Atari's main quest

hmm I wonder what's over here...

[birth-of-atari]

Just a journal entry for myself, no tags.

My psychiatrist cancelled all future appointments with me.

My new physio cancelled our first session and informed me they're booked for the foreseeable future.

I have 4 people I consider to be friends:

1 responds to my messages and engages in some surface conversation mostly when initiated by me. They have someone in their life that takes up a lot of their attention but also they have a lot of time for other friends in their life. It just feels like I offer no real value to them anymore. I try to engage and take an interest in their life but their reciprocity seems dependent on their own situation. I can't help but feel inconsequential to them anymore and it hurts so much

The 2nd checks in on me from time to time and actively organises catch-ups sometimes. I really appreciate them, they've been there for me for nearly 15 years now and they really are one of those rare friends that always manages to make time for me despite having a busy life of their own. The longer I survive the more I appreciate how rare people like them are

The next really hurts too. They rarely respond to my messages nowdays. Honestly it makes me really very sad because we had such a close friendship happening. They have someone in their life now who's going through some heavy shit so I certainly understand, but understanding doesn't damp the pain

The last checks in on me from time to time and I'm really super grateful for the effort they put in, even if it's just to let me know I matter. Their life is filled with people and business and looking out for others and they still take the time to think of me and send a message to make sure I'm ok. I'm not ok; really really very much not ok but they do take the time and that helps me be ok with not being not ok a little longer

I feel like I've lost 75% of my support network. I'm just sinking now and I'm all out of energy

[birth-of-atari]

201 journalists killed in Gz. That's 14.3 / month, 3.3 / week or 1 every 2.1 days. So basically a journalist is murdered every 2nd day over there. I'm not sure how to even process that.

[birth-of-atari]

You know what I find funny (and also kind of sad) is that the institutionalisation of fear as a core property of the 'American way' is ultimately self defeating. It encourages self preservation at the expense of the collective. This leaves two potential routes for exploitation.

Can you guess what they are?

[birth-of-atari]

This isn't about books and every human should watch this. The last few minutes of what she has to say is so powerful but doubly so if you watch the entire video.

[birth-of-atari]

Since when did a knife attack on a specific individual become "terrorism" or whatever the hell "violent extremism" is? A stabbing is not terrorism. Bombings, mass shootings, gas attacks, bioweapon attacks on large groups of people are terrorist attacks.

Our governments can't just redefine terms at whim and expect people to just accept it. Frankly we should all be terrified that they're not even hiding their propaganda anymore, rather openly twisting reality just to serve specific agendas. In this case it's to paint the Arabic speaking world as a direct national threat in a feeble effort to generate public fear and validate the atrocities happening in g4z4.

We need to build a better government.

[birth-of-atari]

When one is given a second chance one must embrace it. It's not common to resolve differences but it's possible.

[birth-of-atari]

2nd puberty be like:

https://youtu.be/HsDiJZfyU1g?si=Sy86QYBJVjSoUox1

[birth-of-atari]

25/03/2024

Well it's nearly 5 months on estradiol! Here's a little list of changes I've noticed:

- boobs are growing for real

- boobs are always sore but I actually don't mind it at all

- skin is smoother

- my fat is different, not just redistributing but it's much squishier!

- I sweat a lot less

- I smell different, greatly so in some areas 🤔

- I perceive things differently; In particular my idea of physical beauty has greatly broadened

- I'm less inclined towards a dominant role and, conceptually at least, a submissive role holds some appeal

- my emotional state isn't like how a friend described (random tearful episodes) - it's more like normality punctuated by short, violently depressive episodes fading to a low glow of gender euphoria

- not as much body hair growth retardation that I was hoping for. Oh, and because I bleach the fuck out of my hair every 6 weeks it keeps snapping so it's not quite grown as much as I would have liked over the last year.

[birth-of-atari]

29/11/23,: 4 weeks, 1 day on estradiol. The mobile coffee lady called me pretty today! I told her my name and she used it then hugged me and told me how pretty I look ☺️ It's truly amazing how much happier I am these days.

Also one of my ex's said "can I take a moment to mention how great your skin looks". So many little affirming things! Why TF did I wait so long?

[birth-of-atari]

01/11/2023 = the day I started estradiol! Finally it begins ☺️

[devilcat3d]

plz guys im begging i need my tits to be bigger 🥺

[switch-and-twitch-deactivated20]

My tits are already pretty big, but I need to help out my fellow transfems! o7

[nightishere02]

Just want a bigger ass, passing on my tits to someone else.

[doggirlrosie]

Can j have the tits you're passing on?

[birth-of-atari]

So yeah it seems Tumblr doesn't give af about politics no matter how egregious the topic at hand. He we are, balls deep in some kind of preapocalyptic hellscape wherein the ultra-wealthy literally wax lyrical about forcing economic pain on the workers and we hear nothing but crickets from those who should be shouting! We should be ashamed absolutely ASHAMED of ourselves to ignore such brazen class warfare.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. And fuck the inactive apathetic, spineless individuals who sit there, fingers inr ears, pretending that it'll all pass/ resume/return to normal when in reality it will escalate and culminate in actual fascism. Wake 👏 the 👏 fuck 👏 up! If you are queer your lives will be upended. Your rights will be dismantled. You will not find a safe space to flee to. You will become nothing but a second class citizen once again, hiding in the shadows, for to reveal your true self will be tantamount to suicide.

The fucking end

[birth-of-atari]

A stark reminder that the ultra-wealthy are not on our side.

[birth-of-atari]

Credit: therealthemmefatale

This. This shit is necessary to fight these fascists!

[birth-of-atari]

Changeline - VIOLENT.ANGER

[birth-of-atari]

Credit: @cloudcloutclaud on tiktok

[birth-of-atari]

Today's side quest is self dehumanisation.

So I'm just a dysfunctional protein. Nothing special, nothing abnormal. Dysfunctional proteins can be cancerous but they can also be benign. And herein lies my conundrum. Am I the benign or aggressive type? If aggressive I spread my maladaptation to all in range of said maladaptation. But if benign I have zero impact.

But what if I'm so fucking broken that I push maladaptation in spite of all contrary effort? Where's the ethical line? Do I adopt modern ethics and recognise my disruptive nature or do I ignore the modern interpretation and rely on my own internal ethical paradigm?

Rhetorical perhaps. But I still don't have the answer.