My Memories Etched In Snow

Independent Natsuo Todoroki from BNHA/MHA.

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And then going to College got really awkward

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Dysfunctional Family Roles - It’s not easy to determine who has been assigned what role in a dysfunctional family, if only as roles do change if only by necessity of someone leaving their assigned role by external factors, forcing a reallocation of the roles. Furthermore, there may not be ‘enough’ individuals to assign a single role to, and thus multiple roles are bestowed on the individual. Never at the same moment though. Each role has to be fulfilled ‘one-dimensionally’, resulting in personal internal stress as it’s often far from clear which role the other family members demand at any given time.

-The Todorokis- Narcissistic families often operate in an atmosphere of enmeshment and secrecy, where there is a lack of healthy boundaries and open dialogue. Communication will be unclear, perhaps tangential. Those who ask for what they want will soon learn that this is not welcome. Emotions will not be verbalized, but will be acted out (or “behaved”) sometimes with violence or verbal abuse. At times, addictive behaviors will be used to mask the pain of underlying feelings, making the parent even less available to their children. 

Keep reading

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Pokemon Violet: do you want to give a nickname to Ceruledge? Me: *reaching for the ‘d’ button*

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“Because Touya’s dead! Touya was weak! He burnt to ashes and Dabi had risen from the flames!” He had tried so hard to dissociate himself from his past life.

@bluecremation

Natsuo had managed to find the criminal 'Dabi' and still barely believed it himself. Could this man truly be Touya?

"If you are who you claim, then tell me why- Why didn't you let me know you were still alive? We had a funeral for you and I refused to believe you were dead, I thought maybe you just ran away... But when they found it, I knew that he must have had something to do with it," he admitted, referring to what had been left of his sibling's jaw bone. The only evidence that Touya Todoroki had, indeed, existed before he was proclaimed deceased.

The look in the other man's eyes makes him flinch, like he's being skewered by twin needles filled with venomous bile. Feeling the heat roiling from the flames gathered within palms that were little more than scar tissue, surgical staples, and pieces of grafted skin.

So much rage. So much pain.

"You've never been weak. You're the strongest person I know, Touya. You shouldered so much and I didn't listen. None of us paid enough attention to how badly you were hurting and I just... I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I know I don't deserve it, I don't-" he trails off, roughly scrubbing at his eyes with the heel of his right hand.

"- but, right now, I just want my brother back."

heres a joke: my father

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“ i’m not a slave to a world that doesn’t give a shit.”

@iwillburnitalldown

"I give a shit, you idiot. What do you think life's been like for me this whole time, what bullshit fantasy world do you even live in?"

He tries to calm himself, hands trembling as crystalline frost begins to form in the surrounding air.

"I'm not saying things have been easy for you either, but at least you're free. You aren't stuck under his thumb anymore, forced to play nice for Fuyumi's sake at the house all the freaking time. And I thought you've been dead ever since Sekoto Peak burned up, but I NEVER let him forget what he did to you. I've been defending your ghost ever since!"

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bluerage​:

🌌 ⸺ ;  With his emotions at a 𝑯𝑰𝑮𝑯 and added confusion because he doesn’t understand his feelings. Most of the time Dabi feels 𝑵𝑶𝑻𝑯𝑰𝑵𝑮 and holds little regard for himself. Fuck, he goes out of his way to just fucking feel something. Dabi’s 𝑺𝑯𝑶𝑪𝑲𝑬𝑫 about the blooms of emotions Natsuo is yanking from him.

Something deep within Dabi snaps when he’s watching Natsuo collapsing before him. It’s a sense of 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑻𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑺 that Dabi hasn’t felt since his childhood. Now he doesn’t know where to put his rage.

Why does Natsuo have to be the one to 𝑨𝑩𝑺𝑶𝑹𝑩 Dabi’s rage 𝑨𝑳𝑶𝑵𝑬? Dabi’s anger surrenders to Natsuo’s greif. 

“I’d never hurt you Natsuo.” Dabi 𝑻𝑯𝑰𝑵𝑲𝑺 he means that…. Regardless he reassures his brother, but not fully understanding how family dynamics work. Dabi knows how to make friends and keep them at a distance, but he’s not able to do that with Natsuo. Not with someone so important to him. 

Dabi uses the back of his hand to wipe his own face from the tears. 

“Do you mean it?” Cautiously Dabi steps forward to his brother. Dabi watched Natsuo’s quirk flicker with the need for built up energies. “Anything I asked?” Dabi is terrified… He hasn’t been this 𝑽𝑼𝑳𝑵𝑬𝑹𝑨𝑩𝑳𝑬 in years. 

“Don’t cry Natsuo. I’ll look after you for the meantime. Everything will be over soon and there will be a calm.”

Natsuo’s eyes are puffy and reddened from his crying, guilt and shame making him lower his gaze to stare uselessly at the pavement. 

“Even if you did, we both know that I’d deserve it...” he admits, sniffing loudly and using the sleeve of his jacket to daub at the streaks of tears and frost clinging to his face. 

When Dabi exhibits trepidation, he stares back into those familiar blue eyes and nods firmly.

“Yeah- Yeah, of course I would! This whole time I never really believed that you were gone. I mean, we had the funeral and everything, but I couldn’t bring myself to...” he trails off, looking almost fearful that if he uttered the words aloud, then Touya might disappear again or crumble into ashes for real.

“Fuyumi, she- She tried to get us all to play at being a happy family together, not that I blame her for just wanting us to not be so fucked up, but... I couldn’t stand there and act like you didn’t have a say in things, too. Everyone wanted to pretend like the forest at the peak didn’t burn down, or that you didn’t exist. Shouto was just too young to really remember you at all, but I’ve been waiting- This whole time, I knew that you had to be alive somewhere.”

It felt so strange, yet natural to fall back into their sibling roles- Touya always managing to get a confident handle on the situation while Natsuo floundered and struggled. Not that his elder brother hadn’t fallen victim to his emotions before, but he tended to try and hold himself together too strongly- Until everything just reached a deafening high note and went off the rails. He’d always managed to just keep pushing his own limitations.

The snowy haze surrounding Natsuo’s body slowly dissipates, a few stray snowflakes fluttering to the asphalt before melting in the early summer humidity. He takes an almost uneasy step forward, an arm held out in a vague gesture like he was reaching for Dabi, but also didn’t want to make any sudden movements. 

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Good night. Good night. Good night. Welcome home…

Get reckless, and it’s goodbye- Go quicker and further away than anyone else! There’s no going back from here- After all, there’s no consequences!

Becoming sarcastic is the right move Cross through the night, more than anyone else! There’s no going back from here Because either way, I won’t have anything!

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Lyric Starter Call, multimuses you know what to do.

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I'm so alone- Nothing feels like home I'm so alone- Trying to find my way back home to you

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Lyric Starter Call, multimuses you know what to do.

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[Continued from HERE.]

@bluerage​:

🌌 ⸺ ;  Dabi keeps a distance between them, but he can hear Natsuo’s words. It’s like a gentle hand just touched him and 𝑻𝒐𝒖𝒚𝒂 wakes. It feels like 𝑩𝑬𝑻𝑹𝑨𝒀𝑨𝑳 to have feelings wake up and bubble up to the surface. Had Touya really belonged and not a failure to his namesake... Maybe he shouldn’t have been so focused on Enji...

In another world where Touya is saved, would Dabi even exist? A sudden panic comes crashing over him. Dabi can’t lose his identity. He won’t go back to being a child begging for attention from anyone.

𝑯𝑬❜𝑺 𝑳𝒀𝑰𝑵𝑮!! 𝑫𝑶𝑵❜𝑻 𝑻𝑹𝑼𝑺𝑻 𝑯𝑰𝑴!! He doesn’t realize the blood is flowing down his face. Dabi’s too focused on glaring at Natsuo with rage.

𝙃𝙊𝙒 𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙉𝘼𝙏𝙎𝙐𝙊 𝙂𝙄𝙑𝙀 𝙃𝙄𝙈 𝙁𝘼𝙇𝙎𝙀 𝙃𝙊𝙋𝙀.

“I love you very much, Natsuo... but you’re getting on my last fucking nerve.”

𝑰❜𝑴 𝑻𝑶𝑶 𝑭𝑨𝑹 𝑫𝑬𝑬𝑷. 𝑰❜𝑴 𝑻𝑶𝑶 𝑭𝑨𝑹 𝑮𝑶𝑵𝑬.

If Dabi no longer has his hate, then what does he have? It’s been 𝒀𝑬𝑨𝑹𝑺 alone and only looking out for himself. He barely understands what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

“What if I 𝑪𝑨𝑵❜𝑻 give you Touya, huh?”

He can feel the warmth of unshed tears as his vision blurs, but tries to hold them back. Natsuo’s lower lip is trembling, so he presses his lips together tightly, front teeth digging into the flesh hard enough to bleed. 

It’s not enough. 

He watches the red, red streaks and rivulets of blood drip down his brother’s face and can’t help but see Touya- Kneeling there in the dark of their shared room, eyes so wide and filled with confusion and pain it was like a cold knife sinking through his chest.

“Why won’t he let me try, I can handle it- This is nothing! It doesn’t even hurt! I read about it, see... If you train your mind a certain way, you can block it out and it’s TRUE! Not just for pain, neither. It’s EASY, once you get the hang of it-”

For Gods sake, they were just kids... And yet Natsuo still carried the weight of his guilt around like a trawl ship dragging it’s anchor. He should have done something, tried to tell someone- But he’d been afraid, so afraid. And he let his own fear take precedence over the well-being of someone he cared about, had been practically attached at the hip with before... 

“What if I 𝑪𝑨𝑵❜𝑻 give you Touya, huh?”

The question cuts through the chaotic jumble of his thoughts and memories, like a spear thrown straight into his heart. What had he hoped to achieve, saying all this? Again, he was only thinking of himself- His own benefit, what HE wanted. 

“Then...”

His fingers dig hard into his cargo pants, blunt nails scraping against his upper thighs even through the fabric. His face is damp (when did he finally allow himself to cry?), frost crystallizing on the surface of his skin. The air around them becomes heavier, tiny flakes of snow fluttering to the ground in an aura around him. He’d never been good at controlling his Quirk when he got this upset.

“Then what can I do...? If there’s anything- Anything at all, I just... I want to be able to help you.”

If I contributed to Touya’s death, then...

“What does Dabi feel my penance should be?”

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Dabi walks in the room with a pack of beers and an ouija board. Dabi huffs in annoyance, but in truth he’s happy. “I love you. Let’s talk to dead bitches.” He sits on the floors and sets the beer on the side of him and starts setting up the ouija board. “Hurry up and sit across of me. Don’t forget to grab a beer.”

“Don’t bring that in here! Are you TRYING to get us cursed?” Natsuo backs away from the Ouija board, visibly uncomfortable. 

He still remembered the night when he and Touya played ‘Hide and Seek Alone’ and his brother seemed to get temporarily possessed when it was his turn to hide from the doll. At least one of them had been able to burn it, while Natsuo emptied all the salt they had in various areas of the house once the ‘game’ was over.

Sometimes he even had nightmares about waking up with a doll standing at the foot of his futon.

Despite being scared, he pouts a little and sits down cross-legged.

“Yeah, I’m gonna NEED to be drunk to go along with this... Who do you wanna talk to, anyway? What if we make it someone cool, like Sid Vicious- You loved listening to the Sex Pistols.”

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That night seemed somewhat hollow Even innocent respect and affection, as simple as pouring water Started seeming so absurd Let’s crawl on the earth in hatred I, inferior as a human, am a corpse

If you want to search for the culprit, Why not look in the mirror, brother?

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In light of the recent chapters, I don’t think this will fundamentally change much of my meta or canon for this blog. If anything, the way the Todoroki Family was collectively at a loss in regards to Touya sorta strengthens my personal feelings that Natsuo later took it upon himself to defend and be the ‘voice’ for a member of their family who frequently felt frustrated and ignored. 

Natsuo carries his guilt around like a cross on his back, even though there was only so much he could do for Touya as a kid- Even though they were CLOSE, their relationship became strained by the increasingly obsessive circular logic Touya started to display and Natsuo’s limited capacity to understand what he was going through.

He does still hold Enji accountable for Touya’s death (of sorts), but he also is ashamed of himself for not being a better emotional rock for his brother. He had no gifts nor special skills that made him ‘important’ or ‘noticeable’ enough to get much attention from anyone, so the one thing he felt he could do RIGHT was be there for Touya and share part of his pain.

Natsuo is convinced he has the strongest chance of appealing to Touya and would probably try to seek him out first.

[ikaekik]

I forgot to post the fixed version 😬

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Mostly stuff for school, ADHD meds, tea, phone, etc.