[the view from in here] @bionicbubbleboy - Tumblr Blog

I take great care of myself by carefully shutting myself away.

Vincent van Gogh, Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (via thequotejournals)

synesth-spirals

yesterday my little sister asked if I was doing okay I was so taken aback that I dropped my phone and just laughed like haha I save nihilist memes on my phone and then crack up over them while my therapist looks vaguely concerned but just sorta nods because we both know there's nowhere to go but in circles, until something bigger changes. no, not really doing okay. but I am thankful because a month ago I had half of the energy/mobility that I do now, because a few months ago I had psych-ward pajamas and terrifying nurses, because before that I was being secondhand drugged 24/7 by the shit my nextdoor neighbour was making&smoking. I am thankful because now I am able to take my dead-end thoughts outside with me and wander until my legs stop working, and then wander home, where I sleep off another set of hours so I can do it again the next day, instead of being stuck in one place without such distraction. I am thankful because most of me still believes that the next med change might help turn things back around. I am thankful because there are people who remind me that there's an "okay" to aim for, and who actually give a shit whether or not I try. I am thankful because even if mutism keeps my voice in selective little cages just out of my reach, I can still feel at home in some playlists or drumsticks.

med adjustment phases suck. like waiting for your brain to recognize itself just so you can handle tasks with more than 2 basic steps. all of the energy with no direction, or all of the ideas with no focus. or all of the motivation and none of the energy, or catatonic focus on ?????. fruatrated doesn't even fucking approach it. defensive pessimism is often viewed as "self fulfilling negativity" while a show of optimism is brushed off as unrealistic; all attitudes, from the outside, = laziness. like if they dont feel that struggle and goddamn taste your sweat then you haven't earned the right to be upset about your life? JUST TRY HARDER I'M SURE THAT'LL FIX EVERYTHING

nihilsuggestion

The fact that nothing truly matters is a very freeing thought. I cannot fail, I cannot disappoint, every moment of my existence is just that, existing. My happiness is not bound to ideals or stressing expectations, I could save the world or lay in my bed all day, there’s nothing wrong with me, all actions lead to the same fate, I am truly, purely free.

a-dance-with-the-absurd

A step lower and strangeness creeps in: perceiving that the world is “dense”, sensing to what a degree a stone is foreign and irreducible to us, with what intensity nature or a landscape can negate us. At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman, and these hills, the softness of the sky, the outline of these trees at this very minute lose the illusory meaning with which we had clothed them, henceforth more remote than a lost paradise. The primitive hostility of the world rises up to face us across millenia.

Albert Camus (source)

new meds keep me pretty sedated. there is no more dope dealing going on next door but someone is still periodically leaning against my door/running away from it, and I can't help feeling suspicious that the lockpicking was a multi-person thing-- this isn't a new idea but I am too burned out to think any harder on it so I stopped caring and stuck to what I was really sure of, ie. next door secondhand etc.-- I keep thinking of the weird things my other neighbours have said to me, and have this echo of someone in the hall stuck in my head, asking "is he an idiot?" in a context that pretty clearly referred to me. maybe maybe. sometimes, anyway. I dont like my meds, I feel tired and useless and blagh. got my focus on that "JUST DO ONE THING. JUST ONE THING. JUT DO ONE LITTLE THING, AND GO FROM THERE." mode. then I crawl back up to the filth pile I used yo call my bed, and lie there until the restlessness is killing me more than the exhaustion is, and I get up, and I move. just run the basics. whatever you can do. etc. eat something but not any/everything. did I mention that new meds come with weight gain? and poor impulse control. I guess I just have to work harder on that for a while.

clintscoffeepot

“Depression turns you into a series of nouns, without the adjectives and without the verbs. You don’t remember where you misplaced your descriptions, your actions … You become: bed, shower, socks, coffee, keys, obligations.”— A Series of Nouns

5oil

hashtagloveloses

what kind of banksy ass shit is this

pdlcomics

Kitty-Man

dinosaurianss

Girls are nice Boys are too But I’m asexual So I’m not getting with you

explodingdog

the uncomfortable song.

alexanderintransit

#everypoemIeverpreformed

realsocialskills

Stimming is not just a coping mechanism

I see this defense of stimming a lot:

It’s wrong to train autistic people not to stim

They use it to compensate for overload

Or to focus

Or to compensate for other problems

Or to express distress

All of this is true. But it also misses the point. Stimming isn’t just a coping mechanism. It’s much more than that. Stimming is a positive part of autistic experience, not an unfortunate-but-functionally-important thing we have to do.

Imagine if facial expressions and tones of voice were considered wrong, and someone defended them this way:

It is wrong to teach children to adopt a flat affect

Children need to be able to frown

Children need to be able to indicate through the tone of their voice that something is wrong

Children need to be able to cry. That’s a way of coping with pain and overload

All of those things are true. But if that’s all defenders of tone and facial expression said, it would be horribly misleading. Body language and tones are more than that, and they are good.

Stimming is like that too.

Stimming is not just necessary. It is also natural, and good

Flapping in response to a nice texture is not fundamentally different from smiling in response to the smell of a flower

Rocking in response to someone saying something offensive is not fundamentally different from frowning in response to a slur

It is ok for autistic people to have autistic body language