jumping up and down and craving to have more of these sensations. A huge fail. But still, this experience pulled my focus in again for the rest of the day, though nothing like it came again, even til the last day of the course.
The eighth day started with such high hopes. I thought after seventh day’s experience, things would get even more exciting. Well, they didn’t. And yet I learned something new: that the gross sensations - life’s ups and downs - don’t bother me too much. It’s the still silence that bothers me more. It’s the period between the sensations - it’s why I chase extreme experiences, travelling and the like - so that I can feel the exhilaration, feel the nervousness, feel the fear, and feel alive. The times in between is when I start questioning the value of life. The reason why I hold on through the nothingness. The pain, I consider a test - an obstacle to get through. Something I must learn to face so I could come out a better person. The nothingness feels like a complete waste of time.
Again, the whole eighth day was long and strenuous. I barely was able to keep my attention on the topic at hand, since I still felt nothing at all. I tried my hardest to not crave for those sensation - or any sensations at all, to feel the “flow” I’m supposed to experience. I was also starting to panic, since there’s only less than 2 days left to practice. I have a lot of sangkara’s to unload, goshdarnit! lol
It was again in the afternoon that I finally felt something. The flow - on my shoulders and down to my hands. Felt like little ants moving all over me. This increased my focus tenfold as I try to push the flow to other parts of my body. One by one, I eliminated each of the blank areas, until I reached the point where I can feel it flow through my entire body. It wasn’t too long before the flow on my legs were replaced with pain. I did as I was told - to observe the pain. Continue to push the flow through areas where I can, and pay close attention to the pain without reacting to it. The pain grew and grew, until a point where it disappeared - or I stopped noticing. The pain reappeared a short while later, but less intense. I continued to observe until it disappeared once more. After a few cycles of this - each decreasing in intensity compared to the one before, I felt a lightness. Lightness through my entire body, and no more flow. From the discourses and instructions, I learned that I have just experienced a sangkara dissipating for the first time.
With this, came a new motivation to keep practising. Hunger is more evident with each day of the course. I truly appreciated every slice of fruits I get during tea time. I cut them up into tiny little pieces, and eat every piece slowly and mindfully. At home I take them for granted and shove them into my mouth as quickly as I can so I could move along to the next task, but here I learned to take my time and focus on the food that has been given to sustain me.
The ninth day was ridiculous. The pressure was no good for me - I kept feeling guilty whenever my focus wanders, but yet fun thoughts kept tempting me. I’d give in and entertain the thoughts awhile, thinking it’s better to get it over with so I could focus - but I couldn’t. I’d try to focus and my mind would wander to yet another fun thought. Thoughts of tomorrow and finally being to talk again. Fear of it being tomorrow and I’ve not gotten rid of any more sangkara’s. Whether or not I should go to Ubud. If I would ever go on another retreat. The list of things to think about grew longer as the day passed by. I never amounted to much on this day, which is such a shame.
The tenth day, we learned another meditation technique; one that would help us spread the benefits of Vipassana meditation to others. After this, starting at 10AM, we are allowed to talk once more! We all became instant friends after ten days of being with each other 24/7 but unable to speak. As the evening closed in, I noticed just how tired I was, and how much effort it took to just be social.
And the next day, we’re back to the real world! I will write about my reflections on the next blog post!
