Just An Awkward Lady

Save the world if you can, help someone if you cant. And in the meantime smile. Instagram @mackhaff

[bigmacklittle]

Love stories that twist and turn like stripped screws in warped boards

[bigmacklittle]

I can’t love you from afar anymore.

Blue light reflections of you no longer mirror my glassy eyes.

You are just a daydream once a month on my i5 commute.

[bigmacklittle]

I hear static. Sometimes ringing in my ears. My skin stretches and snaps back as my body grows and shrinks. I crave to numb my mind. To sink down into a pool of warmth. Fear looks different than it used too.

[bigmacklittle]

It has been some time since I have truly looked inward. I have found it much easier these days to just go with what feels like will create the least amount of friction. I am doing my best to play the part of someone that fits in better. I am at a constant battle with my superiors but we can’t win them all.

[bigmacklittle]

I was engulfed in memories. A breeze left notes of fragrance lingering under my nose but only for a moment. Like I had inhaled it and it was now mine. Transported back to memories I didn’t know existed. Brushing of hands and the air thick with nerves. Hide and seek down dark alleys and wreckless driving through unknown neighborhoods. We are all so much older now.

[bigmacklittle]

I met you in a dream again. Only this one was different. While each time it feels like a warm hug but this time felt cold. You felt unfamiliar. There was a girl there, she had my eyes and my hair only she shined like dew on daisies in may. I had a sense that you loved her. You asked me why I was calling and I pretended that I didn’t hear you and then hung up. When I woke up I felt guilty, I don’t know why. I haven’t seen you in years.

[bigmacklittle]

Every drink poured met my lips. The dark days were to see the light the bright days were to keep things moving. As my health deteriorates I am met with a calmness and moments of utter regret. Regret is not a feeling a am accustomed to but as the years pass and I slip more and more into a person I don’t recognize I can’t help but mourn. I mourn my loss, I mourn my pain, but mostly I mourn my hope. I said last week that this world feels cold like I don’t fit. I stand by that but know I’m trying.

[bigmacklittle]

Each time that I blink I see your eyes

[bigmacklittle]

As I hung my clothes out to dry I remember how you left me I fold my warm dress and press in the sunshine Remember that dark pub filled with smoke? Or did the water wash away your memories? I hope you learned to fold the sunshine into someone else

[bigmacklittle]

I get to know my self each day that I wake up. Recently I heard a young girl refer to people in there late twenties and early thirties as tired old losers. I can tell you I have never felt younger and more ready to listen and learn from myself and others.

[bigmacklittle]

And I will sew it all up thread by thread. Piece by piece. Those little bits that scattered the earth. Each piece that was taken. They are mine again.

[bigmacklittle]

Life worth living

[bigmacklittle]

Never look back

[bigmacklittle]

Guilty for how I used to let people treat me. Stomach flips with regret.

[bigmacklittle]

Maybe that box holds a little less than it used to. Those eyes are busy dancing from one thing to the next.

[bigmacklittle]

My skin prickled like the start of rainfall. My heart sank when I left that oasis. My chest bloomed in the desert heat. My eyes glaze when I think too much.

[bigmacklittle]

What went came around and it was only the beginning, the end never stays around too long.