I feel like as I’ve gotten bigger the part I struggle with the most mentally (besides my now fat face) is that I look big all the time. It can be a thrill and empowering to feel so large but sometimes I just want to exist without feeling like an enormous spectacle.
Clothes play a big part in that. I’m trying to unlearn the idea that I have to obscure my shape in baggy clothes in order to look good. That to look stylish I have to look small (an increasingly impossible goal)
I’ve always had a minor interest in fashion, in so much that I know what I like: vintage/thrifted clothes, especially flannel, and the kind of vaguely alternative aesthetic that comes with that. I can’t really buy second hand clothes now that I wear plus sizes, most of my options in general are quite limited now. Especially being in the UK, a lot of “big and tall” ranges only go to xxxl. I used to love wearing dickies but they don’t go anywhere near a 50” waist in the uk.
The shirt I’m wearing in the pic is a 5xl (xxxxxl). It fits me. But it makes me look fat… because I’m fat. Really fat. 350+lbs fat. Wearing a 5xl shirt fat. But because my belly strains when I sit down, my brain is telling me it doesn’t fit. But that’s how every shirt fits me. Because I am very fat. I know this and still my initial reaction is that it’s no good, that I can’t wear that. People will see how fat I am.
But they see no matter what. It’s the reality of being this big. The factors for looking good at my size vs a “normal” size are different. I’m learning to embrace that, but when you gain so much weight so quickly (I was 259lbs in early 2023 - two and a half years ago) it takes a while for your brain to catch up. I’m still trying to grapple with the fact that I look fat no matter what. And the best thing to do is to complement my shape, not downplay it.
I know this is a kind of rambling post but I think it’s important that we talk about this stuff in the community. Even the stuff that gets us off can simultaneously be a source of mental strife. Especially in a world that so often looks down upon fat people.
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
areudirty
