The other day my friend asked, “How are you?” I said, “Okay, how are you?” But she asked in a tone that was more serious, more probing. Not just they way you ask when you first greet someone. I think she was trying to get me to talk. About myself. This is not something I am practiced at. She probed further, “How’s work going?” I said, “Okay, how about you?” Actually, I probably threw an eye roll in there too because work is very frustrating and she’s aware of that. My point is that it’s such an automatic, ingrained response to those kinds of questions to give a short answer and ask them back in kind. When really I should try to be aware, especially in a sit-down conversation with a friend, not just a passing-on-the-street kind of thing, that I can open up, that I can talk about how I feel and what’s going on. And we’ll talk about how she feels and what’s going on with her too. So after my initial response of, “Okay, how are you?” I should have paused and given her a real answer.
Everything is shitty.
Well, no, I mean, nothing is really shitty.
That’s not true. Lots of things are shitty; at this moment, nothing is, like, acutely shitty.
There’s just lots of chronically shitty things.
Nothing is shitty with me, personally, at this moment. I’m here, I’m alive, I can breathe, I have a body that works, I’m not destitute, I have shelter and food and a couple of people in my life, I have a decent amount of free time to do with as I choose and no dependents.
If I start on all the things that are shitty I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
I think part of me likes to be the caretaker, the okay one, so I don't like to show any faults, that there’s anything wrong. But really I’m not doing a good job taking care of anybody because of all the chronically shitty stuff.
