I think i’ve been avoiding writing my thoughts on a page for a while now. Watching them turn from floating words in my mind to formed sentences on a glowing white screen has seemed like the hardest thing for a while now....especially since i’m so afraid of everything thats happened to me or is happening to me.
The truth is I’ve lost a lot of people this year.
I’ve lost lots of people, hurt myself and hurt others. I never even meant for any of it to happen but thats just life right...shit happens?
I made a lot of mistakes and you know and sometimes its hard to accept that. I know i’m a human who needs to vent a lot. I know I’m a human with so many thoughts going through my mind that perhaps its not always healthy. I struggle so much with myself. I want to accept everything that has happened to me but I’m just not sure if I can....and if i can how long will it take till I’m fine again back to the happier version of myself?
I’m afraid I am a bad person....
I’d like to start my next thought by noting best friends are fucking over rated.
See I had two ‘best friends’ The first was a best friend that i’d grown up with and known since i was 5 and she apparently couldn’t handle my shit anymore. My complaining, the “drama.” I know part of the reason we aren’t friends anymore is because of me. I struggle with that knowledge. I just thought i was doing everything right you know? I thought I was being a good friend....i thought always being there counted for something....maybe I was wrong.
The second ‘best friend’ was my ‘best friend’ of almost 8 years, she was going through something....not sure if she still is not even sure why i’m even here writing this but i feel like it was inevitable (my feelings not the situation). Anyway she was going through something. Something that shouldn’t have affected anyone the way that it did but it did. Someone rejected her last year, someone she grew to like very deeply and it turned her very bitter. It was so hard to watch her hurting, so hard to hear that she’d cried herself to sleep or struggled to walk down the halls at uni to begin with. To begin with I thought she just needed time. So I showed up to her house with pizza and flowers, chocolates. We talked about it for hours watched movies. Then we hung out more did similiar things ate talked for weeks for days for months then I met someone and I realised that i was afraid to share my happiness with her because she’d become so fixated on this sadness and this bitterness towards men. I never blamed her not at the time I understood she was going through something but eventually when i told her everything changed even more so.
She hated that I was happy and she was sad and she was struggling and I hated that she was always fucking struggling and snapping and confusing and picking fights with me? Stupid insignificant fights with me. I became bitter towards her.
HOWEVER i’d like to note this was after 8 months of trying so hard be understanding.
I couldn’t handle the fact that every time I gave my opinion and it didn’t match hers we’d get into a disagreement and I KNOW she thought the same of me. But her perspectives were just so god damn narrow and personal. She thought everything everyone did was a personal attack on her i was ridiculous. I wanted to be there for her, I’ve never not. I’ve never stopped loving or caring but when she turned on me, decided I was the enemy for simply disagreeing at times I couldn’t. We became toxic because we didn’t speak to each other anymore we spoke about each other. I went on her Facebook one night because i wanted to know, i needed to know what is it what is it she actually thought of me? Because one day she was good the next we were fighting over something stupid all over again and it was there I found my answer: We weren’t best friends and we had never been best friends.
I literally feel like I’m floating around in this world sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I don’t relate to anybody.
I feel like everybody bothers me.
I feel like I bother everybody.
I feel like my beautiful, soft hearted, amazing boyfriend gets sick of me when I over vent and i’d understand why.
My thoughts are always so intense.
I’m always so bothered lately and I don’t know maybe it has to do with the fact that i’ve lost people in the last year or so people that used to handle my venting in a way that was comforting. Not saying he doesn’t. He’s always there for me and I love the shit out of him i’d be so lost without him, but he’s a new person in my life.... like sometimes I miss my old runners and I wear them instead of my new just for that feeling, that KIND of comfort as opposed to the other KIND of comfort..... I know he will always be there and god I am so grateful I can’t even explain it but sometimes you just want your girls you know? sometimes you just want a hug from one of your girls but I mean now i look at all the girls who have betrayed me and I wonder....i wonder if i even want friends anymore like that.....friends that close? I wonder if i will ever trust anyone fully ever again. I’d love to. I have a very hard time with trust i have had for years. i just want a friend whose here physically and mentally who understands my trust issues and would never cross me the way i’ve been crossed but the thing is I thought i had that and then it turned un true it turned out that I didn’t it just LOOKED like I had that. Now I’m alone as fuck in my own brain no girl guidance, no sister to turn to. That sounds like I don’t have any friends. I know i do. I love them but my love has changed....I’ve changed. I’m more afraid then I have ever been of my thoughts of what people say....if they mean what they say...if they really want to be around me or if they’re just pretending like my friend of 15 years did....Or if they’re saying everything good then they’re going behind my back and bitching to their brothers about how much of a bitch I am for not agreeing with them on something.
Is this the reality of people? Not saying I am perfect or I’ve never made mistakes. I know that in every relationship each have their faults but i would of never bagged them for their life choices, appearance, boyfriend simply because they didn’t agree with me. I would of never made them feel like shit for crying when I was sad too. This is my reality now though and the truth is I don’t know when I will feel better. I don’t know if it gets better...okay thats a lie I believe it does...I’d like to believe it does but there are times when I feel like it wont....I think i have some type of depression and I don’t know how to fix it. i’ve lost two people who had a great impact on my life, two people I thought would always ALWAYS be there even if others weren’t and thats fucking hard. It’s so fucking hard. Life is hard right now and I pray to god it gets better because fuck. I am living across the border from the only person who I feel like REALLY cares about me right now, the only person I really want to touch and every body around me makes me feel like I’m suffocating and it’s so fucking HARD.
From the girl whose always smiling.