TW: SH and suicidal ideation
So growing up in a Indian has for the most part been a struggle. But now I have created a safer space for myself I feel much more at peace. Being a desi queer, there are certain delicacies I fill my life with.
I have been struggling with suicidal ideation and self harm for the longest time. And while I still do I am much more than that. I am much more than my struggles. I am that unniyappam Amma makes on perunal days or that payasam on your birthday. (both are a type of dessert made on special occasions)
To say I love our culture is an understatement. I am emotionally and mentally married to it. And I love incorporating it into ways I love myself in. Listening to Charulata in veena by Sudeep Palanad while writing this lol. Here are some things I have done:
I have self harm scars on my upper thigh. And I re-own my own body by drawing over it with mehandi. When blade/knife/ whatever metal I have used to cut touched my skin it felt cold. Mehandi also feels slightly cold over my skin but in a very soothing way.
Bharatanatyam or dancing is also one of my stress reliefs. It can be a very intimate way to work with and explore your body and mind. When I dance my go to mantra is "Dancing is powerful. Dancing is queer." It then becomes extremely euphoric for me. In every sense of the word.
Listening to classical/ semi Indian music. In my opinion desi music is extremely rich sophisticated as well as simple and comforting all at once. It has the smell of your Amma's duppatta.
Going to the temple. While I am not religious myself. The temple is a place of peace and comfort for me. There is this feeling that its going to be okay. Masala dosa and filter coffee after it is a must. Hehe.
These are things that have worked for me. It may or may not work for you. If you do try any of these out I would love to know. And if you have some other desi delicacies you want to add do share.
Remember that you are special and you are loved. And you deserve to be loved. You deserve nice things. You deserve desi delicacies.
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