Bisexual • Bipolar • Bifelicia

and other things I learned about myself in my 30s

[bi2the2nd]

I've been miserable for weeks. I blame myself for my symptoms and not being able to repress them. I miss being happy.

[bi2the2nd]

Omg it's a miracle. I never get this much deep sleep.

[bi2the2nd]

I am bipolar vs. I have bipolar. Just meditating on that. Kinda blew my mind.

[bi2the2nd]

Ugh, depressed again and I hate my stupid boobs.

[bi2the2nd]

I do this because I find that I frequently feel better about myself when I discover that we’re not alone, but that there are, in fact, a number of other people who ail as we do—that there are actually a number of “accomplished” individuals who find it necessary to seek treatment for some otherwise insurmountable inner unpleasantness. I not only feel better about myself because these people are also fucked up (and I guess this gives us a sense of extended community), but I feel better because look how much these fellow fuckups managed to accomplish!

Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher

[bi2the2nd]

Mixed state. This is the worst.

[bi2the2nd]

Apparently there’s a strange place on the bipolar spectrum called a “mixed state,” in which mania and depression meet and collide. In a mixed state, you have all the relentless, agitated drive of mania, but none of the euphoria. Instead, you feel depression’s misery and self-loathing. It’s the most dangerous condition possible, the one in which the most suicides occur. No longer protected by depression’s inertia, you now have the ability to act upon your despair.

Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney

[bi2the2nd]

But manic depression is just too crazy for most people to identify with, or have comforting platitudes for. There’s a certain liberation in being so out there, beyond the norm. The layman rarely argues with you: your conduct speaks for itself. So I am genuinely insane every once in a while, but at least it’s genuine insanity. It occupies a whole different space in the DSM-IV. I’m still ashamed of having a mental illness. Perhaps I’ll always be ashamed. But now it’s mostly of the consequences, not the condition itself. I believe in this diagnosis. It’s as true to me as being a redhead. Despite the constant shifting of the earth beneath my feet, I feel grounded at last.

Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney

[bi2the2nd]

Sometimes I make seemingly small, easy decisions that aren’t a big deal for others.

For me, they’re very important in my struggle to get a handle on this mental illness.

Tonight, it was not having another beer, and turning off the TV. Getting enough sleep so I can function tomorrow.

Sometimes I forget that I actually have to work at it, to fight against it. I let it sweep me up, I think, “Poor me.”

And yeah, it does suck. But it’s also on me to keep trying.

[bi2the2nd]

Yes I'm reblogging myself, because I needed to read this today

[chasingthesewordsacrossthepage]

i’m not okay (i promise) - my chemical romance

[bi2the2nd]

Me, when general anxiety creeps up from nowhere.

[bi2the2nd]

Depressed or lazy? Can't tell yet.

[bi2the2nd]

I've been a nightmare factory lately. Three nights in a row I've dreamed about my husband leaving me. And last night I had the bonus nightmare that I was in a mental institution.

[bi2the2nd]

Pretty sure I have a herniated disc in my lumbar spine. My mom always told me when she hemmed my pants that one leg was longer than the other. The internet says this is hereditary. My grandfather had a lifted shoe as a child. My low back always hurts. Just gonna add this to the list of ailments.

[bi2the2nd]

Moods are up, even if they're still up and down. Anxiety and irritability still an issue, so upping lithium again. 900mg. Oof. Only temporary maybe.

[bi2the2nd]

This hits home today.

[bi2the2nd]

Oh sweet summer child. Five years pass and now I know; it's called depression.