i saw cats (2019) and am in absolute horror
it’s 2am and i haven’t stopped thinking about this movie. minor spoilers ahead
- i shit you not, the opening sequence is straight from a horror movie. look up the first song in the soundtrack (overture). now imagine that but with cat people crawling jerkily over to a thrashing body bag. it is dark out. the music keeps getting louder
- i need everyone to know that at least four people walked out during the movie. usually during the musical numbers. like “nah fuck this”
- the entirety of introducing rebel wilson was her just falling off of various surfaces and bumping into things while some other cat sang somberly about how great she was. she also scratched her inner thighs at one point
- they gave both the mice and cockroaches human faces, implying that the out of sight dog also has a human face, and i want to cry
- there was a part where they poured cgi milk into the cat’s mouths and bodies while they squirmed around on tables. jason derulo took off his clothes and was thrusting his hips while standing on said tables. this movie is rated pg
- they breathed so loudly?? they kept moaning??? like rubbing up against each other and crawling around on the floor and sighing like calm down please there are children present
- rebel wilson unzipping her fursuit to reveal a cgi dress that floated above her body will forever haunt me
- there was one shot where victoria stretched her leg out towards jason derulo and i deadass thought he was gonna take her whole foot in his mouth. that’s the energy this movie had
- they have hands yet drink like cats. i had to watch ian mckellen lap water from a bowl in a dark closet.
- taylor swift’s part was good up until the cats started jerking their heads back and forth, to which i said “no no no” too loudly. also the cat nip made them hornier and fall into each other while breathing heavily. i hated it
- i liked the tap dancing part bc they actually moved like people. if you’re gonna do a movie about cats looking like people either look like people or find a way not to look horny by trying to act like a cat
- jennifer hudson’s singing was phenomenal but she was crying every time we saw her and there was snot everywhere
- i saw the unpatched version (they’re apparently gonna clean it up later) and i urge you to do the same before they change it. you’ll be subjected to wonderful sights such as seeing hands have fur in one scene and none in the next, watch the cats float above the ground randomly, and have clothes animated like an old veggie tales episode
- the plot was nonexistent and honestly i prefer that bc i could barely keep up with it as it was due to getting distracted by the tails moving sensually for no reason
- at the end they had a part where judi dench stares at the camera while singing and i literally closed my eyes out of fear
- and, finally: i can’t stop thinking about idris elba having the shortest hair of all the cats and because of that looking entirely naked. he took off his clothes and i said “what the fuck” out loud cause i genuinely thought they were gonna wip out cat dick, that’s how horny the cgi is
usually if a movie is bad i might see it again just to hate watch it. not this one; cats 2019 instilled a primal fear in me and i never want to see it again or i may cry.
anyway please go watch this movie, i’m making it the last one i see before the decade ends bc i think it deserves that title. i will never be able to look at a cat in the eye again. goodnight
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