Writer

i love you. dont you fucking care?

[bigzombieharmony]

Sometimes when every memory of you is flooded with bitter sweet melancholy I feel like the only remedy for my aching heart besides chemically fabricated numbness is you. You telling me that you love me one last time But deep down i would be scared that if these syllables dripped from you lips like teardrops in the ocean they would become less significant or even worse irrelevant because they are not true anymore And my longed for remedy would evaporate in the desert that I used to call my heart That’s why I stick to my effectively poisonous chemicals Before you left I had turned every word I knew in to bricks trying to build a road through the void between us But you kept throwing those same bricks through every window of our house and insisted that the shattering glass sounded like a lullaby. “Hush baby hush I’m not going anywhere” you whispered as you walked out the door and I had no choice but to wordlessly believe you. those broken promises left bullet wounds on my skin and you fixed them up with a playful smile. As if you liked how much i needed you As if you enjoyed my helplessness And when I was desperately looking for a hand to hold, relapse found me lured me down that same old rabbit hole. And whenever I had fought my way back to the edge you pushed me further down. eventually I was stuck in an endless cycle where recovery and relapse kind of were the same And now I am here I am at 04:00 AM painting a picture of you in the darkest colours I can imagine still my heart my eyes and my smile can’t help but to light up at the thought of you. Becase in all honesty I know you never were evil I just was and still am desperately trying to stop loving you But I gues I am failing miserably

nice try

[bigzombieharmony]

I remeber the exact moment I knew I was falling for him. It was late at night, he smiled and i realized that i was holding my breath ever since the last time our eyes met. When he kissed me again I was sure that he had noticed. he knew how I felt and I knew that i was completely and utterly fucked It was way too easy to fall in love with that boy. That boy who made me feel like he could show me the world Hopelessly, I keep wishing upon airplanes on the cloudless sky That he would fall a too But I knew him and I were just make believe and I was just a shelter for his homeless mind In return he offered red eyes, white lines, wisperd secrets and sweet lies when all I wanted was his hands on my skin and all he wantet was something that helped him forget the hurt he caused It’s kinda ironic isn’t it? That his inability to love is what got me doomed in the first place. I tried fighting it, but how was is supposed to stop when I was in free fall already? It was way too easy to fall for that boy when all we had were red eyes after with lines It was way too easy to fall for that boy when he whispered secrets in to my skin and I gladly believed his sweet lies

Way Too Easy

[bigzombieharmony]

Today i realized that missing you isn't a sign to try again it's a sing that what we had was good very good a once in a Lifetime kind of love But i promise you this in the next life i will find you again and i will love you like i always have and always will

day 330

[aliceslittlesister]

cocaine & cuddling

[bigzombieharmony]

I need you to tell me that you used to care.

620

[bigzombieharmony]

Sometimes i wish you‘d send me a sign, a song, a text. Just something so I’d know you care. But then i remember that you dropped me when things got hard and you never actually cared.

620

[bigzombieharmony]

Your love has become a part of me and i don’t know who i am without it.

I hope you care enough to read this

[bigzombieharmony]

They say home is where your heart is but you took both when you left me to drown in this Summer rain. Even though It was oddly satisfying to watch the closest thing i had to a home, colapse with in it self. Brick by brick by brick by brick. After the last one turned into dust i started wandering around, looking for shelter. at least for one night. But in the apocalyptic chaos of what used to be the foundation of my identity, the only way i feel like I i’m in control, is when I’m willingly loosing it. Because when i‘m in free fall is the only time my mind is at ease. Because when i see the city light i forget my emotional homelessness. But still. I keep wondering how far i can fall before i can’t get up again. Sometimes i even feel like i have to look up to see rock bottom. And sometimes when the pressure on my chest leaves me tongue tied i forget how to spell home. As if there’s no word like this in my language. And to be honest, learning a new language would be so much easier, if the people around me would speak it as well. But it seams like i’m a foreigner here. But i can’t leave because i have no origin and no place to go to.

620

[bigzombieharmony]

I‘m ashamed of the imaginary traces he left on my body. your touch is so pure everything else seams contaminated with guilt. So when you kiss those parts of my body he used to kiss, I feel the memory of his lips burn bright on my skin, until it’ll eventually fade. As if it was sinful of me to think i loved him when i had never felt your love before. Because when I feel your fingertips admiring me, i imagine you’d hold my whole heart. And i hear yours dance to the same melody. But still, i fear that we are just two lonely souls looking for redemption in each other’s arms. You see, I keep wishing i would’ve been a little less heavy hearted when i met you. Because falling for you feels more like flying, but i still have to fight the chains that tie me to my past. That’s why on some days it’s really hard to spread my wings. But some how i keep finding the strength to jump. Because i am certain that’ll land in the save haven we create.

[bigzombieharmony]

It takes approximately 5 years to recover from a trauma At least that’s what my therapist told me Well shit it’s been 6 years and i’m still healing It took years for me to be able to talk about what happened that night years till the flowers i planted on my own grave could bloom Because i wouldn’t admit that the teenage girl with trust in her eyes and stars in her heart was dead i tried to erase every trace of her While i was crying in the shower Trying to wash him of her body I burned her jeans and panties Because i didn’t want my mother to see the blood Threw away her shirt and shoes Deleted all the pictures I didn’t want to be reminded of her But i also didn’t want her to be dead I don’t want to miss her either But sometimes i still do I never reported Cause there’s no murder without a body right ? And believe me I’m sorry for all the girls who followed after me I’m sorry If my silence hurt you I know it can be an act of violence too But I hope you were stronger than i am Somedays I’m still more victim than survivor Sometimes i still have to remind myself that the man who trembles between my legs isn’t him That this time no will count for an answer So seriously fuck what my therapist said I’ll take all the time i need Till there are more survivor than victim days Till i will be able to say no without flinching first Till i can water those flowers next to my grave Till i had enough time to grive for my teenage self And until i can truly accept the woman He forced me to become And i’m still learning to love It’s true He took her from me But he never was and never will be a part of me

[bigzombieharmony]

I’ve been dancing with the devil for a while now. And even though people tell me there’s no good in evil I saw the way he looked at me as we were dancing under the stars And yes he hurt me but i grow stronger when he holds my hand while i grieve When he nourishes my garden while i weep So therefore I believe there is good in evil because i saw it in his eyes I will keep believing his lies Because i just can’t let him go

i wish i could

[bigzombieharmony]

one day we will meet again and you'll pretend you don't know me and i'll pretend that i don't miss you

620

[sparkling-space-queen]

I wanna be mad at you but i am just really really sad. I wish i wouldn’t miss you

620

[sparkling-space-queen]

The worst part is knowing that you chose to be loved by someone who will always try to hide oarts of you, when i was here loving you fully all along.

I used to be your forever remember? 620

[bigzombieharmony]

i used to think you took me for granted. Now i know you just never really cared

i still hope you would tho - 620

[bigzombieharmony]

I never thought not saying what i feel would be that hard Trying to convince myself that those three little words are poisonous Trying to tell myself that there is no antidote So i bite my tongue But there’s no harm in turning my tears in to poetry It’s the only way i can feel partly free I love you I love Love Love You

[bigzombieharmony]

We‘re just friends But some how your hand finds mine a bit too often And my skin craves your touch My lips wondering how it would feel if they meet yours But we’re just friends, right?