Learning How To Be Funny

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Funny 90: No means no

Content warning: brief mentions of rape

The other day me and my sister were talking about charity muggers. I was explaining how I'd overheard (now that I have hearing aids I overhear all kinds of shit) a guy on the train telling someone on the phone about how he got accosted by a charity on Mother's Day. This is how it went down:

"Well, we were all there, so, you know, the kids, my wife, my mother, my wife's mother, we were all there, and we were just. Well, we'd eaten dinner and we were just going to eat the cake. My kids baked a cake for their mum, well, and their grandmas, this big cake. Obviously they're kids so the cake wasn't that great, but anyway, they'd spent a long time baking it, but yeah, before we, we were just about to slice it, and then the phone rings. Now I always answer the phone. Before I had kids I would have just let it ring, but now when the phone rings, I always think it could be some kind of emergency. Obviously my kids were there so I knew there wasn't an emergency, but it could have been my dad - my parents are separated now, and he's got a heart thing, so I thought, well, something could have happened to Dad. So I pick up the phone and it's this charity asking if they could talk to me about children, and all I said was, I just said to them, I said, 'Do you know what day it is?' and he goes, 'Oh, is it a bad time, Sir?' and I said, 'Do you know what day it is?' and he said, 'If it's not a good time, Sir, I can ring back,' and then I go again, 'Do you know what day it is?' and finally he goes, 'It's a Sunday,' and I say, 'It's Mothering Sunday, and I'm here with my wife and my kids, and my mother, and her mother, and you're interrupting.' And he said, 'I can call back at a more convenient time,' and I said, 'Well you bloody better do that.' Now I don't usually swear but this time I thought it was bloody well called for."

Then my sister told me about how she got a sales call from an energy company asking if she had a minute, she said, "No," and they carried on with their sales pitch, and then she went, "No means no - what, are you a rapist as well?"

I found this totally hilarious. 

Possible reasons I found this hilarious:

Statistics. Given that a lot of men are rapists, there's a good chance he was one as well. Not sure how this adds to the humour but I'm sure it does.

Taboo. You're not meant to talk about rape to salespeople on the phone.

I've always found 'no means no' a bit funny (although obviously I totally get that some people find it very useful). I guess because a lot of rape doesn't involve people saying no, and a lot of sex involves people saying no (safe words, etc.) and also because once I went on this Take Back The Night March (I think I've told you about this) where this song was being sung that went, 'Whatever we wear, wherever we go, yes means yes and no means no,' and my friend made up a song that was far more complicated that went something like, sometimes yes means um no thanks but I don't have enough power to say no, and sometimes it can mean yes, I mean, not really but it's better than the alternatives. I guess this is another funny take on 'no means no' which is a bit of a cliche. 

Takes the idea of making consent everyday to a hilarious level.

As well. I guess the 'as well' means, like, are you a rapist as well as being an annoyingly persistent salesperson, which goes back to the old hilarious joke of putting rape alongside more everyday crimes against humanity, or everyday activities (like when I said my dad likes singing in his choir, molesting children, and composting), which reminds us all that rape happens all the time and is boring and mundane rather than sensational and dramatic like it is in the movies. 

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Funny 89: Bad outcomes of motivational quotes

Content: brief mentions of paedophilia. 

I was cracking myself up the other night imagining paedophiles coming across motivational phrases. 

'The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.' What if you've decided to become a full time paedophile? You shouldn't care what other people think as long as you're happy?

'The things that one most wants to do are the things that are probably most worth doing.' What if what you most want to do is open a paedophile ring?

'Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.' What if you're a paedophile? No regrets?

'No matter where you're from, your dreams are valid.' What if you dream about forming that paedophile ring?

'All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible.' What if you want to create an impossibly successful paedophile ring?

'It is the greatest shot of adrenaline to be doing what you've wanted to do so badly.' Especially if you're a paedophile.

'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.' Keep focused, paedophiles!

Reasons I found this so hilarious:

I'm kind of obsessed with paedophilia. Not in, like, a weird way, more in a way that I think they're everywhere (they are everywhere), including on Facebook reading the motivational quotes that other people put up, and it is a genuine fear of mine that paedophiles find these motivating - it makes them want to become better paedophiles, more focused on their goal of abusing children, more confident in their goals of setting up paedophile rings with their paedophile friends. In one way this is very serious and not funny, and in another way it's funny (funny depressing, or funny painful, or funny realistic) to imagine paedophiles reading motivational quotes because it makes them seem more real and less like abstract monsters (even though the person that molested me was my dad, so very real to me, I kind of think of him now as an abstract monster, so strong is the societal force to view paedophiles as abstract monsters)

Contrast between what motivational quotes are supposed to be used for (making capitalism work for you, and occasionally fighting human rights issues) and what I'm thinking motivational quotes could be used for (ensuring the success of paedophiles). 

I've always found most motivational quotes irritating, so I'm predisposed to finding anything that demeans them funny.

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Funny 88: The Bored Baker

Oh my god this is so funny. A baker who works for Sainsbury's (a UK supermarket) has been writing haikus about his job dissatisfaction and hiding them inside biscuits. The most famous one is: 

Enjoy Your Cookies

Every Bite is a Minute

I'll Never Get Back

And then there is also:

The First Victim Of

Retail Customer Service

Is Sincerity

and:

Taste the difference

I can’t taste the difference

Maybe its my fault

Hahahahahahahhaa.

Possible reasons these are hilarious:

Relatable. Shit jobs make you die inside. Everyone's been there, or is there . Except for the majority of UK cabinet ministers, most of who got their first job after they graduated from Oxbridge university (having previously been educated at Eton), in party politics. 

Unexpected. Shit jobs also usually also kill all creative urges, leaving you just enough energy to watch TV, eat comforting foodstuffs, and sleep. 

The passive aggression in the first one. 'Enjoy your cookies' followed by 'every bite is a minute I'll never get back' is hilarious. Who can enjoy their cookies when their production has rendered a worker so miserable? But they will enjoy their cookies because cookies are delicious - there is a kind of resentful resignation here as well. However good his haiku is, capitalism will go on. 

The one about Taste the Difference is relatable as well. It's been described in the past as a kind of challenge - a command to taste the difference, rather than a statement that the difference in money you pay for the more expensive version is worth it. It's a funny description of internalised oppression as well - instead of protesting that the classy biscuits are no different from the cheap ones, you start to think that the problem is inside yourself. 

And 'the first victim of retail customer service is insincerity' is relatable, and funny because it's true. 

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Funny 87: 6 Ways You're Botching Your Dialogue

Yesterday I read this thing called 6 Ways You're Botching Your Dialogue 

http://litreactor.com/columns/6-ways-youre-botching-your-dialogue

Number 6 is 'Everyone's so damn proper' and Robbie Blair tells us that a common mistake is to make characters talk like seasoned writers instead of the average person, including, 'A lack of contractions (which makes everyone seem like they're attending an 19th-century top-hat party).'. In order to illustrate his point, he includes a black and white picture of two guys in top hats, a woman in an apron over a dress and loads of people hurting each other in the background.  

In the comments section, Aurevir says, 'That's not a 'top-hat party', that's James Garfield's assassination. The rest of the article was good, though.' Hahahahaha. 

Then later, Macgowan says, 'Aurevir, it's not a party unless there's an assassination.' Hehe. 

I didn't know at the time that James Garfield was an American president who created universal education because he was worried that African Americans were not getting a fair deal, but I already found it kind of laugh worthy that Robbie Blair seemed to have mistaken a picture of somebody's assassination for a party. I think this is funny because of the contrast between a party - a supposedly pleasant social event - and an assassination - the murder of someone famous for political reasons. It's more funny because an assassination is so serious - it's not like mistaking a banana for a chair, for example, even thought the 2 are pretty different. 

Then I also find Aurevir saying 'The rest of the article was good, though,' hilarious because it feels so insincere. How good can the article really be when it's eclipsed by this massively misleading art interpretation? I think it's generally funny when heavy criticism is followed by a bland statement about how 'the rest' of something was good. Like, "This dinner is 100% burnt and it tastes terrible. Plates are nice though." I mean that's not hilarious but I just came up with that on the spot. 

Then it's also funny that Macgowan says, 'Aurevir, it's not a party unless there's an assassination.' Hahahaha. I think this is funny sarcastic - instead of agreeing with Aurevir, Macgowan is pretending that an assassination is actually something every good party should have, in the same way that someone might say every good party should have tasty crisps or a good guest list. 

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Funny 86: Making ordinary phrases 100% funnier with qualifying words

1. Once me and a friend were walking past a wedding dress shop and she stopped in the window and looked at this long white chiffon backless dress and she said, "Oh my god, that's the kind of dress I want for my first wedding."

Hahahahahahaha. 100% funnier than saying, "Oh my god, that's the kind of dress I want for my wedding," because it implies that if she gets married, it will be with the casual expectation that it's one of at least two marriages she's going to have. 

2. I once heard a woman introduce a guy at a party as, "My current husband."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. See 1.

3. I once asked a friend what they did that morning, and they were like, "You know, had a shower, ate some cornflakes, had my after breakfast wank." 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha. 100% funnier than, "You know, had a shower, ate some cornflakes, had a wank," because it implies that this is something they do after every breakfast, which is hilarious, because wow, who has scheduled masturbation?

4. In Broad City, Hurricane Wanda, by way of explaining to Ilana that she needs to defecate, Abbi tells her, "I spite-ate all of that potato salad."

Hahahaha. 100% funnier than, "I ate all of that potato salad," because

a). we all saw how pissed off she was when one of her guests wanted the potato salad, but we didn't see her eat it, so it's funny to have the update

b). it makes out like 'spite-eating' is already a thing, like, that's what you do when you have a guest that has their eye on your favourite salad, you eat more of it than you originally wanted due to spite, and everyone knows that. 

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Funny 85: Rape analogy

Content: discussions of rape analogies

I found this on Buzzfeed.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/derekj/if-mugging-were-treated-the-same-way-as-rape-r76

(Image description: black and grey text on pale peach background. Text reads: 

Man: Hello, I'd like to report a mugging.

Officer: A mugging, eh? Where did it take place? 

Man: I was walking by 21st and Dundritch Street and a man pulled out a gun and said, "Give me all your money."

Officer: And did you?

Man: Yes, I co-operated. 

Officer: So you willingly gave the man your money without fighting back, calling for help or trying to escape? 

Man: Well, yes, but I was terrified. I thought he was going to kill me!

Officer: Mmm. But you did co-operate with him. And I've been informed  that you're quite a philanthropist, too.

Man: I give to charity, yes.

Officer: So you like to give money away. You make a habit of giving money away. 

Man: What does that have to do with this situation?

Officer: You knowingly walked down Dundritch Street in your suit when everyone knows you like to give away money, and then you didn't fight back. It sounds like you gave money to someone and now you're having after-donation regret. Tell me, do you really want to ruin his life because of your mistake? 

Man: This is ridiculous!

Officer: This is a rape analogy. This is what women face every single day when they try to bring their rapists to justice.

Man: Fuck the patriarchy.

Officer: Word.) 

I found this quite funny. Not laugh out loud funny, probably because it's about rape and I'm a survivor, but it did make me giggle inside. Possible reasons why:

The analogy of rape as theft is so old and tired but pretty much every time there is an article on the information super highway talking about rape, there is some concerned seeming person in the comments section who warns women not to go out in short skirts because that causes rape, someone who points out that this is ridiculous, and another person underneath who says something like, "Not really. I mean, you wouldn't leave your house unlocked with all your valuables on display and then get annoyed if someone took your stuff, would you?" It's such a depressing analogy in so many ways, but I think the worst part is that these people seem to think that people are no more precious than material goods. There is also the sinister element. Theft kind of makes sense as a crime. At the end of it, you have a material good or some money that you didn't have at the start of it. This may mean you can eat for that day, or it may mean that you've increased the power and worth of your international crime syndicate. Either way, you're materially richer. But what the fuck is rape about? Something way more sinister, definitely. The act of sexual abuse is not something you can eat, or trade in for other goods, or furnish your house with. You can't watch TV on it and you can't put it in a trust fund for your grandkids. I don't know if there is an end goal to it. I am inclined to go for anything that makes this mugging/rape analogy look ridiculous. 

The philanthropy thing is brilliant. Although they're not meant to anymore (it used to be strictly condoned in the UK), courts of law and police officers still bring up women's sexual history when they are dealing with sexual assault cases. The idea being that if you have had sex willingly in the past, it's impossible for you to get raped (because you must have enjoyed it). It's even harder for women who have had sex in the past with the same person who raped them, and especially for sex workers in this situation. The police officer's accusation of charity donations just sums this up really well and in a kind of hilarious way. It shows just how ridiculous the, "You were asking for it, we all know you've had sex before," line of attack is when it's put into another situation. "And I've been informed  that you're quite a philanthropist, too," is a brilliant analogy to, "I hear you're quite a slut."

The protest thing. I find questioning lack of protest particularly infuriating because I've been in a situation where a public sector authority figure asked me why I didn't ever tell my father to stop molesting me. Honestly it's probably the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked. The point being, if someone is molesting you, you already know that they don't give a fuck about your feelings. It's not like you're going to go, "Hey there, you're molesting me," and they're going to go, "Shit, I'm so sorry, I thought this was how you turn the dishwasher onto pots and pans. I'll stop immediately and live in isolation for the rest of my life so that I never make the same mistake again." So it's funny gratifying when the police officer says 'So you willingly gave the man your money without fighting back, calling for help or trying to escape?'

The after donation regret thing. Hahahahaha. Frequently, someone tells a victim of rape that they are just having 'post sex regret', which is an exceptionally weird alternative explanation to why people would accuse other people of rape, but is very widespread. "It sounds like you gave money to someone and now you're having after-donation regret," makes the post sex regret idea sound exactly as bizarre as it is. 

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Funny 84: Men and Make Up

This just in: Man, somewhere, says he prefers women without make up. Patriarchy defeated. Celebrations breaking out. Women worldwide, relieved.

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Funny 83: Jewish Mother Jokes

My 2 favourites (even though I suspect the genre is deeply misogynistic and possibly):

The one where a woman's son rings her and asks how she is, she says, "Not good, I haven't been to the toilet for 5 days." The son says, "Oh my god why?" and the mother says, "Because I didn't want to be on the toilet when you called."

Reasons why it's funny: 

It's kind of an epic heigh of passive aggression. As a passive aggressive person myself, I enjoy the lengths to which she has gone (not going to the toilet for 5 days) in order to emphasise the fact that her son ought to be calling more than every 5 days.

5 days is kind of funny, because it's kind of not really that long. 

It kind of takes you a second to get that he hasn't called her for 5 days and that's the problem. Before you get it, you're like, "Wait, what?" and then you get it and you're all like, "Oh." I guess there's something funny satisfying about that. 

  The one where the woman stands up in a plane and shouts, "Is there a doctor on board?" and a guy comes over and says, "I'm a doctor, what's wrong?" and she says, "Are you married? I have a daughter, she's very pretty, long dark hair, nice smile. Do you want to meet her on Tuesday?"

Reasons why it's funny:

Posing matchmaking as an emergency scenario is funny. It's a lot funnier than a Jewish mother just telling her daughter, "Please marry a doctor." Obviously everyone on the plane will think it's a medical crisis. It's a funny way of emphasising the fact that this mother does consider her daughter's not being married to a doctor currently an emergency. 

The way she doesn't explain herself at all, she just moves straight onto selling her daughter, "She's very pretty," as if the doctor is just going to be like, "Okay, this is a normal way to date people, responding to their mother's fake medical emergency on a plane."

The idea that she's so anxious to have her daughter marry a doctor that she doesn't care that this one might live thousands of miles away - it kind of implies that she does this everywhere she goes in order to increase the chances of getting that doctor son in law. 

This one is especially funny for me because I have a friend whose mother converted to Judaism and seemed to take aspects of cultural Judaism she had picked up from films and comedy shows particularly seriously. She instructed my friend to spend her lunch breaks outside the medical building on her university campus, in the hopes that she would pick up a Jewish boyfriend. The two jokes are not overly related, but when I hear the aeroplane one, I remember my friend's mother and do a little mini laugh. 

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Funny 82: Things Rich People Say About Poor People

So a while ago my friend posted this article up on her Facebook about how Louisiana has passed a law banning people using their welfare benefits to buy tattoos, lingerie, and jewellery. Whilst some people on the thread pointed out that the law was poor baiting - getting people to imagine that previously, their 'tax dollars' had been going towards tattoos - a lot of people pointed out that it's completely impractical and inhumane to stop poor people buying underwear.

One person said something like, 'What, so I have to carry my boobs around in my hand because I'm poor?'

Hahahaha. I think the main reason this is funny is because it gives you an image - someone having to go about their daily life with their breasts in their hands because that's the Louisiana way of punishing poor people. 

Another person said something like, 'If you're poor, the only acceptable garment is hessian sacking. Failing that, a bag over your head with 'I'm poor and I got this way through being lazy' will suffice. Anything else is a misuse of my tax dollars.'

Hahahahahahahaha. I think this is funny because:

Sarcasm. Obviously this person does not really believe that poor people should wear hessian sacking or bags over their heads reminding everyone that they're poor - it's a piss take of the idea that whilst rich people can spend their money on whatever they want, the consumer choices of poor people should be scrutinised even more than they are already. 

The imagery. Especially of the bag over the head, is funny.

'I'm poor and I got this way through being lazy' is what a lot of not poor people think about poverty, mainly because the American Dream type idea that all you have to do is work really hard, in order to be rich, and anyone who is still poor obviously isn't doing their bit, is so prevalent. It's an awful, victim blaming theory, and I hate it, so I'm especially prone to laughing when someone makes fun of this idea. 

Taking it one step further. It follows that further scrutiny upon poor people's spending, and the narrowing of what poor people can spend their money on, is a way of controlling poor people and making sure that everyone not poor can spot them. It kind of takes the idea to its logical conclusion with the bag over the head. It makes a slightly veiled concept explicit. 

'will suffice'. I guess this is just taking the piss out of how rich people speak, and that's always funny.

'Anything else is a misuse of my tax dollars'. Again, making things explicit. Tax payers get so fucking funny about what their taxes go on (when it comes to poor people. Obviously there is much less outrage about tax money going on war, corruption and politicians redecorating their second houses). It's a joke about that.

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Funny 81: What Is Ludacris Doing Now?

Last night after a YouTube journey into 90s music that started with Usher's You Make Me Wanna and ended with Mary J Blige's Someone Please Call 911, one of my friends asked what Ludacris was doing these days.

I suggested that Ludacris was hired by a billionaire to be an always available masturbation soundtrack, detailing that Ludacris would sing into some kind of device - like a baby monitor, whilst the person in the next room would get down to it. I kind of acted it out, like, "Okay, in your own time Ludacris,' and my friend did the, 'I wanna lick lick lick lick you from your head to your toes,' bit. We then said we should write an article about what had happened to 90s stars. Hahahahaha. We found this very funny.

Possible reasons why it was funny:

The idea that somebody could be so rich that they could hire a once successful rapper to be their personal masturbation soundtrack is kind of funny in itself. It's kind of like you can't trust rich people to make conventional choices with their money.

The acting it out bit made it funnier. Me pretending to be the rich person and my friend pretending to be Ludacris rapping into a baby monitor. I think detail adds another layer of comedy to any joke based on something ridiculous.

Okay, I think that's basically it, but it was very funny at the time. 

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Funny 80: Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Last week I had an article published in The Toast.

http://the-toast.net/2014/04/23/career-will-absolutely-fine-telling-people-molested/view-all/

And I wrote this:

'You will have fantasies about your father dying. You will remember the day when your mother rang you up to tell you that your father had expired, and only explained somewhat into the conversation that he was in fact still living but was extremely ill in the hospital, having breakfasted on gone off chicken liver pate. You will remember how you told her, at the time, that it is unethical to tell your child that their father has died when their father has not died, and you will remember how she told you to stop being so dramatic.'

Lots of people who commented on the article thought that this was my mother being dysfunctional and unkind, so it's definitely not universally funny, but to me, it was really hilarious. 

Reasons I found it funny:

Death. Death is kind of taboo, and people usually dread telling other people that their loved ones or family members are dead. But my mother used it quite freely for dramatic effect.

He wasn't dead, he had food poisoning from eating gone off chicken liver pate. I know people can die from food poisoning, but from what I heard, all that happened is that he threw up at work and fainted, and he then spent the next day in hospital being extremely dramatic. The contrast between being dead, and just throwing up a bit, is funny. 

Gone off chicken liver pate. So the detail here makes it funny. Of all the gone off things you would eat, chicken liver pate is one of the worst ideas I have heard about. It's made from the offal of a meat that you have to be very careful about anyway. Like seriously. Have a banana. This is also personally very funny to me because my father always says, "Stop fussing," to my mother when she advises him to only eat food that is fresh, and he then claims to have, "A very strong stomach." Haha. No you don't.

Pot calling the kettle black. She obviously thought it was dramatic for me to make a fuss about her having reported that my father was dead instead of a bit under the weather, but it's actually much more dramatic to report that your husband is dead instead of a bit under the weather. It's kind of like the time my father pulled down my trousers and spanked me on the bottom for being obsessed with bottoms. 

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Funny 79: No.

Trigger warning: mentions of child sex abuse

1. Ironic No.

When I was little, my dad (the one who molested me) bought me a book called How To Teach Your Kids How To Say No, which was a book about how to save your children from child sex abuse by encouraging the use of one simple word. I read it from cover to cover. 

2. Just No.

From Urban Dictionary

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Just%20no

1. person a, "I think I might be tempted to put marmite on this pizza, and then rub it on my face."  person b, "Just no." 

3. Gelatin Salad No.

From The Toast's 'Lines From Go Ask Alice That, In Hindsight, Should Have Tipped Me Off That This Was Not A True Story'

http://the-toast.net/2014/04/25/fake-lines-from-go-ask-alice/

“Lucy Martin is having a Christmas party, and I’m supposed to bring a gelatin salad.”

No.

4. Reported Proposal No.

"Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"No."

5. Can I Use Your Bathroom No.

"Can I use your bathroom?

"No."

Possible reasons for funny:

My dad buying me a book about how to say no to child sex abuse is ironic because he was child sex abusing me. It's also funny taboo, because we're not meant to talk about child sex abuse. It's also funny denial because he was so adamant that he wasn't a child sex abuser that he bought the child he was sex abusing a tool in order to help them escape child sex abuse. Also just the idea that the word 'no' can save you from child sex abuse. Ha! Nobody molests a kid because they accidentally think the kid likes it. 

Gelatin salad no, and "I think I might be tempted to put marmite on this pizza, and then rub it on my face," no is funny because gelatin salad and Marmite pizza facemasks are things that you really have to say no to, but you never knew you would have to say no to. It reminds me of a time when I used a public toilet that had a sign up that said, 'Please do not paint these toilets'. Like, what? wow, how much toilet painting would have had to have taken place before the sign got made? You wouldn't make the sign on the first instance of toilet painting. It would have to happen at least three times for you to think it was a regular enough occurrence to warrant against. It's kind of like, what really? I have to be against that? Isn't everyone against that? I didn't even know that was a thing.  

Reported proposal no is thwarted expectations. You expect a yes, or at the very least, an, 'I'm totally sorry but no.' Not just a plain, flat out no. Paraprosdokian.

"Can I use your bathroom?" "No," was something that happened all the time in college. I didn't find it funny (I was usually the person that had to pee) but a lot of people found it funny. I still don't get it. 

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Funny 78: Overheard in Waitrose

Overheard in Waitrose is a new Facebook group compiling hilarious comments overheard in Waitrose. Here are my favourite 3:

'Gosh you have to be millionaires to shop here. Just as well we are!'

'Noah! You've had enough Manchego for one day.'

'Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?'

Why they're funny: 

First 2 are gestures of rich people making gestures of cutback or austerity. 'You have to be millionaires to shop here,' is a comment about how hideously overpriced everything in Waitrose is, with 'Just as well we are!' to completely mitigate their commentary. 'You've had enough ____ for one day,' is a comment that is used to impose moderation on children, but the fact that Noah's parent can afford for them to have been stuffing themselves with Manchego, a posh cheese (for English people anyway) is the opposite of moderation. I think both these might be ironic but because of Alanis I'm not clear on that. Irony is often funny.

3 could be either about moderation, 'Is it really necessary to have parmesan for both houses?' or just a check in, 'Do we need to get parmesan for both houses or is one of our houses already equipped with parmesan?'. Either way, hahahaha oh my god these people are rich. Firstly they are buying parmesan. Parmesan is expensive, so you'd have to have a fair amount of disposable income to be able to buy it. Secondly, they have 2 houses. They have combined these 2 displays of richness in a comment they think is innocuous. "Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?" kind of shows that they think there is nothing special about either having parmesan, or having 2 houses. It's overly casual. 

Ridiculous. The millionaire one is kind of like some weird hilarious joke that rich people might say to each other about how rich they are. It's kind of funny because it's so ridiculous. It's like something out of Ab Fab or Frasier or another programme about rich people being ridiculous. 

Ridiculous. There are ordinary people called Noah, I'm sure, but it's quite a rich person's name, and that coupled with Manchego, is kind of ridiculous. 

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Funny 77: Political parties that are the same as other political parties

Trigger warning: brief mentions of suicide

My sister was talking to a guy the other day who said the following:

"Yeah, not saying, like, I want to live in a dictatorship or anything, but really the only difference between. Yeah, well you've got the Tories and they want to throw all the poor people in plastic bags and drown them in the river. Then you've got Labour, and they, like, feel a bit bad that they want to throw all the poor people in plastic bags and drown them in the river. They're like a dog that's done a fart, you know, they're pretending it wasn't them even though everyone knows it was."

I was very amused. Possible reasons why:

1. Aesthetic. It's kind of funny sometimes when people point out that the only difference between two supposedly different things is aesthetic, like that joke about how the difference between pornography and erotica is the lighting. 

2. Telling it how it is. The Tories really are trying to kill us (ATOS is actually terminally ill people by sending them back to work, removal of DLA is driving people to suicide, etc.), and the Labour party were too. It's horrendous and awful and sometimes you laugh at those things when someone spells them out explicitly.

3. The plastic bag thing. I don't know if this is because of that hilarious time my mother told me not to make my face like a plastic bag, or that hilariously repeated scene in American Beauty where a plastic bag flutters to the floor and a white man says, "Ooh," about it but there is something funny here. It would be less funny if the guy had just said that the Tories and the Labour party want to drown poor people. 

4. Sorry, not sorry, only politeness sorry. When I was in college we read this play called Hedda Gabler about a woman in an awful marriage. At the end of the play she commits suicide, and this guy calls Tesman discovers her and goes, "Good God - people don't do such things." We went on a college trip to go and see an actor guy talk about acting and one of the things he talked about was how to read the last line of this play. "I've seen it done badly," he said to us, "like someone says, 'People don't do such things,' as if Hedda's got bad manners - like she's left the toilet seat up or something." This was funny for a few different reasons (the idea of Hedda Gabbler, who is a cis woman, leaving the toilet seat up is a kind of funny reference to Hedda Gabbler being so butch that she would pee standing up) but one funny thing is the idea that committing suicide is impolite. What this guy is saying about the Labour party is kind of similar - they're sorry, but only because drowning poor people in plastic bags in the river is kind of impolite, not sorry because they value the lives of poor people or anything like that. 

5. Specificity - 'throw all the poor people in plastic bags and drown them in the river'. Every element of detail increases the humour. 'Drown poor people' is considerably less funny. 'Drown poor people in the river' is less funny. 'Throw all the poor people in bags and drown them in the river' is slightly less funny. 

In the last bit of Benjamin Zepheniah's track Naked, he says:

Dis is me. I hate dis government as much as I hated the one before it and I have reason to believe that I will hate the one to come Dis is me, squeeze me. Let me free me. I have come to realise that what you can do for me I can do much better for me. Let me do for my loved ones what you will not do for them I want to hold the hands of my loved ones and cause a victorious rumble in dis black universe I am naked, whispering screams in the church of the impatient revolutionaries. I may be vulnerable, I may not have the education of my critics and the wealth of my arresting officers, but I have never felt the need to wear a uniform in order to break laws and I have never felt the need to eat dead bodies in order to feel like a good human being.

The first time I heard this I found these lines funny: 

'Dis is me. I hate dis government as much as I hated the one before it and I have reason to believe that I will hate the one to come'

Reasons I found it funny:

1. Tells it like it is in a kind of no frills way. 

2. The circle of life/political parties. He doesn't explicitly come out and say they're all the same, and maybe that's not actually his point - he just hates this one, he hated the one before this, and he has reason to believe he will hate the next one. There is something about the pattern that is funny. 

Someone once told me about their friend explaining to their kid the difference between dogs and Dalmatians. They said that all dogs are Dalmatians but not all Dalmatians are dogs. They added that it's like how everyone in the cabinet went to Eton but not everyone who went to Eton now has a job in cabinet. 

I found this very funny. Possible reasons why:

1. It's in the funny analogy category, like this one, 'The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease' from this website

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/2006/09/12/the-25-funniest-analogies-collected-by-high-school-english-teachers/

2. It points out the fact that pretty much everyone in the cabinet went to Eton. That's kind of hilarious in itself, in that it's not, and Britain is more classist than anyone ever feared. 

3. It's made funnier by the dogs Dalmatians explanation that comes before it which has a kind of Greek philosopher sound to it. It makes it sound like cabinet ministers having been to Eton is some kind of undeniable truth like the animal forms thing. 

[learninghowtobefunny-blog]

Funny 76: Irony

Like most people who were young in the 90s, I am confused about the true meaning of irony due to the Alanis Morisette song Ironic. This Buzzfeed article really helped me out.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-greatest-moments-in-the-history-of-irony

It's a list of photographs depicting ironic happenings. My favourite is photo number 4.

Via imgur.com

(Image description: colour photo of a van outside a house, on a tarmac road, that as caught fire at one end. The truck has a flame decoration on it)

I really don't know why I found this funnier than number 18, the parking enforcement truck that has been clamped, or number 1, the psychic whose booking was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances that he apparently was unable to forsee, but I found it completely hilarious. Possible reasons why:

Irony (possibly, I'm not sure of the correct definition). The truck that was once decorated with symbolic, artistic fire is now covered in actual dangerous fire. Hahahahahahaahahahahaha.

Tradge. There is something very tradge about fire decorations (like, "Look at me I'm so badass I painted my truck with fire,"), and this fire painted truck's unhappy fire ridden ending just adds to the general tradge.

Awful. Obviously fire is dangerous and terrible and this photo is awful. Normally if you saw something awful, it would just be awful, but here there is something funny in the awful, so it's kind of taboo.

Making the figurative literal is always kind of funny. 

[learninghowtobefunny-blog]

Funny 75: Anticlimax

The first guy I dated (the posh one who tried to talk dirty quietly to my hearing impaired little ears) once told me this joke that I thought was pretty funny. It was actually the only funny thing he ever did in my company. Not that I think everyone should be funny or anything. I love serious people. But yeah he was not funny AT ALL apart from this one joke he told me that goes like this.

This guy got into a lift with another guy who had an expensive suit on and was carrying a briefcase. When the expensive looking guy left the lift his watch dropped off his wrist and the other guy picked it up for him. The expensive guy was unbelievably grateful and appreciative and opened his briefcase, which was stacked full of piles of notes, and offered him one of the piles of notes.

The guy was a bit worried about where the money was coming from so he turned the money down.

The expensive guy said, "Well, if you won't let me give you money, let me give you a little life lesson."

The first guy was all like, "Yes, that would be amazing."

"Okay. Do you know that pub The King's Arms?"

"Yeah it's just up the road from me."

"Well, if you ever go there of an evening, don't order the ham and cheese toasty. I did and it was crap."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Reasons I found this so hilarious:

It was honestly the only funny thing he ever said and I spent a lot of time with him so I was probably a little humour hungry and was well disposed to finding anything funny.

The King's Arms was an actual pub round the corner from my then boyfriend so it had this whole relatable element to it.

Anticlimax. I guess it's a paraprosdokian, a kind of specific kind? Basically you're expecting some kind of amazing life lesson or at least some kind of insider trading tip and all you get is a food non recommendation about your local. And it's even not as if the ham and cheese toasty gave him digestive issues or food poisoning, it was just not that great of a toasty. But not all anticlimaxes are hilarious (the first time I had intercourse was not at all hilarious, except for maybe a little in hindsight). I guess to be funny they have to be not sad - in this story, the guy is not particularly invested in there being an amazing life lesson or insider trading tip (whatever those are. I'm really not sure what they are I've just heard about them, possibly on Sex and the City) and nobody gets hurt, so humour is kind of easier on the heart and mind than such incidences of unenjoyable sex, a party that nobody attends, or a wrapped present with nothing in it. 

Here is another one by Mitch Hedberg that is number 271 on this Buzzfeed list of all his jokes, in ranked order:

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/a-complete-ranking-of-almost-every-single-mitch-hedberg-joke

'Acid was my favourite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.'

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Reasons I found this funny:

Although margarine is a totally legitimate choice (I am allergic to milk products so I don't eat butter myself), it has a reputation as a diet food and I am pre disposed to find its takedown funny because it's a kind of vague resistance to diet pressure and fat hatred. 

It's a total anticlimax. When people say they learned things on drugs, they usually learned something about God (existence of, talking to, other), perspective (they realised how small they are in the universe, they realised the things that really matter, they saw life in its entirety and stopped worrying about the smaller things), themselves (the reason they push people away is because they're scared of love, they no longer are attracted to their current sexual partner, they hate their job more than they previously realised), or their environment (fences are a symptom of how capitalism pushes people into nuclear families which removes them from wider support structures and isolates them, manhole covers look like they could mask portals into other universes, in the twilight every shadow looks kind of like a human's shadow). At the very least you want a comment on what non cloud things clouds look like. Observations about the relative merits of butter and margarine were not what anyone was expecting or hoping for and being suddenly bereft of a philosophical insight you didn't even know you wanted is kind of funny. 

What these two have in common other than being anti climactic:

They are both related to crap foods. I think there is maybe something inherently funny about finding food unappealing, although it has to be in a certain context (preparing a 3 course meal for someone who says, 'This tastes like shit,' would not be funny to me. Maybe like, years and years afterwards). 

Mundanity. Of all the foodstuffs, ham and cheese toasties and butter and margarine are pretty mundane. I mean out of all the things you can do with food. Hydrogenated vegetable oil margarine was a kind of amazing invention (although apparently very very bad for people) but when it's just margarine unattached to a process, it's pretty boring. I think this increases the anti climax further, creating a greater contrast between what you expect and hope for and what you get. 

[learninghowtobefunny-blog]

Funny 74: Jokes about Boris Johnson

My friend updated his Facebook status thus: 'Some people may suggest that, on the death of Bob Crow, Boris Johnson couldn't have said or done anything that would have satisfied the left. This is not so. A copy cat heart attack would have been a very fitting tribute.' Hahahahaha. Reasons it's funny:

It's a death wish. I almost always find death wishes funny. Taboo on death, hating someone so much you actually want them dead, etc.

A joke about copycat killing. Copycat killing is something I've only heard about from watching TV crime drama shows like CSI or Silent Witness or Luther where a killer copies the way another killer has killed someone. It's a kind of compliment to the original killer. It's a crime drama cliche. This joke turns the killer copies other killer killing into awful politician having a heart attack to properly honour Bob Crow.

A joke on the idea that you're wrong either way. It's some bullshit that people say all the time, that they've been put in an impossible position (like the time a guy told me that women get offended when you compliment their boobs, but when you don't say anything at all, they get all huffy about it. He said this after he told me that he liked my breasts at about 6am in a 24 hour supermarket). I find it super annoying so I'm always ready to laugh about jokes about it.

Copycat heart attack rhymes.

We all found this very funny although he is modest and says that my joke, following some discussion about whether a heart attack is too good for Boris Johnson, was better. 'It is too good for him. One day someone will make him eat his own bike. That's how he will leave this world.' Reasons it's funny:

It's a death wish.

The idea of Boris Johnson eating his own bike is funny because he makes such a big thing out of riding it, it's kind of a version of getting impaled on your own sword.

The idea of anyone eating a bike is kind of funny because bikes are not food, but also, it's a bike, so it's not pica or poverty food or nutritional deficiency or anything not funny like that. 

Then there is this joke on a TV show called Outnumbered which is very gentle comedy about why middle class people shouldn't reproduce. On this TV show, an exchange student who is living with the family reports liking the satirical comedian Boris Johnson who plays a politician with a bike (he also says Boris Johnson is fat, which I find unnecessary and offensive. More on this later). When told, 'Boris Johnson is the mayor of London,' the exchange student says, 'Yes! He plays the mayor of London!' and he is never made properly to understand that Boris Johnson is a real life politician. Reasons it's funny:

Boris Johnson is so shit that people who don't live in the UK who see him on television immediately assume he's a satirical figure.

Even when the exchange student is told that Boris Johnson is the actual mayor of London, he still sticks with his original assumption because it makes so much sense to him. 

Then there is this. 

a

(Image description: colour line drawing of Boris Johnson by a child. Boris has a bright red/orange face and bright yellow hair. He is facing the viewer. He is sitting with his legs bent outwards and his feet touching pedals at the front of his bike, with the handlebars of his bike in his crotch. He is wearing a red and green spotted cravat, white shirt, grey trousers. His bike has black wheels and a blue body. The background is off white. There is a computer drawn golden frame around the portrait).

  A portrait of Boris Johnson by Nona McIntosh, aged 8. A few months ago, it was revealed that British MPs have spent £250000 since 1995 getting professional portraits done. iChild decided to run a competition where children draw portraits of MPs in order to help the government save money on more expensive portraits done by professional artists. The results were all completely hilarious and amazing. Reasons it's funny:

Boris Johnson's face is bright red, which is just kind of funny. I don't know why though.

Boris Johnson rides his bike by sitting on the handlebars instead of on the seat. I don't know why that's funny but it's hilarious.

Boris Johnson is so posh he wears a cravat for bike riding.

The MP portrait competition itself is a hilarious response to the £250000 of public money spent on selfies.