I had this dream that my body pre-transition still existed. It still had half a brain, as if part of me had been left behind, and I wasn't sure if what I had in my head was a full brain grown from a half, or a half brain grown from something that had been discarded.
I had this dream that my body pre-transition still exists. She was stored in a freezer-refridgerator hybrid, stuffed behind the uneven wall at the back behind the food. Its head was jammed into a space between the fridge and the freezer, and the belly button was visible for some reason through a hole in the back between some frozen chicken breast, a cork shoved inside to keep anything from spilling out.
I had this dream that my body pre-transition existed separate from my body now, large breasts intact but bloated from some stage of decomposition and frozen like that. Tubes with some purpose of preservation looped through the main part of the bottom refridgerator shelf; they looked like the CPAP tube I breathe through at night. I saw thin blood begin to flow down into this part of the tubing as I stood there with the door open.
I had this dream where I asked my mom if she still had my pre-transition body in the refridgerator-freezer, and she said yes, of course. It was mine. She wouldn't do anything with it unless I asked her to. I wondered if it was still preserved in there, and I wondered if it was still me in there, and I wondered if I was a continuation or a replacement, and I wondered if anything was left in there.
I had this dream where I realized how poorly my pre-transition self had been preserved, and I saw blood leaking through a tube that wasn't supposed to contain blood.
I had this dream where I pulled frozen food items from the freezer, trying to make room to find how to open the back of the refridgerator and get to what was inside. I moved aside two rolls of bread and wasn't sure if they had been attached to me once.
I had this dream where I wanted to look myself in the eye, but I wasn't sure if there would be anything there, or what it would mean for me if there was. What if her face had begun to rot? What if the eyes were blank? What if they weren't? What if I saw bone?
I had this dream where I looked my own corpse in the eyes, standing in the refridgerator door surrounded by discarded food and crying because the eyes were dull but the head turned to face me.
I had this dream that my body pre-transition still existed. For some reason, I had left her suspended in the back of a refridgerator. I had this idea that she had half a brain in her head, and the other half had contained my true self; that half was in my head, even though I did have a full brain. I wasn't sure if it had been placed there and grown a new other half, or if it had been discarded and cloned to create me.
I had this dream that makes me wonder if I've left some part of me in a state of poor preservation — when I should be living and nurturing everyone that I am.
