I understand this 100%, & the following is a lengthy almost rant like Monologue, that may seem unrelated... unless you actually read it all the way through, & take the time to read it thoroughly.
This is basically me when my anxiety runs out of steam, I begin with the impression of a chatterbox, but I'm really not that talkative on a regular basis, & I generally stop talking when I feel like I have nothing else to say, & when I see that the interest in what I have said is minimal at best.
For when I decide the other person isn't interested in talking to me anymore, I don't make much effort to maintain a non-existent conversation. If anything, I get annoyed at myself for even saying anything at all in those situations, because it's sort of misleading to have a person show interest then just up & ghost. 🙄
Like seriously, 99% of the people I have met online, I don't even talk to longer than a few months... if that. Of those who I do succeed in talking to for more than a year, that number can be held to a single hand, with room to spare.
The only people I actually have any long term friendships with are people who I first met in person.
So, I guess the end result is that I only really know enough about the people I meet in person, to actually hold a proper conversation.
The other thing is that my perception of time seems to be very different from everyone else I know, & the closest thing I have heard that seems to fit is that it's like I am constantly in some sort of New Agey/Hippie Meditation State where I control the speed of time, & basically remember it all...like Madame Razz in the Netflix She-ra Series, or like Mister Manhattan on a smaller scale...I say smaller since I don't have backwards influence... except on weird occasions. Basically Deja Vu on Super Steroids, since when it happens, it's literally like I am reliving a whole segment of time. This may seem unrelated, but it is related to a degree.
Basically, I remember any conversation with a person like it happened only minutes ago, & the intervening time has absolutely no impact on my ability to react to a person.
My oldest friend, and this may be a repeat, said that I hadn't changed at all, despite more than 14 years since our last interaction. 14 years in which I had completed Elementary School, Middle School, High School, & Already had an Associate's degree. I had been pushed into a street by a bully in 6th Grade, I had finally come to terms with being Gay, & I had dealt with Major Mental Health issues during that time, but somehow, I hadn't actually changed who I was during that time.
That's not at all what a person expects to hear after 14 years of separation. I had basically been able to keep our friendship in suspended animation. There was no period of getting reacquainted, because there was no need to do so in my mind.
I could remember them & how I felt around them, so I didn't feel the need or any discomfort that many people do when time & distance are involved.
This ability to remember & act like time is not a factor seems to distress many people who haven't met me in person. For me, Time is only a factor in certain things...like:
Have I had enough time to listen to the other person to get to know them, & understand who they are to a degree?
Other than that, time has no place in my perception of things really...even if society runs on it, it's more of a frame in which people register patterns that repeat, & not something that holds an absolute value.
One minute when I am interested in something is much longer than a minute in which I have no interest in anything. So, I hardly ever feel boredom, & when I do, it's extremely short lived. I also don't make as much ado in anticipation for things, because I am that good at controlling the flow of time in my perception. A year now doesn't feel any shorter than a year did when I was five, & that's partly because I can find so many things that interest me. I haven't been able to grow up in some senses you could say. The world is always new to me, even if some parts are relatively the same, there's always something new to be found. I haven't been able to lose my childish sense of delight for the world essentially, despite what has happened during my life.
That's probably why I don't get along with people who are superficial, they no longer see the world. All they see is what they expect to see. They're the ones who disappoint me the most, because I would like to show them what I see, but they're so wrapped up in themselves that I can't figure out what to say, & so...I say nothing. 😔
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