Random life

Random shit: Pictures, Gayness, Spanish, English, My shit. Come join me in a trip through my world of randomness.

[bieverywords]

Fury; red, explosive, bleeding fury.

How can one trust humanity? When humanity constantly betrayes one another with lies, ommission, deceipt, violence and hate.

Lets stay away, lets make haste. Because if you stay you will be eaten. Eaten by words, abuse, and pain.

Face it, your mind says. Do not be weak, and stand up for yourself it say.

But how does one stand up for themself without becoming the culprit? If I scream, I am known by my anger. If I speak up, I am known as defensive. If I hit back, I am known as violent. So how am I heard without screaming? How do I speak up without misinterpretation? How do I hit back without being physical? How am I understood while just being me?

[bieverywords]

Its cold, so much so that I feel like my body is burning with a numbing sensation that I cannot shake. I miss the warmth with a soothing breeze of cherry blossom scent. I miss the rain, dripping down my face, caressing my lips. I miss the abrupt reality of the intense ground trembling. I miss the waves of sound created by the falling tree that hits the ground. Let me swim in your song nightingale, let me swim in your song so sound. Then again, it is winter, and I cannot see you, beautiful bird. I understand that you had to migrate to the warmth of the south, but you left me, wings broken, alone, during the winter snow. All I can do is scream in song hoping for another beautiful bird to sing by my side, to be next to me while my wings get strong again and be able to fly towards an infinate warm summer.

[bieverywords]

It's you and me again bud, no one else but you and me.

I honestly considered breaking my phone for a few, but I know that will not solve anything. I think I am the problem....I truly do....

Fucking this.....AHHHHHHH!!!!

I....

I.......

I........don't know what to do... 😢

[bieverywords]

Who are you? What is this? This feeling you are creating in me...

I have yet to hear your voice to see your moving face and yet here I am sweating, hoping for you, waiting next to my phone for your written word. If you are real, you are the most beautiful person Ive seen in my life.

[bieverywords]

You want to be a present of my past, go ahead, I concede, I will set myself a side and let you, present who has become my past leave my heart and my mind since you value me not and all you want is my past and your present. I can do nothing but retreat, let you both past of pasts be happy or miserable in your own adventure. I wish you both happiness but what was once love has turned into hatred towards both. I am hurt, mad, sad, and disappointed in you and myself. I still cannot believe I let this happen. I let something continue that should have ended time ago. We should have never been, we should have remained friends. I was just a bridge for you to find what you truly wanted. I was not of your true interest. I do not care what you say, this is my belief, you believed you loved me but you never did and I loved the idea of what you could be. This is what is, I will retreat, go into the mist, wind of nothingness and hope I find myself again.

[bieverywords]

Fuck everything and everyone!!!

Fuck it all!

Everyone can fuck off even if no one really hits me up, still fuck off!

I hate my current situation and I'm a mess.

I just need to get my shit together and take my place in life.

I need to value myself more than I do.

I value others more than myself and fuck that, no fucking more of that BS.

I shit on all of you assholes that hurt me.

You can fuck off and know you lost someone who fucking gave a shit but that you didnt give enough fucks to not hurt me.

You know what? Do what you need to do, I will do what I need to.

I am DONE!

DONE FOR FUCKING GOOD!

Fuck this!

[bieverywords]

I honestly do not know why whyyyyy I keep looking at my phone. No one hits me up so its funny in an incredibly sarcastic way and it pisses me off BIG TIME.

[bieverywords]

So it is another chapter of broken. I find myself thinking maybe I am meant to stay alone for the rest of my life. I dont think I can take another heart break. So much time just coming to no forever and it is always my fault or so it seams. And I find myself in the same start, alone with friends and family but no forever love, no true understanding, no true partner in crime. And I dont know if its me just lying to myself over and over again. Just trying to force a forever love a tomorrow never dies love. I hurt so much and when silence comes I truly feel the pain. Nights seem forever, I just want to sleep with no end. I dont want the mornings to come but they do, and I am a zombie trying to survive, to socialize to not feel this pain. They say your car and house reflects how your mind is and right now that could not be more true. My mind's abandoned, messed with thoughts and constant reminders of dirt and pain. I go back constantly analizing what went wrong and it was a lot, you left me in pain and I feel like it was lies even if it was true. You didnt stay and every time its the same everyone leaves one way or another and one is left with memories and pain.

[bieverywords]

It is so difficult to try to take it easy, to slow down my pace, and not make mistakes. So difficult not to look for someone to fill this void of solitude that reigns deep inside my being. I have noticed that I have been hasty in getting to know my partners, and I have not allowed myself to meet and get to know and understand them in person because of it. I have not been firm on my convictions and decisions, and I let the moments slip, even the undesired ones. I have to focus on myself, but myself wants pleasure, company, fun, and a forever person, which with time, my belief in that is dying. What is a forever person, do they exist? Nowadays, there are a lot of people with commitment issues who would rather let something great end because they want something easy. Hell, I used to be that way, and who knows, maybe I still am. I just want to be still, be silent inside and out, and not feel the pit within myself. I desire to feel calm with my entire being.

[bieverywords]

I made a mistake, I know. But I am trying to do everything to let go and not feel the pain from the frozen cold of your words and certain actions. I am reaching towards you, and all I am reaching is a gust of wind, wind that is the past that passed and left only some fallen leaves that were our connection, our love and desire. Winter has come, and I have nothing to protect me from this painful cold and the snow storm that pushes me into the inside of safety where I wish not to be. This is where we have come to be? Just a cold storm in the winter, an unprepared person exposed and another distant. At this point, all I can do is try to find an alternate route to help myself to move on.

[bieverywords]

Well, this is not an easy moment of my life. I previously had a relationship that lasted 7 years, and we broke up, and it really affected me, and now I have a 4 year relationship that is also coming to an end. All I can think is that I am the common factor of these breakups. I am not the most emotionally stable, and I became dependent on my partner, and I feel that was too much for her. I thought this person was my person, but I was a bit delusional on this. At least, that is how it seems so far. We are wondering if we are gonna try again, but to be honest, I think the best thing would be to break up, which hurts and especially cause I was planning to propose and had everything set. Well, now, it is my chance to learn to be truly alone and learn to become fully independent and find love for myself again. We shall see what happens.

[bieverywords]

I really do not know how to talk to people. It sucks because I get in a shit load of trouble because of it. I feel dumb, because not even writing works. One would think, you have all the time of the world and then Boom! Fucked because I am a very impatient person. I should take it easy and chill.

[bieverywords]

Don't you ever get dark thoughts? Are you immune to the evil of the mind that occurs sometimes? Don't you ever feel lonely? Don't you ever feel sad? Don't you ever feel weak? Is it so hard for you to admit that it can happen? Is it so easy for you to ignore or dismiss? I show you my dark, and you judge me, get drained, you do not want to deal with it, and that feels great, just great. I'll just keep it between myself, this space, and whoever asks and cares to listen with kindness...

[bieverywords]

In the past, Europe was in pain under the reign of a tyrant. Before he reigned, he only gave promises and dreams. The people believed those promises and dreams, and therefore, they gave him what he wanted, the command, the power, and they followed him, did terrible things because of false ideas and beliefs. The nightmares and the realization of lies began for those people who did not fit into those ideas and beliefs. Those who did not see his truth suffered and were killed. Those who survived, remember. It was in Europe, so what do we care, right? It didn't happen in the USA. It's not our past. Then again, we have someone in command right now who promised and provided a dream to the people, and within the little time he has been in command, those who have different views and are seen as different to him, are suffering. Yes, people are not dying by his command, at least, not yet, but people are suffering, hate is spreading, and that is how Hitler began, that is how evil plays its cards, slowly and little by little, in a way no one notices, until a tyrant is created. Now, in the USA, we are seeing the same steps, the people who have the same beliefs follow him blindly, and the ones that are different and do not have the same beliefs are suffering and being driven out of the country. Now, now people are seeing how the economy is suffering because of his actions, at least those who want to see. Jobs that people had who were driven away, important jobs, essential jobs, that none of the people that remain want, and the economy suffers. Who knows what is to come in the remaining time? But I fear USA's future, fear for the different, for the dreamers. Maybe the USA needs to experience a tyrant, and maybe that way, the people will remember.

[bieverywords]

Sometimes, words explode from my mouth like a grenade, not thinking that I might offend or hurt someone while I say them. I wish every day that there comes a time in my life when I will learn to shut up and leave my opinions to myself. For now, that is something that my better half is good at, but not me. I hope someday I can learn to shut up.

[bieverywords]

Sometimes I remember who you were, and it saddens me. Today, I have to remember that you are still you. You are still the man who showed me everything. The man who taught me wrong from right and right from wrong. The man from yesterday, even though lost, different, changed is still you. It is a new chapter in life, with a new version of you.

My book of you begins with fear. I feared the man with the belt, the disciplinarian, the man that would punish me for being naughty, stealing from your jar of coins, which you counted every day noticing that money had been slowly leaving your safe spot. I was so scared of you that I got the side of my knee cut open and all I could think of was "my dad is going to kill me if he finds out" while blood dripped down my knee with no end. I feared you so, that when I broke my nose I never told you and never went to a doctor and told you that I had fallen. So scared that when I scrapped my knee while hanging from a running cars bumper I never told you the truth. I learned to lie because of fear.

My second chapter of you is respect. After you showed me your pain of when you punished me, the fact that you were vulnerable around me and talked to me like I was an equal taught me to respect you. I respected you because you would talk the talk and walk the walk. Whatever you asked me to do, you would also do yourself, and that showed me that you were a man of your word, and I respected that. A man that was not afraid to get your hands dirty. A man who would teach me how to play softball, how to defend myself, and how to respect and love myself.

My third chapter of you is embarrassment. I grew and felt embarrassed by your age, I struggled to find myself and separated myself from you. I tried to become independent by lying to myself because I depended on you more than ever.

My fourth chapter, conflict. I was conflicted by my sexuality and I was scared of telling you because you are or were a bit homophobic and I wanted to tell you because I loved you with all my might but I didnt want you to hate me or deny me as a daughter.

My fifth chapter is freedom, love, and unity. I told you and you were quiet, I know you didn't understand but you loved me because you know who I am and you told me you loved me. We became closer than ever. It was me and you against the world. We would hang out almost always. You were my coach, you were my equal and you were also the dad I needed and respected.

Sixth chapter is separation. I moved out finally after being so close, and it was hard to miss you. We barely talked or saw eachother anymore, but when I saw you, it was as if I never left. The hug was infinate and our playfulness was always there.

Seventh chapter is impactful degradation. One day, you were my dad that I could talk to, and the other, you are deaf and barely remember a thing. It has been tough, this time is very difficult. Seeing my strong dad, my fun dad, my attentive sneaky dad, my coach in life and sports, slowly degrade is not easy. I see your eyes, and I know you still see me, and you are still there, but it is difficult to lose a little of you every day. I try to cherish every day and moment with you as if I will not have one tomorrow. Sometimes it hurts, and I think back and miss you even though I still have you.

The last chapter has not arrived yet, and every day I try to be ready for it, and before then, I will enjoy every chapter and book about you. I love you, dad!

[iredreamer]