Billy McClain

Name's Billy McClain. I'm 25 years old, and I'm originally from Arkoma, Oklahoma. But right now, I'm workin' as a doorman in New York City. And for about six years, I've been livin' with HIV.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

Yeah he sounds like a good guy.

[He smiles.]

And I am really glad for you.

[Oliver heaves a sigh and lifts his shoulders. He knows he’s been a downer so much lately but he feels like he can’t help it.]

I don’t much feel up to a party, Billy.

[billy-mcclain]

He is. I just...worry. That, I dunno. He'll get tired of me. [Billy smiles bashfully, putting a hand on his friend's shoulders.] Well, it don't gotta be a party. We can eat and watch TV. Maybe even drink. It's better feelin' bad with friends than feelin' bad alone.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

Oh.

[Oliver frowns and claps him on the shoulder gently.]

I’m sorry Billy, I am sure it’s nothing, people get busy, like gets in the way of the important things sometimes but I am sure it will correct itself.

And it’s not the same but if you’re ever lonely my couch is always open, you know that.

[billy-mcclain]

Yeah...I know. I'm sure it ain't nothing either. We had a real good New Years, and we really care about each other. And he's not afraid of me bein' sick. I've been doin' so much better since we got together. 

We should have our own Valentines' Day party. 

[jamison-oliver-blog]

You’re right, glass half-full, right?!

[He smiles.]

You always cheer me up, man. You aren’t going out with your big man friend?

[billy-mcclain]

Right! [Billy grins from ear to ear, but his expression softens a bit.] I dunno. We haven't seen too much of each other lately. I've been livin' at my apartment instead of his and stuff. 

[jamison-oliver-blog]

Today is cruel.

[billy-mcclain]

But tomorrow promises cheap chocolate!

[billy-mcclain]

I can't wait until all the chocolate is cheap tomorrow.

[kimberlyxsparksxrp-deactivated2]

I’ve never been in love, but I imagine it would taste sweet and melty just like chocolate. Am I right?

[billy-mcclain]

Sort of! We're not really in love yet. Well...that's not true. I'm very, very fond of them. But we haven't properly said it yet. But I am someone's beloved, so I hear. So that's sorta like it.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

Thanks Billy.

[He nods.]

I just think I’m better off alone for awhile at least.

[billy-mcclain]

I think you just need to spend some time with your friends. Includin' me! We can do fun things. 

[kimberlyxsparksxrp-deactivated2]

I often wish chocolate was a human being, and I could marry them. What a happy marriage it would be. But I guess a girl can only dream. 

[billy-mcclain]

Same. But I already have someone, so maybe if they were made of chocolate. But that might get weird and sticky.

[kimberlyxsparksxrp-deactivated2]

I mean really, who can say no to chocolate? Am I right?

[billy-mcclain]

Exactly. Chocolate's the best thing they ever invented. 

[jamison-oliver-blog]

[Oliver sighs, rubbing his face.]

I just feel really pathetic, you know? I just think back to when we were together and we were so happy and I… put my life on pause when he left and I just thought he’d come back and explain everything and we’d unpause but…

I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?

[billy-mcclain]

Ya ain't pathetic. I promise. And somewhere out there is someone lookin' for a guy just like you. I know it. You're gonna find each other and live happy ever after. Honest to God.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

[Oliver wraps his arms around Billy and shakes his head a little.]

Why can’t I just be over it? I want to be over it but I just… can’t. I feel like… like I know I’d literally go running back if he asked and how fucked up is that?

[billy-mcclain]

You will be. It's just gonna take ya some time. Maybe this was the first step. It ain't worth pinin' over someone like that. I did the same thing. S'how I got here. And ya...ya get better. And ya get over it. I promise. 

[jamison-oliver-blog]

I was over at Jackson’s and things got out of hand and he pretty much told me that we were just together for all of five minutes and to get over it and made it seem like it meant nothing, like I meant nothing and it hurt and I yelled and I just — want things to go back to normal.

I was so stupid.

[billy-mcclain]

Oh, Oliver....You don't mean nothing, you hear me? You mean a whole lot to a whole lotta people, includin' me. Forget him. He doesn't deserve you. No one gets to tell you how to feel, and you don't got nothin' to be sorry about. I hope you let 'em have it. 

[jamison-oliver-blog]

You can’t tell me what to do.

[He nods defiantly.]

I am a grown ass man. A grown ass man who is so stupid and yells and people and Billy, I am so dumb.

[he shakes his head a little.]

So just, let me be dumb.

[billy-mcclain]

Yes, I can. I'm your friend, and I'm doing what's good for ya. So there. [His face sobers a bit, brow knitting in concern.] What happened? You ain't dumb.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

So whaaaat?

[billy-mcclain]

No more drinks for you, okay? 

[kimberlyxsparksxrp-deactivated2]

I made chocolate whipped cream cake. Not to brag, but it is spectacular. Want some?

[billy-mcclain]

I never say no to chocolate.

[jamison-oliver-blog]

I’m not drunk, you’re fucking drunk.

[billy-mcclain]

I think you're a lil' bit drunk, Oliver

[jamison-oliver-blog]

Thanks.

[Oliver chuckles and hugs him tight back.]

I know that, man. I was single for a long time I just — I loved him you know? Maybe I am making it more than it was, who knows.

[billy-mcclain]

Well, no one can tell you how to feel about a person. And I'm sure it was real. But...love's dangerous. Makes us do silly things.