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@beyoubabyyy
Worst part is with this 2nd person… let’s call them buzz…. They already told me they aren’t looking for anything again, and this is the 3rd time they have tried to enter my life with the SAME EXACT MOTIVES, and I still play out these diluted scenarios every-time and think that one day that will change because it is only being said because they are scared and blah bede blah blah blah,Ridiculous. and at this point I’m like how WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! But in the moment man I forget it all.
sorry to interrupt your scrolling but, i hope life gets better for you.
So I have OCD and I am grappling with the fact that I have had two people consistently be a fixation of mine, not in a annoying stalk type of way, but in a diluted reality type of scenarios. Where they left because their feelings were too strong, or they were just avoidant and had too much healing to do, but they still constantly think of me, and are just waiting for the perfect opportunity, the perfect moment to come back and confess their undying love for me, even after time and distance. The two didn’t coincide with each other and that is what leads me to believe that something inside of me needs to be focused solely on someone, idk why or what wound is causing this intense hyper fixation on two individuals over a 13 year period. Mind you I don’t even reach out to them or talk or text them. It is literally all made up and thought about during daily life. Although I have Autism and OCD which I think are both pretty obviously part of the hyper fixation just don’t know what else it could be about. Anywho I actually do hope no one reads this!
Hoping this way of publicly info dumping in a place where I am unknown may be somewhat cathartic 😌😌😌😌
Alasssss I am back, I have been needing an outlet to just idk vent and post things I wouldn’t normally under any other social platform! I have had this tumblr since like 2008 or something so it’s seen all my eras! I’m back in my 30s ready to vent like a teenager again <3 no one will even read just like in 8th grade, quite freeing I have to say!!!
Book: The Pain of Healing 💛
Hard pill to swallow, not everyone deserves the best side of you. Sometimes, no matter how much you give, or how much you love - it’s just not enough.
Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛
You ever get so anxious that you honestly don’t trust yourself and start to think that maybe you are the bad person? And that’s why everyone treats you like shit. But at the same moment know that there’s no way that you are a bad person and you know that you are good and sweet and you think that to yourself but think that maybe you have an inflated ego and that your goodness is all in your head and not even real because if it was real you would get a little tiny bit of compassion and love when you need it the most because you believe in good karma and if you were good you’d get good in return so therefor you must be bad?
instagram.com/alexmammadyarov
“on her last day every piece of my existence shattered how could i ever love again each atom in my body grieves for her to love someone so much to give someone all that you have her memory lives through me i fear that there is no life left for me how could there be when she is no longer here to view the same sky.”
— A Heart of Grief // J.A.
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything... and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
(x)
You can always visit My Dreams 💜
he has hats 🍃
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