Big Love - the Poets Against Humanity version
MOVE OVER SKINNY BOY
We got big love
The only reason you were around was because you fit into the cracks in her life
WE CAME TO BUST THROUGH THEM
Tear them down
Redecorate
MAKE EVERYTHING ANT AND DEC PROPERLY GOING FOR IT
Because when a big guy decides to move it has to be waking up to discover the death of all plants
Because when a big guy decides to move it has to be balls deep in ron weasley
THE WORD BOHEMIAN IS DECEPTIVELY LARGE
We can't just run at some clothes and hope yanking off a plaster from a long term penis wound sticks
WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT GENIAL HERPES
We can't dance like we're a puppet being controlled by a three year old
WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT OUTRAGEOUS FLANGE
Have you ever wondered what it must be like to wear skinny jeans?
No
Me neither
BECAUSE WE THINK ABOUT WHEN THE ONLY LUBRICANT IS ONION JUICE
We've got something better
Something totally unrestricted
IT'S CALLED CIRCULATION
AND ANOTHER THING
A POSTMAN IS SNIFFING YOUR MAIL
Do you know how hard it is to live in this city and maintain drooping forlornly? Â
Accidental exercise is the leading cause of thinness in Edinburgh alone
A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR BALLS FOR EYES
When we say fallen brethren, we mean fallen, because big guys fall
Hard
For almost every girl they see
BECAUSE IF LOVE EQUALS MC SQUARED THEN WE'RE LOVING FLESH HAMMOCKS
Which is ironic
Ladies
SPEAKING OF LADIES
WHY WON'T YOU LOVE US?
We come with silent footage of Auschwitz fading into the Sainsbury's logo
Your beauty products will remain hella engorged
You will never feel guilty about over-eating
We will save you at least 20% on your heating bills
When things get tough, we are physically incapable of wiping it on Bagpuss
You will no longer need to buy pillows
You will always be thanked for sex
You will always
Be thanked
For sex
You will always be Dave Benson Phillips in the couple
We will never cheat on you because frankly it was hard enough getting a baby with Batman's voice
Big guys are always romantic
Out of necessity
We will always make sure that every hug, every kiss and every time you hold our hand, you feel an unending appreciation for your ability to see past the physical and the assurance that it will always be reciprocal
You see the stretch marks came when we tried to hold up all your dreams like atlas, but even when some slipped through our fingertips we were there to be your soft landing
BECAUSE WITH BIG GUYS
COMES ACCIDENTALLY DROPPING SOME NIPPLES INTO A JAR OF MIDGET GEMS
AND WE HOLD NONE OF IT BACK
NOW
SKINNY BOYS
LISTEN UP
When a skinny boy becomes a big man, Smegma and Smegpa distorts around him
Ever heard of a little thing called the bitter disappointment of listening to John Cleese, now?
The universe wants to hug us
Hard
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SKINNY TEDDY BEAR
NO
And if big guys ain't your thing, that's foaming where foaming is bad, I can lose weight
CAN HE GAIN KINKY CEDRIC?
You can take your George Clooneys
Ryan Goslings
Your Pitts
Your Depps
Your Benedict Cumberbatches
Because not one of them
Not one of them
Can give you this
I've been really tryin', baby Tryin' to hold back these feeling for so long And if you feel, like I feel baby Then come on, oh come on
So ladies
If you're looking for true romance
Maybe try middle class white men being victimised
AND GIVE BIG LOVE A TRY
