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porpentine-deactivated20201218

someone told me i should stop giving my care and support to people who didn’t reciprocate it

today a friend i spent a lot of time this year supporting and caring for messaged me after sidelining for me as a friend for like a month and not talking to me at all for two weeks after i reached out to her and told her i was really struggling and needing support

she said she was sorry it had been hard for me to keep tabs on her and i read that as ‘i’m sorry i haven’t been around for you to take care of me’ and was like ok no here is an opportunity for me to be assertive and not let my friends off the hook for just using me when they need me and then dropping me when they feel better

she replied saying i was being unfair, that she was offended and that she was leaving this conversation until i’d cooled off because i was much too emotional

i fired off a sarky retort and she replied saying she was sorry i was this upset and she wanted us to be friends

fast-forward to this evening and i’ve just sent her a 600 word message apologising to her for the unfair, harsh and undeserved way i’d reacted to her, a description of the negative self-talk i got wrapped up in that lead me to doing that and a point by point reasoning of why i should have known better and am now ashamed of how i let that get to me and lead me to lashing out at her.

it’s really hard to make any judgement when you’re this fucking neurotic