voice inside my head, Outloud

[bitchfacelove]

It is not my job, nor my responsibility for your happiness. I’m here managing my own. I’m sorry you feel this way. But it’s time to grow up buttercup.

[bitchfacelove]

My heart breaks for my girls that are still waiting or have lost and I keep them in my heart praying they get what I got. I am and will be forever grateful for this ♥️

[bitchfacelove]

8.11.21. Finally.

♥️

[bitchfacelove]

Groundhog Day.

Disappointment doesn’t get easier to deal with. The mental pain doesn’t get easier although after 14 months you would think I’d be used to this.

I’m not.

I want to hide away, I don’t want to be cheered up or even spoken too. Please just stop and let me be in this moment. In this sadness. In this pit of self pity and despair, it’s pathetic but it’s what I want.

[bitchfacelove]

Please don’t.

Don’t visit.

Don’t be bad news.

Don’t make me cry again.

Don’t break my soul again.

Don’t hurt me

Don’t make me feel it

Don’t not this month.

Please don’t.

[bitchfacelove]

Late or missed? Regardless it’s a no.

I believe after 3 days of heartbreak and crying, I have finally accepted it is what it is, and it is not what I wanted or thought it would be. The emotional pain and disappointment was something that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. Sadly I feel like it will be something I feel again, I don’t want it to be. But it’s okay, it’s good to feel things. Let it hurt, then let it go. I will be okay, we will be okay. In fact we will be great.

I wanted to give up, but that’s not an option.

[bitchfacelove]

Time.

Time really is the greatest healer I guess, as life goes on you just become okay. Things that once broke your heart simply don’t bother you anymore. You can really say well I wish them well, and mean it? Fake it til you make it kinda thing I guess.

It really is true that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

[bitchfacelove]

Man vs Woman

In a mans world it’s easy to feel your place is in the kitchen, and men would love to believe that’s exactly where our place is. Problem is the world is changing women are still oppressed, but we are standing up and growing and believing more and more that we are not equal to men, but bigger and better than them. They’re terrified of us knowing this. So they put us down into what was the place they made for us. So we felt weak and hopeless. They should be scared. They should be feeling threatening of the new generations finding their voice and the power of the vagina.

Men will be men, women will be better.

[bitchfacelove]

Idle hands do the devils work.

[bitchfacelove]

To everyone who never wished me a happy birthday, I won’t forget that.

[bitchfacelove]

Lunacy.

Trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Literally the story of my life. I don’t understand if I am unhappy, unable to understand happiness or just an arsehole. But I’m always looking for trouble. Why, why can’t I just get through my life without drama or issues? Why do I have to try and ruin my own and drag other people down with me? The moon is full. I don’t see any maddness? Except my own behaviours, which to be quite honest I’m getting sick of, just be happy, support yourself and care more about everyone and their situations. Stop punishing people and yourself for the mistakes and issues of the past. People are mostly bullshit, but it’s not personal. People don’t owe me shit, but I feel like I owe people some trust and loyalty, May as well try that on for size. I don’t wanna be this loser anymore. I wanna grow into who I am supposed to be. Because I just know she is wonderful.

[bitchfacelove]

And another one.

Another month, another few announcements, and other period.

It doesn’t get easier and I would love to say it doesn’t get harder but it does, you start comparing to the statistics and think I’ve waited long enough? I’ve done everything right? Why isn’t it happening for me? LOA would say that I’m sending out a “lacking” vibe which is negative but I’ve been as positive as can be. Feeling useless and like a constant failure, as they say the universe is on time it’s you that’s in a hurry. Which sorry still doesn’t help cope with the disappointment. I can’t tell anyone how I feel, how stressed out it makes me or how upset because, the people that know don’t understand, or just give ridiculous unhelpful comments! Or say things like “why hasn’t it happened yet” if I knew that I would of solved that problem so please just fuck off. I feel like I’ve already been written off like a lost cause. There is pressure from everywhere but mostly from myself. When you decide you want something it become impossible not to get it. I always get what I want and work my arse off for it, but this is something I cannot control and it is fucking killing me. But I plaster a smile on my face and pretend I’m fine. Because what would anyone else expect from me.

[bitchfacelove]

New people are only new for so long.

There becomes a time when you have to realise that everyone is an asshole that your never gonna like everyone you meet. But the problem is you have too when you work with them? I’m just bored of it now, I’m bored of not being able to get along with people and not able to actually just put up with bullshit! I’m about ready to go off sick. We’re here again however it took less time to get here this time? I need to seriously re-evaluate my life. I don’t understand why I’m back in this stupid fucking cycle. Why can’t I just stop my greeting and deal with it? Why can’t I deal with it all? Why do I constantly think, what about other people? And what are they thinking? Why the fuck do I even care? It is said you can’t runaway forever, I always try, but I’m starting believe it may be true.

[bitchfacelove]

Strange how much your mind changes within months, days, even hours.

Talking to people who know the issues can actually help, but the beat thing to do is to put them to the back of your mind... repress that shit even? Bury it deep down with your childhood trauma and come back to it on judgement day.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

[bitchfacelove]

Another announcement. When will I get my turn, I can’t not cry, I’m happy for them I don’t know their story but I know mine and I am struggling.

[bitchfacelove]

Another month, another disappointing result.

[bitchfacelove]

I don’t wanna live in a mans world anymore.

Karma can take its time, but I guess it’s all about timing, people don’t owe you shit, and people don’t do nice things. That’s fine and that’s life.

But fuck me does it hurt. Being tossed aside and bullied, and made to feel like your nothing, you true thoughts of unworthy of love and true friendship being validated. We all suffer in the end. Lies are just empty words, but they’re sweet to your ear. What happens when people find out that you’ve been doing wrong or been done wrong? They take sides I’m normally on the loosing side. But maybe not this time. The world can be a cruel mistress. But hey we all gotta learn to live in it. Shed those tears, let it hurt, then let it go.