My ill Mind

My interests and what's happening in my life

[rt0no]

[bigboy8675309]

So I stopped nicotine and stopped smoking weed and I've even stoped looking a porn because I thought those things were making me sad. Now I'm just bored sober and sad. 10/10 would not recommend. I'd start again but I can't smoke weed and masterbation is boring and I do kinda hate smoking. It's just a false lie that I think will make me feel better but after a cigarette I'm still sad, the only difference is that I stink. Just keep pushing and life will get better. I know it's true but fuck I've been saying that for over 2 years now. People aren't answers. People are only more questions or problems. I used to to believe I rather have little as long as I had friends but then I realized how fake or superficial it all was. I hate things that pretend. Thinks that are close to real but are actually plastic. It's better to be alone than with a vampire. Happiness comes from within. It's true what they say about money not buying happiness but being broke and sad is definitely not as fun as being rich and sad. The problem is that I'm not going to die. I just have to survive in this BS world. My life is like a nightmare and my dreams are even worse nightmares. I want to die but I won't do it and I'm too much of a pussy to even be self disruptive enough to put myself in a position where the universe will kill me. So I'm going to be alive for a long time. I don't have any friends and don't want any. I don't have time to do the hobbies I love because I'm broke. I'm broke tired friendless and I'm alive. I know I can improve at least 2 of those things and that's to make money so I can relax again. I wanna be fucking rich. Oh how the turntables have turned. Even if I want friends I can't have them because I have now time. If you're rich enough you can have all your time. Maybe money doesn't buy happiness but it definitely buys time. Time allows space for life and creativity and that buys happiness. So I guess it's how you send your money and how you then spend your time. Guess I always knew that the happiness was a rich person's problem I just never thought of it this way.

[bigboy8675309]

Im starting to think that leaning on my own understanding is actually the best thing I can do. People have shit opinions. I wish I just lived in a more objective reality

[bigboy8675309]

I dunno why I miss you, you don't even exist. I never thought I'd say this but If I could go back in time though I think I would do it over again. It's definitely not healthy but life was so simple with you and you did make me really happy. I think the only thing I'd change is that I'd break up sooner and not cheat. Actually thinking about it now I'd just break up with you when you first cheated on me. But then again we didn't really see each other before that point. It was pretty early in our relationship and I was out of state mostly. I'd probably just be okay with it knowing it's toxic just so I can lay in your basement with you again. Incense burning, just spooning and watching movies. God how I miss that aesthetic.

[bigboy8675309]

I fucking hate you... I'd say your name but your not really the same person anymore, not after what the drugs did to you. I think I'm just going to start telling people you OD because in a way you did. The George I knew is fucking dead. I thought you were just sick and strung out when I picked you up in cali but you were actually just a dead man walking. Just the the fucking old husk of the man I knew. A fucking possessed corpse of my best friend. You're a fucking disgusting ungreatful leach of a person. I literally did everything I could to help you and you just talk down to me like I let you down, like I was dumb for trying to help you, like I somehow was trying to take advantage of you and that I abandoned you. And then you sum it up with "but it was good, it was a transition a needed" I'm so fucking glad that I was such a convenient stepping stone for you! I gave you my time, love and put myself in fanicalally precarious all for you and this is the way you treat me? You clearly don't give a fuck about me or our friendship. Don't fucking call me brother, don't fucking talk to me, I don't even want you to remember our friendship fondly. You don't fucking deserve it. You're not the same person so you don't deserve those memories. I feel like such an idiot for caring about you. I honestly wish I could tell you all of this but it might just make you relapse and even though I hate you I don't want that for you. You wouldn't even listen anyways you'd just be in denial about it and I'll I would do is poison myself because telling you all of this would just be kicking you while you are down. You're like a fucking dumb shelter dog that I tried to feed and then you but my hand. I feel hurt and I wanna fucking smack the shit outta you but all that would do is re-enstil your mindset of abuse and then I'd just feel bad for smacking a dumb abused dog.

But then again your not a dog and you are responsible for your actions at some point. Problem is your a fucking addict and I'm not so I gotta be the bigger person and baby you. Is that really the end all justification though? I mean I'm a person too and at some point I gotta have some respect for myself. People will never know how you feel unless you tell them. So maybe I should just revise this and take a verbal shit down your throat. I honestly don't fucking know what to do. All I know is my best friend OD on meth and now there is some fucking asshole living inside him making his body walk and talk like some sick fucking puppet. I bet if we looked inside you'd be filled with maggots and leaches on your brain. Fuck you. You're fucking worthless and your life is a fucking joke that isn't even funny. You fucking deserve to be living in a house where your family hates you and tells you awful things. Oh and one last thing, congratulations! Life is a simulation and the illuminati is real! You fucking figured it out! Now what? Are your any richer because of this knowledge? Are you anymore at peace? Are your relationships stringer? Have you been able to get anything more out of life by sacrificing everything just to feel like you know "the world's a simulation"? I'll answer that for you! NO! All you fucking did was ruin your brain, lose friends and loved ones, lose your job, become homeless just so you could go back to bumbfuck ohio where your family treats you like shit. But hey at least the people didn't pull the wool over your eyes and you now know the world is a simulation! Guess that just gives you an excuse to be a selfish fucking cuck to everyone! Actually if it's all a simulation I guess that means your probably not real so I shouldn't feel bad about telling you all of this. Eat a dick and die in a hole you pussy.

P. s. Your grandpa is a pussy for dodging deployment in a time of war. Guess you just come from a whole like of selfish pussies who can't handle reality.

[love]

via weheartit

[love]

by Maru Stahl

[bigboy8675309]

I keep checking all the social media on my phone like I'm going to see something from a friend or I'll find a friend to contact or someone will contact me but then for a short while I realize that there is nobody I'm going to find, nobody is going to contact me and that the people of my social media who used to be my friends are just strangers that compare each other's lives. I realize that I'm completely alone with nobody to talk to. How lame. I feel like I'm on the edge of depression. It's calling to me and while I'm fighting it with everything I got I also just want to give up. Fortunately I learned a lot about my depression this last year and I remember that no matter how sad everything is and how much I want to die, nobody cares and I won't just drop dead. The only way out of depression is picking myself up or suicide.

I hate the idea of suicide, I honestly can't think of anything more wasteful and selfish. It would honestly be less selfish to just pack up and leave the state without telling anyone. Suicide can permanently fuck up the people around you while abandoning everyone and leaving generally just pisses everyone off and they paint you as the villain. Everyone will just hate you but at least they can hope for a shot at redemption and people won't blame themselves as much. And if your ready to die anyways you shouldn't care about what others think. It's basically social suicide. If your depression is mainly based around relationships and social responsibilities this might be the thing to breath new life into you. A fresh start anywhere in the world you can get to. Definitely seems better then going straight into the unknown abyss of death. I mean life might be miserable but an extended vacation abroad still seems cool. There is still so much I want to see in this world.

Unfortunately things aren't that bad yet so I'm going to pussy out of that idea even though I think it's pretty solid (plus covid and the general state of the world makes travel pretty undesirable) . So yeah since suicide is out I know I have to just pick myself up and keep moving forward. Not let myself think about stuff and shove that shit in the box of shit I can't handle (thanks finn). I used to think that I shouldn't bottle and repress things. That I should think about them and talk about it untill I find closure on it. While I still think that would be preferable I've learned that people don't care or want to hear about your shit and somethings you can't find closure on. Sometimes things happen in life that are just unbelievably cruel and fucked up and there is no way to make sense of it. I guess the only answer to those things are forgiveness but that can take a long time to develop and sometimes a bunch of horrible things can happen all at once and you are too busy to deal with multiple emotional things plus school plus work plus fitness plus hygiene plus relationships. What then? Dwelling on things during those times will just get you feeling hopeless and stuck. And while you wallow in self pity and hope for death your problems only get worse and so you get even more stuck. The only way out is to bottle it up and keep working and maybe when life has settled a little then you can focus on forgiveness.

I do have a question though. At what point is forgiveness toxic? Are you really just let people and the world have there way with you and you're just supposed to forgive them? I'm I just supposed to try to become so docile that I'm synonyms to someone getting raped and telling themself "this is okay because I actually like it" At what point is it okay to stop letting things happen and forgiving and instead have self respect and stand up and tell a fucker that they crossed a line and to either fix themselves or get the fuck out? I feel like I've been struggling with this balance my whole life. I feel like when I stand up for myself people tell me I've gone too far and the overall universe responds negativity. I definitely feel like I get bad karma and aside from that I genuinely always feel guilty because I don't want to had more hate into the world. Fighting hate with hate will never work unless one side completely dominates the other and I definitely don't want to force my will onto others. Even taken out of a sexual way thats like mental or spiritual rape and it's appalling. So I try to be very forgiving. I know you can let others know how you feel without being mean or hateful but in my experience everyone takes this kindness, even if it is a stern kindness, as weakness and they just continue to abuse the relationship. I really don't mean to be a victim I'm just confused. Like what do I do? Why isn't my efforts to establish boundaries and spread kindness working? Why am I still getting fucked? I swear I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me I just want to know what the balance is. If I need to just toughen up and be more of an ass I can do that, I just really don't think that will benefit my physical or spiritual life at all. If I knew it would benefit it and that somehow it was ethically the right thing to do I could totally do it. I just wanna know what the world wants from me. Maybe Glaucon was right and being just gives you a miserable life. Maybe we are just animals and justice really is the herd mentality to protect the weak.

One thing is for sure, I never expected to be in this situation,this level of alone that is. I always believed I had the best friends and the best family. In a way I did for a while and I am eternally grateful for that. I just kinda thought that the relationships would stay strong though and I'd grow old with my friends and lead a happy life. Here I am though at 24 completely friendless, broken and questioning my marriage. Life's a trip. I won't let this break me though. To give up would be to let all these negative people win by controlling my actions. I will grind to succeed in my endeavors and then I might just dip to another state or country. I can't change them and I don't want to become like them so I'll just leave. Yes social suicide is what's best. Life my be nothing if it is not shared but life is definitely pain when hanging around the corpses of your old friends and hometown. I'd take nothing over pain at this point.... But knowing me I'll probably get too lonely and fall for the grass is greener on the other side. Again I guess I just can't make up my mind on what's right or not or what should I do. Only thing I can do is bottle it up and keeping moving forward hoping for some sun.

[tachyonbeam]

Source

[bigboy8675309]

Sometimes I forget just how amazing my wife is. Girl saves my life on the regular. I shouldn't be sad when I'm so unbelievably blessed.

[jarjarbieber]

[bigboy8675309]

Listen

[bigboy8675309]

[bigboy8675309]

People say all the time that you can tell them anything yet I haven't actually found one person that's willing to listen. They always end up taking it personally or I guess it's just too sad. On a different but similar note, if I tell you I want a cigarette. You'll try to talk me out of it and I'll just be upset. If I ask you for a cigarette youll be mad and tell me that you don't want to be responsible for enabling me. If I tell you I'm getting a cigarette you'll think I'm either weak or that it's your fault. So I guess I won't talk about it and just get one. But if I do that then you'll be sad or mad that I didn't trust you and that I just got one.

[bigboy8675309]

Life is one sticky trap. I know the road to happiness. I can see it pretty clearly. I try to walk on it and at first it's me that I'm fighting against to stay on it but eventually you get to a point where you have to fight others. Your loved ones. And that is when it gets really hard. I don't think I'll actually be able to achieve it in this life. Maybe after most of my loved ones are dead and if my kids are cool enough I'll be able to be free of my earthly tethers.

[herheadinfilmspodcast]

The Mirror (Andrei Tarkovsky, 1975)

[suicideroses]