bewhy / byang

Pull through, stay true. | est. 2010

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socialist realism by trisha low

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(c) jennet liaw

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home & home. by brent, on film

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http://shota.plus/photographs

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kevin is this u

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@jceyang

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I... do not remember who took these I’m sorry

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Has it really been a whole month? Is that the longest I’ve been gone? I guess it was fine for a few days or weeks but the absence of busyness has made me antsy & forced [me] to confront myself. And ask,

“What do I want to be? 

to do?

to feel?”

haven’t written in a month. journal entry from today.

[bewhy]

Hows your day going?? Im not sure what its like there but i find my way back to your profile time to time i hope things go well for you.. Goodluck alright

hello who are u

[bewhy]

wew its been a damn while since ive written here but hello. i just watched my 2017 1 second every day vid and it made me realize how lovely college was but also how difficult it also was sometimes. but also recently i have realized that my circumstances can change but what seems to be constant is ... me? like . sometimes i am just sad . and sometimes it aligns with what’s going on externally so i can correlate and say it’s causation but i’m also sad for no discernable reason sometimes and that’s ok too

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all my problems are stupid and petty. i just want my apartment to be finished and to get off work at reasonable hour and not feel so awful about myself after.

that’s not even asking to sleep enough or eat well or exercise a nonzero amount

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how do i force myself to cry!!!

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on good days i get things done and chat with folks and it’s fine

on bad days i feel like i’m understanding nothing and i’m underexperienced and unqualified for my job, like i’m the youngest one around (fact) and no one wants a baby in the office (speculation), like i’m so alone and unwanted and stupid

i just feel like... maybe they hired too early in the year and couldn’t take back an offer because there are probably and certainly more qualified people with the same skillset

i feel like i’m here by mistake, that it’s a mistake that gave me this job

i constantly want to prove myself to myself and to my team and my manager, idk how or when or if that will ever happen

i just want to know what i’m doing (but i guess not knowing what ur doing is part of the job)

coming home tired stressed deflated and my stomach kind of hurts. i have no appetite.

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i should post more on here, or journal more, or something? keeping track of my e mo tions is good and healthy

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good: doing nothing eating bread not very stressed not a lot on my plate

bad: kind of lonely kind of sick kind of lost

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what’s up youtube i’m in japan and been on the verge of tears twice today because i’m low key miserable traveling w my mother and i’d rather be in berkeley;; feels like such a fking waste of time & money to be traveling if i’m just having a terrible time lol

[bewhy]

way happier bc sun is back