hayden and I had a good relationship for the first probably 7-8 months (the numbers are fuzzy for me after so long) of our relationship. When we moved in together in May of 2011 (I moved to Oklahoma where he lived) we were okay and stressed about me finding a job. In June of 2011 he accused me of "cheating on him" by skyping my friend/ex who was in the military overseas who told me he watched his friends die and was scared for his life. That's when his abuse started. Basically we would get into probably job or money related arguments or him being jealous of me texting my friends from AZ where I came from. He would sit on me when I wanted to exit a room out of anger, not wanting to be near him. we shared a room and I need a lot of personal space. He would sit on me and hold me down, he wouldn't let me go on walks, I would literally beg him to let me leave the room or get away from him and he'd hold me and sing to me when I didn't want anything to do with him. He asked me to leave Oklahoma. I left and went to AZ. we were seperated for a bit and then got back together in november/december of 2011. I bought a ticket to oklahoma to help him move to AZ this time. we drove to AZ. he continued the jealousy, I barely saw my friends and he was convinced I wanted to fuck or was going to fuck my friends, he convinced me to stop being friends with and delete people's numbers. One time we got into an argument in public, he had a car, I didn't, we were arguing in a parking lot and it was close to home so I told him I'd walk home. He refused to let me leave the car, he ripped my tights grabbing onto them trying to pull me back into his car. He left arizona. We kept going on and off online again, one specific time near february he told me he loved me and we had "skype sex" or whatever and I thought we were together again, only to find out days later he had been talking to another person he met up with and also was showing abusive signs to from what they told me. I won't explain what happened to them because that's their story, not mine. Hayden has gaslit me this entire time. He constantly told me something didn't go a way I remembered it because he didn't remember it at all. When he does something wrong, he says he doesn't remember. I know he has dealt with abuse from his parents in the past and needs help, but he uses this to excuse a lot of abusive things he did to me, by saying he doesn't remember it or it didn't happen. He wrote a song about wishing a girl got raped on her first date around one of the times we broke up, then claimed it wasn't about me, and it wasn't about rape. the video is deleted, but it used to be on tumblr. When we first met we used to argue about social justice issues a lot, but now he can talk the talk and credited me for "teaching him" even though he put me through a lot of hell trying to come to terms with my political beliefs. we used to have skype sex a lot, and most of the times it started off with me saying no, can we just hang out without doing this, and he'd end up coercing me to do things on cam with him or just straight up start jerking off in the middle of me talking. He used to tell me when we were seperated as a way of expressing he "missed me" he'd found porn of girls who looked like me and he'd jerk off to that, or he'd tell me my pictures turned him on, all of this unsolicited. I am not labeling him a rapist, he has never raped me, but this coersive behavior online is still a very serious thing to do to a person. He calls me abusive to this day because when he would hold me down or trap me in a room I would fight back trying to get him off me/away from me, because I would scream back at him hurtful things, but I was not abusive. I was protecting myself from him. He would also frequently lurk my blog and go through dozens of pages of photos of me, after I told him not to literally at least a dozen times. This easily went on for about 1-3 years regularly, and the constant gaslighting, coersive tactics he used has ruined my life. I'm forever a different person from who I was before I met him.
